If I were Sir Paul, I’d make sure the family bunny rabbit stays securely locked up.

Heather Mills has brought her special brand of crazazy to town again…yes, and this time she is setting her sights on Sir Paul’s new woman:

Barmy Heather Mills has vowed revenge on Sir Paul McCartney - by wrecking his new romance.

Heather fears he may start a new family with Nancy Shevell,47, and snub daughter Bea, four.

The bitter ex-model, 40, even plans to phone her to warn her off-yet outrageously claims she will be doing it for Nancy’s good. A pal revealed: “Heather’s threatening to call and explain the dangers of dating a Beatle.

“She had hell with the public hating her and reckons Nancy could too. Heather genuinely thinks she’s doing Nancy a good turn.”

Bitter, party of one!

Heather is reportedly incensed because Sir Paul told her that he and Nancy were just friends, but they were spotted on a romantic getaway to Antigua swimming, boating, and rubbing sunscreen on each other:

Heather’s lawyer Gloria Allred has claimed she wishes her ex-husband “all the best in his new relationship”.

But her friend told how the pleasantries hid a seething fury - and Heather felt “deceived and betrayed” because Macca told her he and Nancy were just pals. The source added: “She went ballistic when she found out. She’s also terrified they’re planning a baby - even though Nancy’s not far off 50 - and thinks another child will detract from Beatrice.”

Um, no, Heather…I think you’ve already covered the “Marry And Be Impregnated By A Former Beatle So You Can Get Even More Money” angle.  Besides, the woman is almost fifty years old…yes, she could possibly get pregnant, but why would she want to?

With every move Heather makes, she comes across as more and more crazy.  There’s just no other way to put it.  Seriously…calling up your ex-husband’s girlfriend to “warn” her of the dangers of dating him?  Maybe if the ex-husband were Charles Manson, but Sir Paul McCartney?  I think the only real danger for Nancy is confusing some of his primo weed with the parsley.  I can see Sir Paul wanting Heather to know about his new woman for Beatrice’s sake (common with divorced parents), but other than that he has no obligation whatsoever to keep Heather updated on anything in his life.  That’s why they’re called EXES, Heather…you’re an EX-wife.

And what is this worrying that a new, hypothetical baby from a possibly menopausal woman would take attention away from Beatrice?  Does she forget that he has other children as well?  Have they taken away any attention from Beatrice?  Besides, there is no child yet, and the chances of their being one is probably slim to none…yet Heather has chosen to get all het up about a baby that hasn’t even been concieved nor is likely to!

I wonder how long it will take before Sir Paul decides to seek full custody of Bea?  (my answer…not soon enough)

Nancy, we’ve traced the call…it’s coming from…HEATHER!!!  <dramatic music>

Oh, the hits just keep coming from our favorite peg-legged British hoooooah.  (Anyone who saw her rant on British morning television will get that last one.)  Turns out that while she lambasted Sir Paul for not giving their daughter Beatrice enough money to fly “A” class (I assume that is first class), it is actually Heather who is relegating her to the back of the plane:

Mucca slammed ex Sir Paul McCartney on Monday for forcing the four-year-old to travel “B Class” after their bitter divorce — while he flew “A Class”.

She haughtily vowed to pay for Beatrice’s first-class travel herself.

But details obtained by The Sun show the one-legged gold-digger has ALREADY failed to live up to her pledge.

Heather, dubbed Pornocchio after her divorce judge branded her a scheming liar, jets to New York this weekend to rest after her court war with ex-Beatle Paul, 65.

But she is sending Bea home early with a minder and nanny in the £409 seats [about $820 USD] at the back of a Virgin jet.

Mucca, 40, will fly to LA the same day for a further three weeks before jetting home alone — in a £3,348 [$6,700 USD] Virgin Upper Class berth. […]

Both are booked in swish Upper Class on an outbound flight from Heathrow as their minder goes economy.

They will be joined days later by a nanny who is booked to jet home with Bea and the minder on another Virgin flight.

Bea’s seat is reserved in the economy section with her companions.

Upper Class and the flight’s Premium Economy cabin showed “wide open” availability yesterday.

Mucca is booked in business class on her Continental Airlines flight from New York to LA.

She is then scheduled to return home on Virgin, again flying Upper Class.

Six. Thousand. Dollars.  For a first class seat for Mucca and her peg leg (no, I’m not picking on the physically handicapped, just Heather), while her daughter, whom she professes to do everything for, flies coach.  According to the divorce papers, Beatrice gets £35,000 [over $70,000 USD] every year to travel and be with her father.  In this case, little Bea and her minder will be flying from New York back to merry olde England while her mother stays here in the States, presumably doing business with her lawyer/bulldog Gloria Allred.  What, poor Heather can’t rest in one of her homes?

So let’s do the math.  At $6000 a seat for first class, and two tickets (one for Bea, one for the nanny), that’s about six trips across the pond per year.  But Bea won’t usually be making transatlantic flights…she’ll be going from one end of the UK to another.  The fee for jetting around the UK is probably at least half that.  And little Bea probably won’t be flying all the time…I’ll bet there will be times when daddy will be near enough that he will send a car for her.  Basically, Bea can fly first class…as long as she’s going with her mother, to where her mother wants to go.  However, when it comes time to go see dad, it’s coach.

Have you ever heard of Munchhausen’s Syndrome By Proxy?  Basically (and this is a quick synopsis, not a detailed definition) it’s when parents make up an illness or injury to their child to get attention for themselves, so people will then look at the parent and feel sorry for them and be in awe at how well the parent handles everything under such pressure.  Parents will go so far as to poison or injure their own children in order to keep up the charade so as to get attention for themselves.

I think this is similar to what is going on with Bea (and to so many children of divorced parents), although not with illness or injury but with lifestyle and money.  Heather can now step back and say, “Look at poor little Bea, she has to travel B class to go see her father, the miserable miser,” when the reality is that there is more than enough money there for Bea and her nanny to travel any way they like.  Even if Heather eventually has to make up a little out of her own pocket, she received millions of pounds in the settlement, more than enough to do so…the woman is not headed to the workhouse any time soon, no matter her protestations to the contrary.  And I’ll bet Sir Paul (as many divorced fathers are wont to do) will kick in a little more under the table for his daughter to fly or travel to see him.

But in Heather’s mind, she’s coming out looking like the poor, put-upon, long-suffering ex-wife who must put up with such things in order to let her daughter see her father.  And I’ll bet my cup of hot tea she’s telling her daughter that it’s daddy’s fault that she’s flying in the back of the plane.

Fantasist, indeed.

Total court pwnage.

The judgement in the Paul McCartney/Heather Mills court case has been released to the public, and it’s a doozy.  Along with laying out the extent of Macca’s wealth, it shows just how Heather attempted to milk Sir Paul for all he’s worth.  But the court had one word for her:  FAIL.

You can read the entire 58-page judgement here, but I’ll give you some of the highlights:

But wait, there’s more…

New reports from the UK say that Heather Mills, ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney, displayed some very unprofessional behavior in court yesterday:

Having thrown a jug of water over Mrs Shackleton at the High Court yesterday, Miss Mills is now threatening to report her to the Law Society for professional misconduct over allegations that she called her names.

Miss Mills threw water over her former husband’s lawyer and then laughingly announced that she had been “baptised in court.” […]

Miss Mills’ water-throwing tantrum was followed by an astonishing 12-minute rant on the court steps.

She accused Mrs Shackleton, nicknamed the “Steel Magnolia”, of “calling me many, many names before even meeting me when I was in a wheelchair”.

According to sources, Miss Mills is planning to report Mrs Shackleton to the Law Society, the body that regulates solicitors, over alleged comments made during negotiations leading up to yesterday’s settlement.

A source said: “Mills believes that Shackleton accused her of trying it on by appearing at one legal meeting in a wheelchair to gain sympathy.

“More than anyone else, Mills felt this woman had a personal grudge against her. She felt personally attacked by Fiona Shackleton.”

Can’t someone do something with this woman?  I mean, seriously…she threw water at a lawyer?  Even if the two weren’t in court at the time, I’d think that would be grounds for some sort of legal action.  And quite frankly, had Heather’s previous lawyer done what Paul’s lawyer did, Heather would be praising them to the skies.  Oh wait.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…having a physical handicap does not automatically make you a wonderful person.  There are able-bodied jerks, and there are jerks in wheelchairs.  Quite frankly, Heather has cried wolf so many times nobody knows when to believe her.  I wouldn’t put it past Heather to try and play up the sympathy factor by using her wheelchair…I’m surprised she didn’t turn up at court yesterday in a full body cast and an IV drip.

It seems Heather had a bit of a temper tantrum:

Miss Mills’ outburst came after she was awarded only a fifth of the £125million she had been seeking.

The £25million settlement amounts to more than £700 for every hour that she was married to Sir Paul.

But she was furious at the judge’s decision to grant his request that the full judgment in the case be made public, and today lost her appeal against the move.

Miss Mills is understood to have hurled a glass of water at Sir Paul’s lawyer after accusing her of “letting down womankind” by representing men in the divorce courts.

Did she throw her strained peas and carrots at the judge, and take off her wet nappy and hurl it at Sir Paul?  And does anyone know what sort of plant is in that baggie he is carrying?

If anyone is in need of psychiatric help, it is Heather Mills.  The woman is her own special brand of crazazy….only now, she’s a rich crazazy.  I say, let her sue the lawyer!  She’ll burn through her divorce settlement in no time racking up legal fees.  That is, what’s left of it after she donates the bulk to charity, as she said she would do.

I’ll also be writing later about the judgement, released today…let’s just say it’s no wonder she fought tooth and nail to keep it out of the public eye.

You’ve heard of people who aren’t happy unless they are unhappy?  I seriously think Heather Mills is one of those people.  Despite getting almost $50M in her divorce settlement from Sir Paul McCartney, Mucca is still ranting away, because that’s what she does best.

Here’s Heather on Sir Paul’s lawyer:

She said: “Fiona Shackleton has very sadly handled this case in the worst manner you could ever imagine. She has called me many, many names before meeting me when I was in a wheelchair.”

On Sir Paul’s financial dealings concerning their daughter, Beatrice:

“Beatrice gets £35,000 [$70,000] a year. She is meant to travel B-class when her father travels A-class.

“Paul has always wanted Beatrice to go to a state school. He insisted that he wanted us to move to that area [East Sussex] - £35,000 includes. £17,000 for school fees.”

“He tried to get our daughter with joint residency, even though we had gone 50-50. In that way he has got everything he wanted, but that’s what powerful people get.”

On the judge in the case:

[T]he former model will appeal against Mr Justice Bennett’s plans to release [the settlement details] in full at a further hearing tomorrow. […]

“He also said that Paul is only worth £400 million. Everyone knows that he has been worth £800 million for the last 15 years.

“Paul has always wanted it public because he wants to look like generous Sir Paul.”

On how she and her daughter have been treated:

“I was locked out of every home. I really hope now that me and my daughter can have a life and not be followed every day. Apart from one television thing I have stayed quiet for 21 months. If the judgment had been kept private I would not be out here speaking.”

And on Macca himself:

Asked if she thought Sir Paul had been “cruel”, she said: “I can’t say that for the sake of my daughter but my sister does.”

Where to start?  First of all, Heather certainly has not been quiet for 21 months.  I don’t think she’s ever been quiet.  If I were Sir Paul, I would have given her more money, all right…I’d have taken a wad of pound notes and shoved them in her mouth just to shut her up for a few minutes.  No wonder he divorced her…if you listened to her “media tour” a few months ago, where she went on TV talk shows all across the UK and US, you heard her annoying bleating about how maligned she is and how she knows secrets that she’s willing to spill.

Personally, I don’t think little Beatrice is going to be traveling coach any time soon.  If my childhood experience with divorce is anything (and my parents were certainly not rich), in my opinion Paul will certainly be shelling out of his own pocket for his daughter, above and beyond the divorce decree.  I personally believe he wants to make sure that his daughter gets the money, and it is put to use for her needs, not her mother’s.

Her passive-aggressive answer to whether she thinks Sir Paul was cruel was telling, as she wanted it to be.  “Oh, I can’t answer that, because I love and respect my daughter too much.  But my sister believes he was, and since I love and respect my sister, you can figure it out for yourselves.”  Poor Beatrice.  To grow up with such a mother.

And spare me the comments about how cruel his lawyer was to her before meeting Heather in a wheelchair.  Gag gag gag…always pulling out the poor “I’m handicapped” schtick.  I got news for you, Mucca…first, she’s a lawyer, and lawyers aren’t generally the warm, fuzzy type.  It’s their job.  And second, even people in wheelchairs can be jerks.  Not everybody with a physical handicap is a wonderful human being, and you are a perfect illustration of that.

I certainly hope Macca has learned a lesson from all this.  She came along at a time when he was grieving for his first wife, sad and lonely and depressed, and she offered him a way up out of the black hole he’d created for himself…minus that annoying baggage known as a prenup, however.  Along the way, however, the dream turned into a nightmare, and he does have to shoulder some of the responsibility.  He made a lot of mistakes.  I’m not saying he’s an angel, and nobody truly knows another person until you’ve spent intimate, quality time with them.  But it does appear that Mucca took advantage of him, not the other way around.

Plus, Sir Paul has maintained a dignified silence throughout this whole matter.  His words yesterday upon leaving court?

Sir Paul left the court quickly, saying simply “thank-you” as he waved to the cameras.

So here’s my question:  Wonder how much of her court winnings she will give to charity, as she promised she would do:

A representative for Mills said to ContactMusic: “Most of the money Heather has ever received goes towards supporting her various charities, the main being Adopt-A-Minefield.

“I cannot comment on what the settlement might be, except that I am certain she wants the vast majority of it to be spent on clearing landmines.

“The way she sees it is that there is no point the money sitting in a bank account gathering dust, the money has to be working.

“The more acres of minefield she can clear, the happier she will be.”

Wonder if she’s happy yet?

Though soon-to-be ex Heather Mills is doing her best to make his life miserable by going on an endless barrage of interviews, Sir Paul McCartney is not letting that get in the way of his having a good time.  A few days ago, he was photographed kissing Nancy Shevell goodbye after a weekend visit:

Sir Paul, 65, and Ms Shevell had dinner last Friday at an East Hampton sushi restaurant, where they stayed until 3am.

He visited her at home before stopping off at a lingerie store, Top Drawer, to buy gifts. They were seen outside a cinema before dinner.

The next day they were seen again, having breakfast at a café and strolling along the beach near Sir Paul’s home.

According to a source close to Ms Shevell and her husband, she and Sir Paul have known each other for more than 10 years and she was a friend of his first wife, Linda, who died of breast cancer in 1998.

Ms Shevell was diagnosed with breast cancer the year after Linda and the two women fought the disease together.

There is one small hitch, however…Nancy is still hitched.  Yes, she is still married, to Bruce Blakeman, a lawyer.  However, for his part, he says that the separation is mutual and amicable.

Now this sounds more like what Sir Paul should have been going after all along.  A financially secure, strong woman who knows who she is (and who she is not, unlike Heather who seemed to mix herself up with a journalist of the same name).  She is a millionairess and president of her own company.  Sounds like a good match.

It has been reported that his daughter Beatrice recognized his picture on the front page of the Sun, which was at Heather’s home (remember, this is the paper that Heather asked Britons to boycott buying, which totally explains how it ended up on her coffee table), and it was then that Heather went ballistic and contacted Sir Paul to rip him a new one.  However, just a day later, there is a story of Heather giving Sir Paul her “blessing” in pursuing another woman, and has said there is no animosity between them as far as dating other people goes.  Considering the original story was in the Sun, you can take that for what it’s worth.

It would seem from Heather’s bizarre antics of late that she is either full of hate and wants revenge, is coming a bit unhinged, or both.  Her daughter saw a photo of her daddy kissing another woman?  Well…mommy and daddy are getting divorced, and this happens sometimes.  It isn’t an ideal situation by any stretch…in a perfect world, marriages stay together, parents love each other, and they always have the best interests of their children at heart when making decisions.  Unfortunately, we don’t live in that perfect world, and so we have to do the best we can.  You explain the situation as best you can to your children, and you move on…hopefully doing as little damage to the children as possible.

This whole situation is a mess.  Heather is coming across as the very thing she says she doesn’t want to be seen as…a harping, unglued, irritating golddigger.  Her various interview on both British and US television and newspapers doesn’t bode well for her current divorce settlement, as Sir Paul seems to be basically saying that if there are indeed threats against Heather’s life, then their daughter is better off with him…completely the opposite of what Heather wanted to accomplish.

In my opinion, the best thing for Heather to do right now is sit back and be quiet, as Sir Paul has done, and hammer out any differences in private, with dignity…not only for her sake, but for the sake of her daughter.  Sir Paul is a beloved national celebrity in Britain, indeed around the world, and all of this is being dutifully chronicled.  Heather worries that her daughter will someday find out how her father treated her, but all Beatrice will someday need to do is Google her mom’s name, and that will be the end of that.

But I somehow get the impression that we’ll be writing about this one for quite a bit longer yet.

I remember reading about this when it first surfaced, but I filed it in the back of my mind and didn’t recall it until the other day.  Was Sir Paul’s marriage to Linda really as happy as it was always assumed to be?  It would seem that Linda McCartney wrote a vegetarian cookbook with literary agent Peter Cox, and in the course of it made some 19 tapes in which she admitted her depression and frustration when it came to dealing with her high-profile marriage to Sir Paul:

“There were moments when Linda would feel deeply unhappy about her marriage,” Cox said.

“In her low moments, the idea of leaving him did cross her mind, but she immediately rejected it.

“Her family was the most important thing in her life and there was no way she’d give them up. At the low points, she did feel trapped.”

It seems that Sir Paul was an exacting husband, wanting his wife’s total attention and devotion:

Linda found it easier to accept being bossed around by McCartney rather than confront him.

Of course, Paul had charm, was clever and interesting, sometimes rather soulful, even.

And no one is suggesting he was not a kind and affectionate husband.

But once the honeymoon had passed, Linda was to discover that she had married a complicated person who was self-absorbed, rather arrogant, prone to black moods, and with a not particularly well developed sense of humour.

His possessiveness, flattering at the outset, eventually led to friends observing that she seemed like a ‘caged animal’.

All in all, McCartney was not a man who was easy to be married to.

So was Linda happy? “Sometimes yes, sometimes no,” says a friend. “It was like any marriage - it had its ups and downs and it became a habit.

“But it wasn’t the big fairytale.’

To summarize a somewhat lengthy article, it would seem that marriage to Sir Paul wasn’t the glorious experience that so many have tried to make it out to be; however, while Linda did sometimes chafe and rebel against the restrictions put up by her rather demanding husband, she determined that when it all came down to it, her marriage was worth the effort, and she was determined to make it work.  While there were a couple of times in the marriage when she did leave, she always returned, because her marriage and her family were very important to her.

Why did the marriage work?  According to the article, it was because Linda accepted how the relationship worked, but also because she was, at heart, a gentle person.  I’ll also add my thought…I think she loved Sir Paul, even with his faults, and I think Sir Paul loved her, as much as he could ever love anyone.

But wait, there’s more…