Every once in a while you read something that just makes you cringe and say, Oh come on!
This is one of those stories.

Apparently, Simon Cowell has written a letter, excuse me… a VERY LONNNNNNG letter to his younger self and it was published in the Daily Mail. I didn’t read all of it, because #1…. I have a life, and #2… it was just making me cringe so much I was getting a crick in my neck. And also one of my pet peeves is someone talking in the third person.

First off, who does this? 
Or if you are so silly to do so, do you have it published so everyone can say EWWWWW and think you are a total douche? Really, can Simon be any more full of himself?

Simon must have started at a very early age. The picture below is probably how Simon started out.

Simon Give Us Kiss Now.. You Handsome Dog!

He wrote this letter to himself because his 50th birthday is right around the corner on Oct 7th. I was speechless as I skimmed over the letter and just couldn’t believe what I was reading. We couldn’t post the whole letter here because it was beyond HUGE.

It’s best to read the entire letter yourself on the Daily Mail website.
The letter was entitled, “SIMON COWELL: A letter to my shallow, reckless, cocky younger self“.
I kid you not. Oh! Be sure to have a bucket handy. Click here and gag.

Eonline reported:

Simon Cowell’s Gone Soft (and Long-Winded) in His Old Age

Someone needs to pull the pen from Simon Cowell’s fingers.
While we love it when the crotchety American Idol judge decides to air his dirty laundry in public (that Susan Boyle botch list was a classic), is an absurdly lengthy diatribe really necessary?

On the cusp of his 50th birthday next week, Cowell wrote a letter to himself published in yesterday’s Daily Mail in the U.K. In it, he looks back on the past few decades, scolding himself for poor decisions he made in the ’80s and ’90s and patting himself on the back for the good ones.

It would be a good, self-deprecating, third-person about-face, but regardless of what he says, nearly 3,500 words makes for nothing but a puff (as in puff, the magic ego) piece.

“You are on a roll and you think the good times will last forever but, oh dear, Simon. You are so, so wrong,” he writes to the 1980s version of himself. “You look like a complete idiot…you are overconfident, far too cocky and dressed from head to toe in expensive designer gear…It hasn’t dawned on you yet, you idiot, that you can’t afford any of this stuff.”

Of course, Mr. Tight T-shirts takes it easy on himself for the final 1,000 words or so.

“I must say, despite everything, I’m quite proud of you, Simon,” he says. “You’re happy, you’re content and just incredibly grateful for where you are.”

Then he goes on to list what’s changed for him over the years—really important things like what he drinks and snacks on and how he doesn’t like to bum $5 from anyone. He pats himself on the back for never marrying because he’s such a workaholic, and for staying friends with his exes.

“Your job, Simon, was to make celebrities, not to become one yourself, dear boy,” he says. “Underneath it all, Simon, you are a realist. You don’t believe the hype about yourself. You can see what you do well and what you do badly. People think you are this Machiavellian character, forever plotting and scheming.”

He ends his diatribe as Hallmark would have intended—”So happy birthday! Love Simon”—although we’d hate to see the card size needed to print this self-loving loathing opus.

“Happy Birthday LOVE Simon“? I think I just threw up a little.

The definition for narcissism is as follows:

1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself.
2. Psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
3. Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one’s own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.
4. The attribute of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits

Well I am not sure if #3 applies to Simon, but it would not surprise me one iota!

His letter did remind me of a little poem from my grammar school days when people used to sign your autograph book when you graduated. The all so familiar ”roses are red” rhymes and those little clever ditties like “2 great, 2B, 4 gotten”.

No it wasn’t the “roses are red, violets are black, go sit on a tack“ rhyme that came to mind. (although it certainly would apply)

It was the following little poem, which I would like to dedicate to Simon on his upcoming 50th birthday….

You love yourself you think your grand..
You go to the movies and hold your hand.
You slip your arm around your waist…
And when you get fresh.. you slap your face!

With new reports of Cowell doing American Idol for another two years and also producing “The X Factor” in the US, he will be making over 100 million by this time next year. *shakes head*

It is quite obvious that he can care less that this letter to himself makes him look like a total conceited, pompous ass. Or maybe that is exactly what he wanted. His popularity seems to stay afloat by people loving to hate him.

Oh crap, I think I just contributed to that!
Touche’ Cowell!

Rocking It Out With Barack

Everyone knows how much Ellen DeGeneres loves to rock out and dance with her DJ Tony Okungbowa in the beginning of all her shows. But recently, Telepictures Productions was slapped with a lawsuit for using unlicensed songs.

Ellen has been dancing to songs during her show intro for years. I wonder why this lawsuit showed up now? Seems like something the record companies would have caught a long time ago. Maybe they are just hurting by the almighty crush of the internet and can use some cash. Remember that song back in 1979, Video Killed The Radio Star by the Buggles? Well the record companies must be singing, “The internet killed the record companies.”

Eonline reported:

Not everything can go Ellen DeGeneres’ way all the time.

It turns out that several major record companies think the dance-happy host rocks out a little too much and are suing Telepictures Productions over the unlicensed use of more than 1,000 songs on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

You know how Ellen and in-house DJ Tony Okungbowa love their block-rockin’ beats. Per the suit, reps for Ellen said they don’t “roll that way” when the labels asked why they had not licensed the tunes.

But Telepictures doesn’t appear to be sweatin’ the copyright-infringement suit, telling reporters they have already been working with the plaintiffs to resolve their issues on “amicable and reasonable terms.”

The complaint, filed Wednesday in U.S. District Court in Nashville, does not name DeGeneres as a defendant. (Though theoretically this means she’s been dancing to the beat of somebody else’s drum all this time.)

Well I guess Telepictures isn’t worried, and I would imagine they have enough dough to make the record companies who filed the suits very happy.

Besides Ellen has bigger fish to fry these days. It was just announced that Ellen will be replacing Paula Abdul as the fourth judge on American Idol. Apparently, she is elated about being asked to join the panel, and said that she is not going to be mean like Simon Cowell, but rather will let him know when he is being too mean to contestants.

Sorry, I just have to say this. I don’t understand why Ellen was picked for judging American Idol besides her obvious love for music. It seems like everyone on the panel has had something to do with the music industry in their past and seems a little bit more savvy when it comes to judging?

Don’t get me wrong, I like Ellen. She has never bothered me, and I have always admired her courage — just wish she would talk to her Scientology buddies about leaving the cult) 

And as far as Idol goes…Randy what’s up dog? Jackson has always rubbed me the wrong way and I can’t stand Simon Cowell or the entire American Idol mania.

And remind me why Ryan Seacrest is famous again?

However, I have to give Paula Abdul kudos for her hits in her early 80’s singing career, (Opposites Attract, and Straight Up Now Tell Me) but sadly, he has become kind of ditzy over the years. Sorry Paula. 

Maybe Ellen will bring a sense of freshness and honesty to the show that they so desperately need. It seems that the panel has become bored out of their minds and less and less tolerant of contestants and it has become no secret that this show is steep with ”ringers” that are not the average joes off the street trying to make the rags to riches story become a reality. Even though Randy Jackson and Simon have been quoted as saying:

“Let’s sign them.” We’re out to find the best undiscovered [talent] and really herald that.”

Undiscovered talent?  HA!

There are handfuls of ringer contestants placed on this show which 
are actual struggling artists. Music executives are the ones deciding who should be the next star by marketing them on Idol. It doesn’t mean that these struggling artists don’t deserve a chance at stardom, but it makes the whole Idol contest process snarky and very deceptive.

Take David Archuleta for instance. At age 12 he won Star Search. During Idol’s first season, he met with finalists and sang for Kelly Clarkson and then within days it was arranged for him to be on the show.

Archuleta is only one example. There are MANY more ringers that have appeared on Idol who had previous talent, agents, careers, and gigs etc… Click here and feel silly for believing all the hype that surrounds Idol and their ability of actually finding undiscovered talent.

The truth is, that the days of Idol finding a total nobody off the street and having them make it big doesn’t exist any more. Which is why I wished this show was over long ago. It’s just not what it pretends to be. I think Paula Abdul got out just in time. I am waiting for her to write a tell-all book about Idol which would finally send Simon packing. *that would be totally dee-lish!*

American Idol will be starting up fresh this January with a brand new face on their panel. I doubt if Ellen is privy to all the ringers on the show. Why would they tell her? And if they did, would she agree with it? I would like to think she wouldn’t.

Again it’s not that these struggling artists don’t deserve a chance at making it big, or should I say bigger…. it  just seems wrong to promote the show as finding undiscovered talent. It is also sad for the other contestants, as it gives them even less of  a chance of making it in to the finals.

As quoted by Vote for the Worst  back in January of 2008:

So were the auditions just a formality this year? Because we’re fairly sure that if you have a Grammy winning duet with Alicia Keys, a band that opened for Britney Spears, or a prior relationship in show business, you probably weren’t waiting in line like the rest of the people who mistakenly assumed American Idol was a competition to find “the best undiscovered talent in America”. Then again, we all know what happens when you assume.

Count me out as far as tuning in to this “struggling artist ringer showcase”. Sorry Ellen, but at the very least, I hope you have a lot of fun on Idol cheering on the next pre-picked ringer!

Paula Goodspeed Dies
by TVGrapevine

Last week, a mentally disturbed fan of Paula Abdul, who had crossed the boundary between fan and star more than once (twice this year involving the police and disturbing the peace), committed suicide not far from Paula’s home:

Paula Goodspeed, 30, who auditioned in front of the show’s three judges in 2006, was found dead on Tuesday just outside of Paula Abdul’s home in Sherman Oaks, Calif. Police said the death was an apparent suicide by drug overdose, and Goodspeed—who was allegedly stalking Abdul—had a photo of the “Idol” star in her car, along with some of Paula’s CDs and a license plate that read “ABL LV”–”Abdul Love.” On her MySpace page, she admitted that Paula was “My Secret Crush shhhhh!!” Goodspeed sent Paula flowers the day before her death (the note: “Hope you’re doing great. Here’s my new cell phone number”) and apparently her real name wasn’t even Paula. People Magazine reports that it was Sandra, and Goodspeed changed it so she could be more like the “Idol” judge.

I had dispensed with the juggernaut known as AI by the time this woman auditioned, but I watched the video of it online, and it was disturbing at best:

She went before the judges in 2006 dressed in pink from head to toe. She proclaimed her love for Paula, without a trace of irony. “I really like Paula Abdul a lot,” she said. “She’s really cool. I’m a really big fan.” Goodspeed even wasn’t embarrassed to confess that she’d been drawing life-sized pictures of Paula ever since she was a kid, which the producers, of course, went on to show us. If she was a bad artist, she was an even worse singer. The judges cringed as she performed a screechy rendition of “Proud Mary.” “I don’t think any artist in the world can sing with that much metal in their mouth,” Simon said, in reference to her braces. When Goodspeed was booted off the show, she immediately attacked. “I was pitchy on a couple notes, big f—ing deal. There’s a lot of people they send to Hollywood who can’t really hold a note,” she said. And then she said cryptically: “It’s not over.” The line seems eerie now, but Godspeed seemingly got what she wanted: fame, and the attention of Abdul, who released a statement about her death. “I am deeply shocked and saddened by what transpired,” said Paula.

If you’ve watched any AI at all, you know that before the season really gets started, they have a few weeks of episodes devoted to the auditions.  Needless to say, they can be quite eyeopening and somewhat life-affirming (you tend to think, “Hey, I may be bad, but at least I’m not that bad!”).

And I admit that I watched AI for a couple of seasons (Ruben and Fantasia), but I finally had enough.  I think the audition tapes did it for me…it just felt wrong to be sitting in my comfortable living room watching people on my TV who were just on there because they were Just. That. Bad.  Very few are chosen because they are the Next Big Thing, but because they are Today’s Worst Thing…Until Somebody Worse Comes Along In The Next Five Minutes.  And this happens on a national–some might even argue world-wide–level.  I mean, which of us wants to be ridiculed by the world at large just because we sang off-key?  Full-time celebs realize that snark is part of the game, and that any press coverage is good press coverage, but these are just your average Joe and Jane who think they possibly have a shot at the big time and who find it hard to just go back:

Goodspeed kept her head held high as she left. “It’s not over,” she told the producers. “I’m not going to stop singing just because you don’t like my voice.”

A month after her episode aired, Goodspeed revealed her pain in a MySpace blog.

“It’s very hard reading such awful things being written about yourself … or hearing things being said,” she wrote.

So, have we as a public encouraged this behavior?  Is this sort of thing akin to pointing and laughing at the “weird” kid in school?  In my opinion, there are arguments to be made both ways.

But wait, there’s more…

I’ll admit, I haven’t watched American Idol on a regular basis since Ruben won (he was my pick).  I kind of half-heartedly watched when Fantasia won (it was too obvious), and since then I’ve given up on the show.  But even when I was tuning in, it seemed like Paula Abdul sometimes wasn’t watching the same show as the rest of us…indeed, there were times we weren’t sure just what it was she was watching.  And her own special brand of crazazy continues, when she became entirely too confused on air:

On a night when “American Idol” switched up the judges’ format by making them hold their appraisals until every contestant had a turn, Abdul offered feedback Tuesday for two songs by Jason Castro — except that he’d only sung one.

Unlike the usual format, in which each “Idol” performance is judged immediately, Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell were made to take notes, then offer individual critiques in rapid succession at the end of each round. The reason, Seacrest explained, was because “this show is so tight.”

So after each of the final five contestants sang one Neil Diamond song, Jackson zipped through his appraisals, offering a few terse words for each before kicking it to a visibly flustered Abdul.

“Oh gosh, we’ve never had to write these things down … fast enough,” she began, shuffling through her notecards. “Jason, first song, I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear, um … .”

And that’s where it started going off the rails.

“The second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn’t — it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty.”

Indeed.

All six people on stage, including Seacrest, stared blankly (except Syesha Mercado, who wore the furrowed brow of mystification).

“The two songs,” she continued, “made me feel like you’re not fighting hard enough to get into the top four.”

After a smattering of nervous crowd laughter, Jackson finally broke the tension.

“That was just on the first song,” he said sheepishly, pointing up to Castro. “Just on the first one.”

Simon Cowell closed his eyes and shook his head, and began to guffaw as Abdul’s confusion mounted.

“Oh my god, I thought you — I thought you sang twice!” she said.

She explained that she got confused by looking ahead at the notes for David Cook. [...]

Even Cowell gathered himself to help patch up the moment, patting Abdul on the shoulder and asking, as if to speed things along, “Paula, who was your favorite?”

Her reply: Cook (the same contestant whose performance she supposedly noted as having left her “empty”). [...]

Abdul told “Entertainment Tonight” after the show that she was thrown for a loop when producers apprised the judges of the change “in the dark” at the last minute.

“This was officially the strangest show we’ve ever done,” Cowell said at the conclusion of the telecast, “but I like that. It’s kind of a bit chaotic tonight.”

Hmm.  Okay, I can understand being flustered when somebody changes up the format on you at the last minute, but come on…aren’t these people supposed to be professionals?  Don’t they have experience in television?  Aren’t there producers, directors, people to make sure hosts do what they are supposed to do?  This isn’t Paula’s first season on AI, it isn’t like she’s never done this before.  It isn’t too hard to watch and know whether or not people sing one song or two.  And she had Randy to pave the way for her, all she had to do was listen to him and imitate what he did.  Is it just me, or are there entirely too many “odd” events that happen to Paula?

Randy and Simon didn’t seem to have problems with the new format, but I guess Paula did.  Oh well, just add it to the list of Very Weird Events in the career of Paula Abdul.

K told you it was ultra not good, but here’s the video. Judge for yourself.

Britney’s VMA performance was only slightly worse, and at least her derivative drivel is a bit more inspired. Paula, no offense, but you are better behind the table than in front of it.

*ducks and runs for cover*

Huh?

It wasn’t Brit-At-The-VMA’s level, but it certainly wasn’t all that exciting.  Where was the crazazy?

You could barely hear her singing (and it isn’t my TV, I have the Surround Sound going).  I couldn’t understand any of the lyrics except “Dance like there’s no tomorrow!”  You could tell she was lip-synching (I realize she wouldn’t be singing live, but she could have faked it better).  The dancing was energetic but dull.  And I was just waiting on that microphone stand to hit her in the head.

Plus, what was dancing peepaw Randy Jackson doing?  He was totally doing the white boy dance!  Come on, dawg, put your back into it!

Can’t wait to hear what Simon has to say about it.

Two words:  Bo ring.

Okay, back to my hot wings.  At least they got some spice to them.

UPDATE:  In contrast, Alicia Keys is totally bringin’ it!

UPDATE #2, 11/25/08:  I heard this song the other day piped over the sound system while I was getting gas at the local truck stop.  Hey, I ain’t sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

Paula Abdul hasn’t performed (unless you call her blubbering and awkward giggling on American Idol a performance) for over a decade, yet for some inexplicable reason ($$$$) the organizers of the Super Bowl have decided to offer Paula a chance to perform for the much coveted half-time show.

The same half-time show performers like Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson (remember them? boob flash anyone) Paul McCartney, and Prince have performed at in recent years. Yes, it’s a totally natural progression to go from Prince to Paula Abdul. Why not? If we can have Britney headline the VMA’s, why not have Paula ruin, er perform at the Super Bowl.

It wouldn’t be so bad if Paula were performing/lipsyncing her well-produced hits like “Straight Up,” “Forever Your Girl,” “Cold-Hearted Snake,” or “Rush Rush” for that matter. But no, just like all crazy and self-inflated artist-types, she’s going to play a new song which a. no one knows and b.) no one wants to hear, rather than a hit that would have people dancing in mutual recognition and nostalgic camaraderie.

TMZ has a clip of the new single, “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” which sounds like a watered down, less than stellar version of a Nelly Furtado song, and was produced by none other than her AI co-host/judge Randy Jackson. To add to the nepotism and Hollywood circle jerk, Ryan Seacrest played a clip of the single on his show. You can hear it here.

I do not understand why music artists refuse to play what audiences want to hear. When I go see Van Morrison I want to hear “Brown-Eyed Girl” not some obscure single he did with the Chieftains back in 1988. No offense to The Chieftains.

Excuse my ire, I’m having a little episode. Paging Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil we need you stat!

There was a time when Paula Adbul was the craziest person in Hollywood. That special time is over and her brand of pill-popping crazy has been eclipsed by the spectacularly unhinged Britney Spears.

But, hey, who couldn’t use a little palate cleanser about right now? I need something to wash out the taste of stale cigarettes, sugary Frappuccinos and Adderal from my mouth.

So, just in time for Fox’s American Idol’s new season, which premiers Jan.15 & 16, we have word our little Paula had full-scale Chernobyl-style meltdown at LAX recently. Here’s the report from the brilliant Radar Online:

Paula Abdul, the braying, oft-drunk judge of landmark cultural institution American Idol, caused quite the scene at LAX over the holidays, according to a source. Says a tipster who saw her in the Continental Airlines terminal: “She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

I have to tell you something. When you bring out the “Poltergeist voice” and you aren’t talking to your kids about why there’s human feces all over their bedroom wall, then you have some REAL problems. Although my voice is a more “Excorcist voice” and has been known to cause stirrings in the bowels of Satan himself, but whatevs, get your crazy on Paula.

And if you are the Michael, Sidney and Leslie in question, you better hope your health insurance is paid up, because all that’s left at this point are the reports of your broken and mutilated bodies being found in some ditch somewhere. DO NOT MESS WITH THE CRAZIES!