True story:  So I’m sitting in here working on the computer and my kids are watching Celebrity Apprentice.  All of a sudden I hear, “What?  What is that?  Mom!”  Never a good sign.  So I ask what the deal is.

“Who is Perris Hilton?

What?  Who?  What are they talking about?

“Perris Hilton?  Peeris Hilton?  Something Hilton?”

Huh?  My kids have lost it.  They’re talking about Paris Hilton, although I am not sure why she would be on Celebrity Apprentice…not this early anyway.  Give it a few years.  I can’t wait.  But my kids are hollering again.

“No, not Paris…something All Media, All Media Something?  It’s not a girl, it’s a guy!”

So at this point I decide to go check out what the heck is going on.  They rewind the DVR and I see…it’s Perez Hilton!  Or at least I think it is!  What?

[SPOILER LERT]

Apparently the teams had to create a viral video for ALL Small and Mighty detergent, and apparently both teams did epic fail (although the Jesse James video was funny if you cut out the last ten seconds or so, with the cursing and stuff, and changed the title).  It seems that the Trumpinator decided that Perez Hilton was the one he would choose for the obligatory FOT (Friend Of Trump) round of shameless butt-kissing and self-promotion (otherwise known as the Guest Judge).  But when I saw Perez, I was all like WOAH!  DOOD!

What did he do to his teeth?  He paid off his car making fun of Hilary Duff’s Chiclet horse teeth veneers, but those pearly whites he’s sporting now have nothing on her former chompers.  I don’t know if they are fakies or just a super whitening treatment gone bad (he does have pretty big teeth), but they seriously look odd.  And while it’s a great thing that his pink/yellow/orange/blue/plaid hairdo is gone, that mannequin curlicue thing he’s sporting now is hardly a step in the right direction.

And what was he doing on there anyway?  He used to do a lot of blogging, but rumor has it that he doesn’t even write his own copy any more, other than the occasional self-promoting vlog.  Now, he’s just famous for being famous, not for actually doing too much of anything really important…not sure if having his own birthday party counts.  Why do people care what he says any more?  It looks like Perez has fallen victim to the very celebrity foibles he once lampooned.  Here’s an earlier picture, for comparison:

Oh, by the way, Clint Black is a moron.  I never thought so, until now.  What an idiot.  I’ll be surprised if he has any fans left after this show.  You’re no Trace Adkins, bud.

[ff to 53:32 for the Perez segment]

Just in case you were wondering how Perez Hilton manages to do it all, we may have found the answer:  Rumor has it that the Perezinator doesn’t do his own stunts, if you know what I mean:

We had lunch yesterday with someone closely connected to Perez Hilton who confirmed what we’ve suspected for a while now:
Perez no longer writes any of the content on the site.

The only things Perez Hilton actually contributes to his own website these days are the video blogs he puts up from time to time.

He’s got not one but THREE writers he’s hired (including a new one who loves to use the word “Fehk”) so he can go gallivanting around, propagating his own celebrity while his minions do the heavy lifting.

Lame!

That ain’t Cyrano, that’s Milli Vanilli.

But at least now we know why his site has started to suck in the past year.

You know, it’s rather ironic that someone who broke into the business telling stories on other people is now the subject of rumor and hearsay themselves.  It’s also rather ironic that someone who supposedly got into celeb blogging because they enjoyed it so much is now such a big star in their own right that they don’t even have time to do what made them a star to begin with.

I mean, what’s the point?  After all, what IS Perez without his site?  Just another fat-guy-on-the-inside with bad skin and horrible taste in clothes who is still nursing grudges from his childhood.  If he isn’t writing on his site, then why is he a “celeb” at all?

TTTT, I haven’t visited Perez’s site in stinkin’ forever, mainly because it just gets boring after a while.  I mean, come on.  Yeah, he does manage to break news on new music, and sometimes he does get exclusive scoops…but I’d rather have modest success and be able to sleep at night.

(For some reason, and it may be because it is Monday, I wanted to write, “Does Perez Hilton Use Dunt Stubles?”  I dunno.  It just sounded funny.)

I’m feeling particularly grouchy this morning, after a night with no sleep (I only wish, it’s more like I was chasing a critter around my house most of the night), so of course this story appeals to me:  So-called Queen Of All Media Perez Hilton, who has previously spent so much time kissing up to Lily Allen that it’s practically nauseating, apparently stopped receiving her checks or something a while back, because the two of them are engaging in a verbal sissy-fight slap-fest as only those who live by the media can. 

First, it seems that even Lily recognizes that dancing isn’t her strong suit, and perhaps she shouldn’t drink and grind:

She also gave up alcohol for a while, but was pictured sipping white wine during a concert in the Bahamas on Friday.

‘I react bad to alcohol, but I never know when to stop,’ she said.

‘I keep drinking, because it helps me. I find it difficult to communicate with strangers.’

Dressed in a revealing outfit and puffing on cigarettes, Miss Allen did not seem shy as she danced on stage with female strippers.

‘Worst gig ever,’ she wrote on her Twitter page afterwards.

‘I’ve just been shown photographic evidence of myself podium dancing last night,’ she added later. ‘God I’m a d**k.’

Lily posted that on Twitter three days ago (there’s no timestamp), and Perez posted photos on his site two days ago, February 18 at 11:00 AM.

Now, Perez:

Ladies, take note!

This is not how it’s done!

Lily Allen had the nerve to join a go-go dancer on stage at a club in the Bahamas early Valentine’s Day morning.

She looks like an awkward cow up there!

Good thing Lils doesn’t dance to pay the bills!

Now Lily:

@perezhilton oh , I’m sorry , we’ve already cast the jealous and bitter lonely old queen role. Next time eh ?

Now Perez again:

@lilyroseallen Jealous of who? David Beckham, maybe. And if I wanted to be a f****d up Brit, I’d rather be Amy Winehouse – whose got talent.

Lily:

@perezhilton god, you’re like so obsessed with me its embarassing.

Perez:

@lilyroseallen Congrats on your album doing well in America, though. It’s REALLY HARD to sell copies when u discount it to $3.99. Desperate!

And it just deteriorates from there.  Check it out here and here.  Suffice it to say that it ain’t pretty, and probably NSFW (language).

On the one hand, it’s kind of surreal to see Perez ragging on Lily, since he’s always been in her corner and was one of the first to notice her talent.  Say what you want about Perez, but he’s good at spotting new performers and bringing them to the unwashed masses.  OTOH, it’s kind of surreal to see Lily dopeslapping Perez, since she has been buddy-buddy with him for a while now.  No, he didn’t make her, but he did help get her name noticed.  Perez has been a jerk lately to Lily, but then Lily can give as good as she gets.  These two are made for each other.

If Lily is today, look for Katy Perry or Angelina Jolie or Paris Hilton to be next.  We can only hope.  Don’t waste time on her, Perez, go after the big prizes!

By the way, yes…I do realize I’ve done a few Lily posts recently.  Unless she solves world hunger or bails out the automakers, I’m done for a while.

If Michael Lohan has his way, it’s gonna be goin’ down with celeb blogger Perez Hilton (and no, I don’t mean any dirty puns).  Lindsay’s dad (whose side I used to be on until he proved that he, like everybody else in Lindsay’s family, can’t keep his yammering trap shut) is going to participate in a boxing match for charity, and guess who he’d like to meet in the ring?

The Hollywood dad-gone-bad – who insists he’s trying to do good – is offering to step into the boxing ring with the highest bidder and donate all the money to Long Island charities.

“This is not about publicity,” Lohan told the Daily News before heading to the gym to get in fighting form for the Nov. 24 match at the Hilton Long Island in Melville, L.I.

“If publicity is involved, it’s only to raise money for charity,” he said. [...]

Bidding starts at $5,000 for the chance to go three rounds with Lohan – but the convicted felon knows whom he’d like to fight.

“If there’s one person on this planet that I’d like to fight, it’s [celebrity blogger] Perez Hilton – for every single jab he’s taken at my children and my family,” Lohan said.

“I think it would take more than three rounds to hit him as much as I should,” he said.

Hilton didn’t seem to take the bait. “I may take jabs at him and his messed-up family, but they’re baby taps compared to the blows he’s thrown at his own ex-wife and his daughter’s girlfriend [Samantha Ronson],” Hilton told The News.

“Michael Lohan needs to work through his many issues outside the ring and in the therapist’s chair,” said Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira.

“Maybe if he quit being such a desperate media whore, he might one day be able to have a relationship with his children again.”

Well, there’s the media whore calling the media whore media whore.  (Okay, I just filled my allotted whore-typing quota for this week.)

In all fairness to Michael, while he may have been a bad guy in the past, he seems to have tried to rehabilitate himself.  However, he still hasn’t learned that he has to shut up when it comes to matters concerning his famous daughter.  He’s as bad as Mitch Winehouse in that respect…constantly flapping his yapper to the press about stuff he really should keep to himself.  Oh wait, maybe he and Perez have something in common after all.

You know, Michael, if you don’t like your daughter’s lifestyle, that’s one thing, but keep it between the two of you.  Stop talking about it to the press.  That’s one sure way of convincing your daughter that you’re serious.

What do you think…who should meet up with Michael in the ring?  Would it be poetic justice to see Lindsay win the bidding?

A word of warning:  Don’t send Perez an email and then tick him off, because he’s liable to just exact a little retribution of his own:

Diane Wargo, 42, filed suit Monday in Cuyahoga County Common Pleas Court. Wargo’s lawsuit stems from a nasty e-mail she sent Hilton — the self-proclaimed “Queen of All Media” — in December. The e-mail, filled with homophobic language, insulted Hilton and actress Angelina Jolie.

Hilton — whose real name is Mario Lavandeira — posted Wargo’s name and work e-mail on his gossip Web site, resulting in a rush of angry e-mails from Hilton fans, said Wargo’s lawyer, Brian Spitz. Menorah Park, which also received numerous e-mails from angry Hilton fans, fired Wargo the same day because she had used her company e-mail, Spitz said.

Perez’s lawyers contend that she had no expectation of privacy because she didn’t post to the site, but sent a personal email:

Wargo, in her lawsuit, said she and other users of Hilton’s site are promised confidentiality.

Hilton’s attorney, Bryan Freedman, told the Associated Press that the lawsuit has no merit and that anyone who sends an e-mail to perezhilton.com does not have an expectation of privacy rights.

So just what did she say, anyway?  (I’m not linking to the original, look it up if you don’t believe me)

Perez you are a FAT GAY PIG! Angelina is a ugly whore! You love her because she is a fag lover! Her brother is a gay little jerk just like your fat ugly ass! MANGELINA is a digusting gross skank!

I’m not a lawyer, and I’m no expert on the finer points of law, so I’m not sure if all of this will hold up in court or not.  But I do know this…Perez sits up there in his pretty pink palace and rains down spit slobber doodles on whatever celeb is having a bad day at the moment, and takes no time to examine the finer points of…well, anything.  His attitude is arrogant and for every friend he has in the celeb word, he has fifty who can’t stand the mention of his name.

But even if it is true that the expectation of privacy clause applies only to the site and not personal email, it was still a rotten thing to do.  Perez knows the power of his site and of the internets in general, and he knew that if he posted someone’s personal information that it would be all over the web in a matter of minutes.  If somebody knows what they’re doing, they could have found out a lot more info than just what Perez posted, and then it becomes a safety issue.  The woman has already been besieged with threatening emails and phone calls from rabid Perez fans.

Besides, she should have known what she was getting in for when she logged onto the site.  I mean, come on…read one article there and you’ve got his MO figured out.  He posts how he does for a reason, and that reason is to generate hits to his site.

No, she should not have sent him a letter rife with gay slurs, no matter how she felt.  No matter how somebody feels about another’s sexual orientation (or race or occupation or eating habits or whatever), that’s just wrong.  And it was pretty stupid to send him an email from where she works.  But he in turn shouldn’t have posted her personal information and possibly compromised her personal safety in doing so.  He’s just shooting himself in the foot when he does stuff like this.

So, if you go to Perez’s site, caveat emptor (well, or something like that).

Wait, people don’t do videotape any more, do they?  Well, anyway, you get the idea.

I feel absolutely dirty even posting this link.  I seriously need a shower or something.  My OCD is kicking in and I must go wash my hands.  So while I do that, you go check out the chat between Perez Hilton and the guy whom he promised to help if he’d just send Perez some nakie stuff of himself.

I absolutely must warn you.  The language is NSFW, there are some definite NSFW photos, and I know more about little Perez than I ever wanted to know (although I’m sure he, like most other males, exaggerate).  Do not say you haven’t been warned.  Although…I’m not sure who comes across (no pun intended) as the more pathetic, JJ or Perez.

Never put anything in writing, video, or photos what you don’t want to come back to haunt you.

I’m so ending this article.

Well MY illusions have been shattered.

It would seem one Mario Lavanderia, better known as Perez Hilton, told an aspiring young blogger that he’d promote his site in exchange for some sex videos, and then bailed on him faster than you can say, “Hand me a tissue”:

Jonathan Jaxson – a former publicist and founder of gossip site JJ’s Dirt – told Page Six he sent Lavandeira sexually explicit videos of himself with the hope of Lavandeira’s help, which never materialized.

“He would tell me he would give me stories for my blog,” Jaxson, 24, said of Lavandeira, 29. “He used me.” [...]

The New York Times ran a gushing puff piece on “Perez” Tuesday, reporting he gets 2.8 million visitors a month and is in talks with Warner Music for his own label because he has such a great ear for new music.

In an exchange from Sept. 1, 2007, Lavandeira told Jaxson, “you should totally make a sex tape . . . (but not with me).” Jaxson wrote back, “I will have to make one on here for you tomorrow and e-mail it to you.” Lavandeira responded, “Hot! Do it now!”

The next afternoon, Lavandeira asked Jaxson, “When are you sending me that video you promised?” Jaxson responded, “If you do a phone blog with me for my blog . . . as if I am cold calling you in attempt to get advice for my blog. You can be totally rude. I don’t want others to know we talk.”

The next day, Lavandeira asked again, “Where is that video?”

Jaxson told Page Six he sent Lavandeira videos of himself masturbating and other forms of “sex videos,” but said he only met Lavandeira in person three times – once in Florida and twice in New York.

“I fell in love with Perez. I thought he had a huge heart . . . but he’s just a [bleep]hole,” Jaxson told us. “We started working together and communicating on how to make my blog bigger. Then it got more personal and intimate.”

Hmm hmm hmm.  I mean, I’ve used Perez’s site for information before, and generally he can get some good dirt on celebs, but this is something different entirely.  Is Perez the pottymouth calling the celebrity kettles black?

I mean, it could be a case of a spurned lover wanting to extract some publicity, or cash, from someone who is in a more advantageous position than they are.  But, then again…in things like this, it’s often he said, he said.  This one ought to get good.  Nobody can hold a grudge like the gays.

But there is a lesson to be learned by all you young thangs out there:  Never put on video or audio what you don’t want people to see.  Oh yeah, and people will say anything for sex.

 

Kind of an awkward title, huh?  But I could have said something like, “Perez Posted Britney Leaks, Zomba Sues” or “Zomba Sues, Britney Leaks On Perez Hilton” or simply “Britney Leaks On Perez, Zomba Sues”.  Be glad I went with what I did.

So anyway.  Anyone who’s been reading celebrity gossip sites for more than five minutes knows who Perez iz and has seen him posting leaked Britney music on his site.  Sometimes they’ve been full songs, sometimes they’ve been demos, and they are always accompanied by Perez’s scathing commentary and a scribbled-on JPEG of Brit.  And Zomba, who owns the copyrights to the songs and is owned itself by parent company Jive, is not happy about it:

Zomba sued PerezHilton.com for copyright infringement today (Oct. 11), saying the gossip Web site illegally posted recordings by Britney Spears. The suit, filed in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles, accused the site and its proprietor, Mario Lavandeira, of illegally obtaining and posting at least 10 completed songs and unfinished demos. [...]

“Blackout” was scheduled to be released on Nov. 13 by Zomba parent Jive but yesterday was moved up to Oct. 30, due to the leaks.

Thus far, Perezzle has had no comment, but I can’t see it staying that way for long.

So Perezito once again has his behind in a sling, huh?  Personally, I think he likes it there (no, not for that reason, get your mind out of the gutter…but who knows, he might…okay, so let’s not go there) because it means loads of free publicity for his site and his VH1 specials.  What’s not to like?

And, let’s just face the facts…those leaked tracks he was posting weren’t all that great.  Honestly.  For example, the only thing “Gimme More” has going for it is a hook and a catchy beat.  It might be enough to stick in my head and drive me crazy at the most inopportune moments, and make me drive nails into my head trying to get it to shut up, but that isn’t enough to compel me to go buy the CD.  I was curious as to what the song sounded like, but I wasn’t a twenty-buck CD worth of curious.

So, in a way, The Perezinator is doing everyone a public service by posting these tracks.  The two or three people who do like it can then go buy the entire CD, and the multitude of people who decide they hate it are saving Jive the trouble of settling lawsuits brought on by busted eardrums, migraine headaches, and rabid pets caused by the noise crap drivel music.

Nothing!! All is right in the world. Hugh’s with hot young ladies 1/5 his age, and some big goofball with orange hair is standing next to them.

Seriously though, I wonder what happened to Perez’s eye? Do you think he was assaulted by a celeb while posting at his favorite coffee shop? I was always curious about how he avoided the chronic beatdown, seeing as how he hangs out at the same place everyday and talks some smack about his neighbors in La La Land.

He probably ran into a door. Yeah, that’s it.

Get better soon P-Nasty!

Some people ask “What does Kate Moss see in this guy?” and to that I say “What doesn’t she?”

According to Starpulse, the super-sexy, ultra-delicious metrosexually groomed Pete Doherty is ready to be clean and sober – for the 15th time. While in court today for review of his drug-treatment progress Petey had this to say about getting clean:

“The people I’m closest to have had enough. They’ve said it’s drugs or them. A lot has changed in the past week.”

Just in time too. From the looks of it, he was about to be condemned and torn down for being a health hazard. Seriously, is there anything more repulsive that this guy? Don’t answer that, because if there is, I don’t want to know about it.