No, I’m serious. Britain’s Living TV is going to sign up Wonky herself to star in a show called Paris’ Pooches, where she will manage a pet grooming business in London:

The heiress is set to invade U.K. TV. Paris Hilton has reportedly signed a deal with a British channel to star in a dog-grooming show entitled “Paris’ Pooches.”

Hilton, 27, allegedly inked a deal with Living TV television channel to star in a series, in which she will manage a beauty parlor for dogs in Bond Street, London.

An insider tells Sunday Star newspaper, “The shop is perfect for Paris. It’s a subject she’s passionate about and it’s a way for her to break into U.K. TV.”

“Watching Paris act out her Los Angeles lifestyle, in which tiaras for Chihuahuas are of real importance, should be very entertaining. And she will no doubt be hitting the clubs and parties over here in the same way she does back home.”

Yes, I’m serious. The same woman who admits she collects pets like she collects purses, who was well over the limit on how many domestic animals she had within the Los Angeles city limits, and who refused to spay or neuter her animals or give away the puppies (because only big meanie poopyheads take babies away from their mommas), is going to have a show about pets.

Let’s revisit the list of Paris’ pet sins, shall we?

To Ellen DeGeneres, on why she has so many dogs:

Ellen: Seventeen? Why do you have so many dogs?

Paris: Cuz they keep having babies, and I feel bad to give them away, because I feel like if I had a baby and someone gave it away it would be mean, so I feel bad for my dogs.

Ellen: Paris, you have to spay and neuter your pets.

Paris: They all just got fixed.

Ellen: All of ‘em?

Paris: (pause) (unconvincingly) Yes.

Ellen: No. You’re lying again!

Paris: Two–two of them weren’t.

On a cat that was forgotten at a vet’s office:

TMZ has learned that Miss P adopted the puddy tat — which she named Prada — at the Kris Kelly Foundation last May, about a week before she headed to Lynwood Jail. After Paris was released, we’re told she knew she had to have Prada neutered, but didn’t get around to it until a few weeks ago, on January 30.

But here’s the problem — nobody came back for Prada! About a week later, Kris Kelly herself called Paris to find out what happened, but she still hasn’t heard back as to what to do with Paris’ pussy.

Paris’ people say this is nothing to meow about. The cat was to be dropped off to be neutered and then delivered to one of Paris’ peeps. That apparently hasn’t happened yet. But Kris tells us that it’s “a clear-cut case of abandonment” (no pun intended, we think) and has decided not to return the cat.

In 2004, listing the animals she can remember:

Yeah, I’m a big animal lover. Tinkerbell is my life. She comes with me everywhere. I also have a ferret named Dolce & Gabbana. Ferrets are illegal [in New York], but whatever. I just bought a bobcat yesterday. She’s a little girl. I have rats, snakes, and a bunch of other animals, too, like cats and an iguana.

And from 2007, another inventory of her collection:

Paris says, “My animals make me really happy.” When speaking about how many animals she has, the socialite says, “eleven dogs, three cats, three ferrets, two rabbits, and two monkeys.” Many of these animals are allowed to run free around her home according to Hilton.

She tells Elle that the monkeys and ferrets are kept at her ranch but, “the dogs and cats and bunnies run around my house. I have this guy, Eric, who’s like a zookeeper, and he’s with them all the time. He loves them, and I love them, too. But since I work a lot I’m not always home.”

In addition to the well known Chihuahuas, Tinkerbell and Bambi, Hilton owns a Rottweiler named Tyson and eight other dogs. In 2005, Hilton got in some trouble with animal authorities.

The first incident involved Hilton purchasing a kinkajou. The animal, Baby Luv had to be given up because it was illegal to be owned as a pet. The second instance involved Hilton attempting to own a baby kangaroo as a pet, which she purchased in Australia. She has also won numerous awards for being the worst pet owner on the planet.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…this woman is not an animal lover, she is an animal hoarder. She attaches human emotions to animals, she collects them as though they were things, she is convinced she is the only one who can truly love these animals, and by believing she is doing something so wonderful with these animals. All classic signs.

And she’s being rewarded for this behavior with a television show. Is this not a perfect example of what is so wrong and screwed up about the celeb lifestyle and those who pay to televise it? Besides, it’s pretty clear that “hitting the clubs and parties over here in the same way she does back home” is the real reason for the show. And are they serious, saying that tiaras for dogs are of “real importance”?

Makes me glad I have cats. Just try to put a tiara on a cat.

do not want!

Lots of Paris Hilton news, so let’s get caught up.  First of all, she’s on the prowl to find a new friend…you know, someone she considers fat or ugly so she can stand beside them and look hot:

“The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend,” a source tells Usmagazine.com. “Paris is tired of the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust.”

The untitled project – expected to be picked up by either MTV or VH1 – will be her second foray in reality television. Hilton’s The Simple Life, costarring pal Nicole Richie, aired from 2003 to 2007.

The new show is “going to be full of good chick drama and you will see a side of Paris not seen on Simple Life,” the source tells Us.

So much material, so little writing space to appropriately fit it all in.  First, I’m sure she’s totally going to find someone “new” and “cool” who is completely trustworthy by using a reality TV show.  Because, you know, people are so totally honest and real when they go on reality TV.  They never do anything like make stuff up or lie about themselves.  And I’m not sure there is a side of Paris we haven’t seen, thanks to Rick Salomon and her own pantyless escapades.

Plus, all you Paris-wannabees, how pathetic is it that she has to use a reality TV show to find herself a new friend?  Oh wait…it’s not about friendship, it’s about money.  Forgot myself for a moment there.

Next, she has looked a bit closer to home to try and find luck in the romance department:

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden are officially a thing, meaning if all goes well, Paris and Nicole Richie could be … sister-in-laws. And you thought the Manson family was scary. […]

Sources close to the situation tell TMZ, “They are dating for sure,” and that they actually met a while back but were in other relationships at the time. “It was all about the timing,” we’re told.

Apparently Paris and What’s-His-Name (hereafter to be known as “The Nottie and the Nottie”) were spotted at Home Nightclub in St. Louis danc–wait, St. Louis?  Missouri?  Paris knows where that is?

The last time I checked, once Paris gets a man in her life the girlfriend thing goes out the window.  Hope any of the potential Paris beeffeffs don’t plan on getting too chummy.

And animal-hoarding Paris was spotted out at a controversial pet store.  Yes, Pets of Bel Air, the pet place linked to a puppy mill and supplier to people like Paris and Britney Spears and Denise “Thumbody’s tampered wit da bawwwwwwwmb” Richards and Robin Williams (what?  Yep), was graced with the presence of Nottie and Nottie on Monday.  Like Paris needs any more pets.  What she needs to do is get rid of most of the ones she already has…you know, the ones she’s never home to take care of and that she let breed irresponsibly.

Okay, my fingers are officially revolting against writing anything else about her, so I’d better stop before they jump off my hands and run aw

Or more likely a shovel, considering how deep in the doodoo she’s gotten this time.

It seems that she announced to a shocked Ellen DeGeneres that she has seventeen–yes seventeen–dogs.  Here’s a snippet:

Ellen:  Seventeen?  Why do you have so many dogs?

Paris:  Cuz they keep having babies, and I feel bad to give them away, because I feel like if I had a baby and someone gave it away it would be mean, so I feel bad for my dogs.

Ellen:  Paris, you have to spay and neuter your pets.

Paris:  They all just got fixed.

Ellen:  All of ‘em?

Paris:  (pause) (unconvincingly) Yes.

Ellen:  No.  You’re lying again!

Paris:  Two–two of them weren’t.

But wait, there’s more…

We here at GlossLip are not immune to the plethora of lovey-dovey sentiments that rain down on Valentine’s Day (or, as it is more commonly known, The Day Card, Chocolate, And Flower Companies Recoup All Their Losses For The Year Day).  So, we decided to see just which Conversation Hearts our favorite celebs might be receiving this V-Day.

And yes, these are actual sayings off actual Conversation Hearts that I purchased at an actual store and am actually munching on now.  I have sat here and laboriously picked through them, searching for just the right ones, drawing from a bowl purchased specifically for this auspicious occasion.  Oh, the sacrifices I make for my art.

But wait, there’s more…

Awww…how could you not love that face?

Uno, a 15″ beagle, won Best In Show last night at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show held in New York City:

The judge could hear Uno, the 15-inch beagle, baying as he gave his once-over to the standard poodle. And when he completed his observations, he needed four minutes before he pointed to the winner: Uno, the beagle, or Ch. K-Run’s Park Me In First, who will turn 3 in May.

Snoopy would be pleased. His breed, long passed over for glory, had finally triumphed.

“He’s the most perfect beagle I’ve ever seen,” [Best In Show judge Dr. J. Donald] Jones said at a news conference, where Uno hopped on the judge’s legs trying to get at his water.

“If you saw him, you saw that perfectly smooth locomotion. Not one muscle went the wrong way. Look at his face, you melt right down.”

He added: “That was a beautiful lineup of dogs. I’d give this dog a 10.”

Last night also marked the first time in the history of the show that a beagle, one of the most popular breeds of dog in the USA, has taken home the big prize:

Jones had not been aware that his choice of a beagle was unprecedented.

“That’s wonderful!” he said, and turned to Aaron Wilkerson, Uno’s 29-year-old handler, and said, “You’re a first, young man.”

Asked why he thought no beagle had ever won best in show at Westminster before, Jones said, “Maybe the others just didn’t have it.”

By now, Uno’s baying at Wilkerson had accelerated, as had the insistent east-west wagging of his tail. His showman’s cool had evaporated.

“He talks to him,” Jones said in admiration. “What a personality.”

Congratulations to Uno, and to all the dogs at the WKC show.  You don’t make it there without being a champion to start with, so this was the cream of the crop of purebred canine breeds.  After all, as David Frey pointed out last night, the ethical purpose of breeding purebred dogs by loving owners is to keep the standards of that breed alive, the things that each particular breed has been known for and bred to perform over millenia.

But there are so many unethical breeders and owners out there, and unforunately many animals end up abused, hurt, neglected, and unwanted.  We here at GlossLip are animal lovers, and we encourage you to make a visit to your local animal shelter when it comes time to choose a forever furry friend.  There are many dogs and cats there who are in desperate needs of good, loving homes.  Plus, at dogsrule.com (Pedigree sponsored the show), you can not only find a new adoptable pet, but you can also find ways to donate to help animals in need.  If nothing else, make a trip to your local shelter with a bag of food and some doggie toys.  And, as always, spay and neuter your pets.

I can’t think of a better way to celebrate Uno’s win!

Yes, it’s that time of year again…one of the shows I look forward to every year at this time.  No, it isn’t the Grammys or the Oscars, but the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.  Over 2500 contenders have descended upon NYC for the chance to win that coveted prize, Best In Show.

I first started watching this show way back in the day and have made it a yearly tradition since.  And this year it’s a little beagle named Uno who is looking to become Top Dog:

Since 1915, beagles have been the only breed consistently ranked in the Top 10 among the American Kennel Club’s list of the most popular dogs. So why is the breed so admired by the general dog-loving public? “Because of good ol’ Snoopy,” says Uno’s handler Aaron Wilkerson. “You think of a beagle and you think of Snoopy, and how can you pass that up?”

The cuteness factor will also endear Uno to fans in an arena which has been home to a whole lot of ugly (see New York Knicks). “Uno has that soft, pleading look and when you see him you have to say. ‘Awww,’ because he’s so pretty,” says Wilkerson who lives with Uno in Columbia, S.C. “He’s just a great dog. He’s a fun, happy dog who makes you smile all the time.” […]

Like any great champion, Uno has an ego. “He loves having his picture taken, he eats it up,” says Wilkerson. The more applause he receives in the ring, the more he woofs it up. “He loves to sit and bay at you and bark to let you know if you’re not paying attention to me, you need to be,” Wilkerson says. “He bays in the ring and has a good ol’ time and carries on.”

Terriers have Best in Show at Westminster 44 times, while Hounds have won only three times. So what are the chances of a humble hound finishing No. 1? “As good as any,” says Weichert. The Best in Show judge, J. Donald Jones, a former dean at Emory University, has awarded Uno top honor in another show and has named him No. 1 the group.

However, Uno faces formidable competition, including the nation’s No. 1 dog, a toy poodle named Vikki who was born in Japan and has a trash-talking (woofing?) music video of her own on YouTube, set to a U2 song. “More than 130,000 dogs defeated,” it declares at one point.

While a beagle has never won Best In Show, Uno is looking to make doggy history.  Look at that face…doesn’t he look like a big sweetie?

But I would like to take this opportunity to say that while many breeders are ethical and upright about what they do, and who care deeply about their animals, there are those who treat their animals as little more than dirt, and this isn’t directed at them.  The lives of the poor animals of those who are unethical about what they do, while being forced to breed and breed while living in squalid conditions, is truly heartbreaking.  So when it comes time for you to pick a forever furry friend, why not visit your local animal shelter?  So many animals in need of good homes there.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show airs tonight on USA and CNBC tonight, USA Tuesday night.

Does that title even make sense? It’s like a very “special” after school program or something.

HolyMoly is reporting repeat drug offender and Babyshambles member Pete Doherty was bitchslapped for refusing to buy drugs off of some local dealer. Here’s what they are saying happened:

The dealer reportedly said to him, “You should get your gear from me,” at the Sun Inn in Whiltshire before punching him in the face.

“It was horrible. Pete was really shaken up and upset. He had been enjoying a quiet pint on his own, just him and his cat, and went out to make a phone call.

“Pete has never seen this bloke before, he just attacked him for no reason.”

This is one of those stories that’s WAY too full of irony to be completely true. First of all, I have a hard time imagining Pete Doherty turning down drugs from any sort of shady cat, second of all, doesn’t Pete have a damn cell phone? I mean I know four-year olds with cell phones. Are you telling me international drug sniffers like Doherty can’t get a cell plan (do they call them telly-plans in the UK)?

And thirdly, what’s up with the cat? Is this the same cat he gets high on crack for fun? ‘Cuz I’d have thought that cat would either be dead, whoring itself out for some rocks, or wised up and run away?

Must be one of those 80’s new-wave “Stray Cats” looking for a fight.

Well, here’s one for Pete’s pussy:

Yes, GlossLip fans, I have been reduced to this:  Britney Spears purchased a goldfish over the weekend.

Should I just impale myself on the turkey carcass now and get it over with?  What a slow celeb news weekend this was…and let’s face it, it’s Monday morning, and articles about Brit just kind of write themselves.

It would seem that everybody’s favorite poptart was seen out and about this weekend at a Petco, where terrier London made his celebrated return to the spotlight and an unlucky goldfish was chosen to escape its life of three-second memory in a community tank at a pet store for a life being fed Cheeto crumbs at Brit’s house.  A week there and the fish will wish it was back at Petco, listening to kids bang on the glass and running into other goldfish that look just like him.

See, this is what I mean.  Did she just suddenly have this intense desire to take her 12-cylinder Mercedes to Petco, trailed by the pap circus, because she simply had to have a goldfish?  Doesn’t she have people who can do that?

There are also rumors that Brit will take Billy Ray Cyrus up on his offer of having her over for Thanksgiving.  Now there’s a meal I’d love to be a flower in the centerpiece for.  (Great, just typing that sentence has put “Achy Breaky Heart” into repeat play mode in my brain.  Fabulous.  Where’s that turkey carcass?)

Is it cruel to make a Death Pool for a goldfish?

If you haven’t seen Helen Mirren’s award-winning performance as Queen Elizabeth II in the movie, The Queen, go rent it now and watch it.  Right now.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

The five Corgis in the film, named Poppy, Anna, Alice, Oliver, and Megan (I believe only four were shown at a time), were awarded Top Dog honors at London’s inaugural Top Dog Film Festival:

“I know one should avoid acting with animals and children,” Mirren said. “But these little chaps were a pleasure to work with and deserve all the plaudits for their fine performances.”

The five Corgis, who were the monarch’s pets in the movie, were rewarded Sunday with a gong at London’s inaugural Fido Film Awards, which are part of the British Film Institute’s London Film Festival.

“The inaugural Fidos are a first in more ways than one: dogs have truly come in from the cold,” said Toby Rose, the event’s organizer. “Dogs take up considerable minutes of film time, but they never get a nod. Nodding to dogs is the way to go.”

The canine quintet’s success at the Fidos takes the tally of awards won by the movie to 59. In real life, Queen Elizabeth II has owned more than 30 Corgis during her 55-year reign.

The little dogs steal a couple of scenes in this movie with their unabashed cuteness.  But where are the awards for the Labs who were featured in hunting/stalking scenes at Balmoral?  Well, perhaps they were just stock.

Really, you should see this movie.  I rented this and Elizabeth I (also featuring Mirren) one weekend and had a royal good time.  Elizabeth I was a bit factually off, but an enjoyable movie nonetheless.  And besides, The Queen introduced me to the adorableness that is Michael Sheen.

The Smoking Gun today released the contents of several emails concerning Iggy the dog, who now has a new home.

They start with Portia emailing Marina on September 11 and updating her on Iggy’s progress, saying that he is “incredible” and that it was “hard to let him go” (to the trainer for training).  Iggy spent some time with a trainer and was neutered.

Next, Marina writes back and ask about Iggy on October 12.  Portia emailed back the next day and said that they tried very hard to work with Iggy but that it just wasn’t working out, due to there being too many workmen in and out, different employees every day, and all the things associated with moving.  She said that since the hairdresser expressed such a desire for Iggy, that they went ahead and gave the dog to her about two weeks earlier.  She said she wanted to ask Marina about changing his information, and that they had reached this decision after a lot of thought.

(If the trainer had Iggy for about nine days, as has been reported, and Portia and Ellen gave Iggy to Cheryl about two weeks before October 12, that would mean that Iggy had lived at Ellen’s home for about ten days, give or take…time to discover if the dog would fit in with her other pets.)

But wait, there’s more…