I’ll take Johnny Depp please!
Is that the way the clients of California Cryobank sperm bank order their baby makers?

Apparently the California Cryobank has come up with the idea of matching up their sperm donors with famous celebrity faces. Are they genius entrepreneurs helping their clients make a tough decision of who they should pick as their baby daddy? Or are they just trying to make more money than other sperm banks by claiming their donors are celebrity look alikes? Or both?

How does this sperm bank match their donor’s faces with celebrities? With high tech face-recognition? Nope!
Employees of Cryobank sit around a table and put the donor’s pictures up on a screen and argue which celebrity looks like that donor the most. When they come to a consensus, they add that information to the donor’s file, and then the donor’s name goes into a huge data bank. Clients can then search the data base for a donor by which celebrity they want their child to look like.

Although clients are not allowed to see the donor’s ACTUAL picture by law, clients can  search for a potential donor by picking out a celebrity name.

Too superficial?
How will the general public weigh in on this?

I wonder if someone will pass up a donor with a better IQ, for a donor that looks like Mario Lopez? I also wonder if people out there will pick a celebrity look alike in hopes on trying to cash in on their offspring down the line, especially if their child ends up as a dead ringer of a celebrity.

Hey Kate Gosselin, this has your name all over it! Only eight kids? What’s the big deal? The Duggars have you beat by a landslide! It can be your new show! “Kate Plus Eight Plus Elvis!”
And remember Kate, there is a plus side besides the new show…which ever donor you pick… he can’t take money out of your bank account! 

Now I have seen just about every way there is to make a buck in the ol’ USA, and a lot of it ain’t too pretty. And there are some wackos out there who may try to claim that their child is the child of an actual celebrity. I wouldn’t put it past them. Far fetched? Perhaps.

But take the case  of a women trying to collect millions from Keanu Reeves. She is claiming that he is the father of at least one of her four adult children.  *snicker*
Even though Reeves took a DNA test to prove that he wasn’t the father, and he also said he never met the women, she still isn’t backing off. 
What did Reeves have to say about this whole ordeal? 
Rest assured, he didn’t say, ”eeeeeexcellent!” *snicker*

Of course Cryobank does have a disclaimer to cover their butts in this overly litigious world:

“No celebrity is meant as an exact match for any donor, nor should you assume that your future children will look like any celebrity listed.”

NBC’s Today Show covered the sperm bank story, and on this video, you can see the employees sitting around a table with the donor’s picture on a screen and trying to figure out who the donors most resemble. Man, where do I sign up for this cream puff gig?

Scott Brown, communication manager of the California Cryobank said to NBC TODAY,

“It’s not that our donors look like celebrities, it’s that celebrities look like our donors,”

Oh! I see what he did there…. he is SO crafty!

You can also pick a young or older version of the celebrity too. Perhaps you would like a young Sean Connery as OO7, or the older more sophisticated Sean Connery. The choice is yours!

There are MANY stars as well as athletes listed in their data base. And let’s not forget musicians and the less than famous celebs. You can pick from Eddie Van Halen to Jackass reality star Stev-O!
I kid you not, he is on the list.
Wow, seriously…if anyone picks the Steve-O look alike, I am afraid I just don’t understand, unless he is a nuclear physicist.

 
So are there people out there opposed to this celebrity look alike baby daddy factory? YES.

Some snippets from NBC’s TODAY,

The program has its share of critics, especially in the bioethics world. University of Albany professor Bonnie Steinbock bashed California Cryobank’s celebrity-match program on CNN, saying, “There’s something strange about a culture that has stratified rigid types of beauty where everyone looks alike; now they’re trying to create children through who the actor of the moment is.”

Brown’s defense:

Not so, says Brown. While the process may seem superficial, it is actually extremely helpful in guiding prospective parents through a stressful and often confusing time, he asserts.

“Seem superficial”?
Some people would argue that it is superficial. But don’t people have the right to choose which donor they want for whatever reason, since they are the ones paying for it? And what if it does help the client make their choice?

Take the opinion of a perspective Mom who was trying to pick a donor:

“I’m flipping through the catalog with a friend of mine, feeling like I was about to recruit a basketball team, because it was just all stats.” And while she whittled down her list, the Cryobank couldn’t show her a picture of the donor — but it could tell her one of her finalists resembled Freddie Prinze Jr.
“For me, that clinched it right then and there,” she said. “I’ve always found him attractive!”

Freddie Prinze Jr.? Really? That clinched it for her? To each their own.

So matching a face to a donor may actually make some clients feel more at ease about who they pick, or actually help them to decide who to pick. I hope people have the good sense to pick donors with good qualities, rather than picking a donor because they like Orlando Bloom.
But then again, this is the land of the SUPER DUPER superficial, so nothing would surprise me.

I wonder if Cryobank’s business will be booming?

I can see it now…
Mothers with their kids are at the playground and one mother says to another,
“wow your little boy really looks like Leonardo DiCaprio! Any relation?” 

The proud Mom says, “Well no, it was donor #09756-QL5, we were really big fans of the movie Titanic, so that’s why we went with him”.

I guess if there is one guy who is a real dead ringer of a handsome celebrity, he will be in big demand and asked to come back quite often. There can be a panic at Cryobank if they run out!  What happens then?

It may go something like this:

“OMG! We are fresh out of the Ryan Reynolds look alike! Get 9087-K490L on the phone stat! Tell him we have some new vids and magazines! Yeah I know he has been in twice a day for the past month and he’s a bit tender… Chain him down again if you have to, until he puts out. We are in the baby making business people!”

MORE???

I guess in the long run it can become quite a lucrative and fun “job” if you are a celebrity look alike donor. What guy wouldn’t want this gig? At $50- $75 a pop, I am surprised that there is a job shortage for men in the US! Hell, they ain’t getting paid for doing it at home!

Tough luck for all you donors out there who look like Gary Busey (sorry Gary) or OJ Simpson. (not sorry OJ)

I imagine their “stuff” wouldn’t have too many takers and is probably passed up for the gloopus of a more hunkier looking celebrity look alike.

But things may not work out exactly the way you have planned. Even though you picked out your favorite celeb look alike, don’t forget there is a 50/50 chance that your child may be a girl and you may end up with a pretty scary looking child! And I am more than sure that Cryobank does not issue refunds for fuglies.

Very Scary Indeed!

I bet some clients just won’t really care if the donor they picked has only two brain cells….
Just as long as their celebrity knock off looks good in a tux!

One Biotch Replaced By Another

What’s wrong with The View?
It’s bad enough that they continue to have Ms.Thing, Elisabeth Hasselbeck on their show, who’s right wing, closed minded, bible thumping, anti gay rants have set me through the roof on several occasions, but to bring D-lister bozo, Kate Goselin on the show?
 
Gee… which idiotic biotch makes me feel like biting a tire more? Hasselbeck or Gosselin? It’s definitely a toss up. 

Hasselbeck has had MANY heated arguments with several panelists on The View over the years. Go Rosie!

One tiff involved Hasselbeck and Whoopi going at it over Hillary Clinton’s suggestion of having the US Government give each child a $5,000 saving bond at birth, and Hasselbeck’s reply was,

“it would lead to fewer abortions due to women wanting to keep the money”.

Sheer brilliance at its best!

Thankfully, Bush is out of the picture as well as Palin and John McCain, “The Maverick”, so we don’t have to hear Hasselbeck defending those morons. But that will be replaced by Kate Gosselin’s bitchdom. I hope Whoopi or Behar rips her a new one.

Kate Gosselin AND spineless ex-hubby Jon’s claim to fame was pimping out their kids for the almighty dollar. And don’t get me started on her hair which looks like she backed into a weed wacker. Is The View rewarding her for her bitchiness and kid pimping by hiring her for the show? Yes I believe they are.

Yeah, I know it’s all about the ratings, and I am sure they will have people tuning in so they can maybe catch a couple of cat fights between Behar and Kate for the couple of days she will be on, but I just dont agree with rewarding this person with MORE paid air time. Does she need more money to pay for yet another nanny to care for HER eight children while she’s off doing all these appearances? Does she have another phony crap book coming out? ”Multiple Bles8ings” indeed!

It’s bad enough that Kate was asked to be at the Marie Shriver’s Annual Woman’s Conference this October. Is this a wise candidate to attend this conference?

Well don’t forget Shriver did invite Scientology cultists Kelly Preston and John Travolta. But it has just been announced that they have since backed out and will not be attending due to it being too soon after their son Jett’s death.

I can’t decide whether Scientology would be glad or happy about this current announcement. Of course going public with grief if you are a Scientologists is a big no-no and VERY low on their Tone Scale. (0.5 out of 40). But maybe not talking about it is better in the eyes of the cult? Or perhaps by backing out and saying they are still healing is showing proof that Scientology’s tech and auditing simply don’t work? Well we all know what Scientology’s defense would be to their tech not working… they would say it’s John and Kelly’s fault and they “pulled it in”. Sad but true.
People Magazine reported that Kelly’s comment was:

 ”It is with my sincere apologies that I must pull out from speaking at the conference. I am sorry, but I truly believed that I could do it. Otherwise I never would have said that I could. But I am still deeply in the process of healing, and it’s just too soon.”

And what about Kate being asked to be Shriver’s Conference?  She is famous now for being a reality show bitch, and using her children to rake in the dough. Is Kate going to talk about how tough it is to go through a divorce when she in fact was a big  part of the problem? Let’s not forget that Shriver asked Kate to be on the forum because her daughters were fans of Jon and Kate Plus 8. I wonder if her daughters are still fans now, and if Shriver regrets inviting her? Nice move Shriver!

So between Kate Gosselin and Kelly Preston being asked to do the conference, I think Shriver must be losing her damn mind.

What gems of knowledge can Kate Gosselin offer to this Conference that would be worth a damn? Is she going to dare tell people how hard it is to raise her children? Even though she has nannies, maids and more help than you can shake a stick at? Why not invite a single mother trying to raise her kids and make ends meet who is on welfare to speak at the Conference? Not THAT is a real struggle. I am sure someone in that position would have a lot more advice to lend about coping with life.

I digress…
So back to The View. Perhaps Hasselbeck is not only busy making babies, (how many tots will this holy roller be pumping out?) but maybe she is also busy defending allegations of plagiarism in an upcoming lawsuit. You see she wrote a book (she suffers from celiac disease) a while back called The G-Diet, but Susan Hasset claims that Hassselbeck plagiarized her book, which was written a year earlier. Oh I can’t wait to see the outcome of this one. Hasselbeck’s daddy is a lawyer too, so will Dad be helping her out of this jam?

A snipette from US Magazine on Gosselin’s apperance :

The reality TV mom of eight will occupying the seat of regular co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who is out on maternity leave after giving birth to her third child, Isaiah, earlier this month.

The View has a lot of nerve asking the likes of Kate to fill in and I refuse to lists the dates she is going to be on. I can think of a lot of better suited candidates to fill in. Although I don’t consider their recent pick of having the Blagojevichs on the show a smart move either, to say the least. I am not going to open that can of (alleged) corrupt worms!

The thought of them paying Kate Gosselin who some people think is guilty of child abuse for what she put her kids through, to sit and chat about current events, is despicable. And paying the Blagojevichs? Totally maddening. Who’s next? Scott Peterson? How about OJ? Talk about ratings!
Sometimes you have to put ratings aside and decide you are not going to further slime ball’s careers.

At the very least, I guess some ”Viewers” will get a breather from Hasselbeck’s idiotic, whiny babbling for a bit. 
So to the prodcers of The View… SHAME ON YOU!

If you go to the Good Charlotte website, which I did just for this story (yeah, I took one for the team), your first impression is of a creepy-looking glittery skull, and then you realize that is just a decoration and not a photo of Joel Madden.  ZING!  Anyway…Joel took to his blog to announce that he and Nicole Richie are expecting another little bundle of joy:

What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now………

Wasn’t it just like last week that I was writing about the birth of Harlow?

Frenemy Paris Hilton is going to be soooooooooooo jealous.  All she can do is adopt and ignore puppies by the bucketloads, she has yet to pop out a real live human baby.  Harlow is so stinkin’ cute, and despite my initial reservations about the whole thing they all appear to be happy and having a good time.  But for the love of Lionel, marry the woman already!

Here’s to a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby!

By now I’m positive you’ve heard about Nadya Suleman, aka “The Octomom”, and her passel of fourteen children, eight of which have just been born and are still in the hospital.

The news reports about her have been flying fast and furious, ranging from telling us she had children because she grew up as a lonely only in a dysfunctional family (so did I, but I only have two), to her own mother ragging on her in the press because she is a single mom of all in vitro babies, to the fact that Nadya does receive welfare in the form of food stamps and disability payments for three of her children (who appear to be special needs kids of varying degrees) despite saying she didn’t, to the news that she’s lost her PR team, to speculation that she’s had plastic surgery to look more like fellow baby-hoarder Angelina Jolie, to rumors that she’s actually contacted Santa Angelina (who is creeped out by the whole thing…and if she’s creeped out you know it’s creepy)…well, you get the idea.  It’s making me nuts trying to keep up with it, which is probably why I haven’t reported on it myself before now (although Dawn has done a couple of passionate write-ups about it).

But the latest news on this family has me thinking.  Nadya, her parents, and all of the children soon may have no home to live in, because the one they have is currently being foreclosed on:

Nadya Suleman may be out on the streets with her 14 kids. TMZ has documents showing the house she’s living in could go on the auction block because the mortgage hasn’t been paid in 10 months.

According to documents filed earlier this month, OctoGrandma (who owns the house) hasn’t made any payments on her home since May, 2008 — she’s behind $23,224.98.

The mortgage company filed a “Notice of Default and Election to Sell Under Deed of Trust” on Feb 5. Translation: “Pay us now or we’re selling your home and kicking you, your daughter and her 14 kids out on the street.”

The house is owned by Angela Suleman, Nadya’s mother, and she hasn’t been able to make any payments since May 2008:

The house in which octuplet mom Nadya Suleman is already raising her other six children and will eventually bring her eight new children is in mortgage default, with the bank reporting that the family is $23,224 behind on payments, according to documents released Wednesday.

According to a “Notice of Default and Election to Sell Under Deed of Trust” obtained by TMZ.com, the Whittier home owned by Suleman’s mother, Angela, could go on the auction block by the end of the year.

According to the documents, Angela Suleman has made no payments on the house since last May.

Angela bought the home in March 2006 for $605,000, the New York Daily News reported. Her mortgage is $435,750.

Which makes me wonder…how does Nadya realistically expect to clothe, feed, and medically take care of fourteen children, three of whom already have special needs?  Do the math…she gave birth at the end of January and the payments haven’t been made since May.  That’s around nine months, which means the mortgage hasn’t been paid since before she received IVF (since the babies were preemies), and grandma has already said Nadya does not contribute to the financial needs of the home.  The octuplets are as of yet to be diagnosed with any sort of mental and/or physical disabilities, as they are probably too young to have any sort of accurate diagnosis made, but even if they are 100% healthy they will still need to have stuff like diapers and food:

Suleman, who is unmarried, unemployed and has no source of income, insisted in an interview with NBC that she would easily be able to afford the child care once she finished school, although she reportedly owes $50,000 in school loans.

The Los Angeles Times reported that even before she gave birth to the octuplets, Suleman was receiving $490 in monthly food stamps, and three of her children were receiving federal supplemental security income because they are disabled.

The octuplets’ grandmother said she devotes her monthly retirement check to helping support the kids.

“[The retirement check] goes every month,” she told the “Early Show” on Feb. 16. “It’s just gone. “

And Nadya’s supposed degree she’s supposedly going back to school for definitely isn’t going to stretch as far as she thinks it will:

Nadya Suleman has said she plans to return to college as soon as she can and eventually work in counseling. She also has indicated that she may rely on student loans to help support her children while they’re small.

These plans raised red flags for [Jean] Chatzky.

“The idea that she says, ‘I’m getting a degree, I’m going to go back to work, I’ll do it,’ ” Chatzky said. “The degree that she’s getting is going to provide her at most $60,000 a year. She can’t afford to pay for child care alone with her salary.”

Okay, I’m about to say something controversial.  You knew it was coming, so don’t look all surprised and stuff.

But wait, there’s more…

Good gravy.  I wasn’t sure about reporting this, but it’s everywhere.  Just when you think this bunch can’t possibly get any more dysfunctional, they go and exceed all expectations.  Word on the internets is that Jamie Lynn Spears, 17-year-old sister of Britney, who already has one infant at home, done oopsied and did it again (yeah, it’s so overused, but it’s so easy, and it’s early in the morning, folks):

Whoops – she did it again!  Teen Prego Queen Jamie Lynn Spears has another bun in the oven, The NATIONAL ENQUIRER is reporting exclusively – and her pals are begging her to abort.

In a blockbuster world exclusive, The ENQUIRER has learned that the 17-year-old Zoey 101 starlet  is now expecting for the second time – a mere three months after giving birth on June 19 to baby Maddie Briann.

Jamie’s desperate to keep the shock­ing news secret and some people close to her are urging Jamie Lynn to consider ending the pregnancy, sources say.

“Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source.  “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”

Too late.

You ask how in the world a young woman can possibly get preggers again that quick?  Well, let’s take a look at her backwoods reasoning:

“Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding,” said the close source. “She’d expected to have her period by early September.” A home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out, said the source.

Her mother Lynne was livid when she found out, divulged an insider.

Here’s a news flash for ya…OF COURSE YOU CAN GET PREGNANT WHILE YOU’RE BREASTFEEDING!  You know what they call people who use that line of reasoning?  Parents of more than one child!

Well, first, good on her for breastfeeding.  So at least she’s got that part right.  But what, realistically, are the chances of her getting pregnant while nursing little Maddie Briann?

In general, if your baby is under 6 months, you have not had a period and you are nursing frequently around the clock, chances are about 1 percent of you getting pregnant.

After you get a period or after your baby is 6 months old, your chances increase. Once your baby does not rely on you for all food and begins to nurse less, your body is more amenable to getting pregnant again.

So, slim, but not none.  Of course we don’t know specifics, but if Jamie Lynn isn’t nursing exclusively or has started to wean the baby onto some solid foods, and the baby isn’t nursing as much, it could happen that Jamie Lynn could get pregnant again.  But, it could happen anyway.  Every woman is different.

But there’s one of the problems…Jamie Lynn is not a woman, even though she has had sex and given birth.  Of course, this is my opinion, but she’s just seventeen…she’s still a teenager, not a woman.  Her body is still growing and changing.  Call me a prude if you want, but quite frankly, she’s got no business getting pregnant again, or even having sex at all for that matter.  She has not even gone ahead and married Casey Aldridge, Maddie’s father, and from most accounts it doesn’t look likely that she will (he’s been accused of cheating on her).  I’m not even sure she’s not still jailbait in some states.  She’s still a child herself, for cryin’ out loud!

Look, I realize that even in the best of families with the best intentions, things happen.  Doesn’t make them right, but they happen, and you deal with it the best you can.  But twice now?  Honestly, that doesn’t seem so much an “accident” as a cry for help.  This family has never been accused of being the most well-adjusted family.  Just a theory, but maybe Jamie Lynn just wants to settle down and be a mom and get out of the celeb rat race, and this is her way of doing it, whether consciously or subconsciously.  Wonder how much Lynne will try to get out of this baby’s pictorial?

Before anyone starts on me in the comments, I don’t hate Jamie Lynn.  I feel sorry for her.  With all her fame and money, she doesn’t seem to be happy.  You never see her smiling any more, not even with the baby.  I think she needs to stop having sex, focus on taking care of the baby she already has, and work on getting her smile back.

And lastly…it’s the Enquirer.  It’s about 50/50 on whether or not this is the truth.  I really hope it is not true, for all concerned.  Next they’ll be saying the father is Elvis and the baby is a green alien with three heads.  Ouch, epidural, stat!

According to “sources”, American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken’s boys do work, and he’s gonna be a daddy.  Oh, and the mom?  A 50-year-old record producer friend of Clay’s:

Here’s what we know. Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend. He lives at her home when he’s in L.A.

We’re told 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29.

We’re told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.

Uh.  Okayyyyy…

I really don’t have much to add to this story, except to wonder if he and Larry Birkhead will be getting their kids together for “playdates”.  Ain’t sayin’, just sayin’.

And you simply must see this photo over at dlisted.  It really, really makes you wonder about some people.  Yes, they are “mom jeans” personified.

Actress Halle Berry gave birth to a little girl on Sunday, and it seems mom and baby are doing well:

Halle Berry – who only recently said, “I want to stay pregnant forever” – had a baby girl Sunday and “is doing great,” her rep has confirmed.

The father is Gabriel Aubry. Berry, 41, and the 32-year-old model met while shooting a Versace ad in Los Angeles in November 2005 and first stepped out publicly together three months later at the February 2006 opening of a Versace boutique in New York City.

Berry first announced her pregnancy in September last year, when she was three months along.

Aww.  Best wishes to mom and baby!

I do have to wonder if Halle will be offered the millions usually extended to new celeb moms for “exclusive” pics of their newborns.  So far, we haven’t heard any rumors that she has, and what a refreshing change.

Of all the recent pregnant celebs, Halle comes out the winner…she hasn’t posed naked, she hasn’t talked about a zillion dollar nursery, and she certainly looked the hottest.

Leave it to La Vida Lopez to look glam and fashionable during the late stages of pregnancy with twins.  Jennifer says that she doesn’t dress down, even at home:

And while most moms-to-be stick to comfort wear, the always-glam Jennifer says sweats are not an option. “People make fun of me because when I do have them over to my house I do have a dress on,” she laughs. “I don’t like the way the sweats look with the extra weight. I like to feel good about myself even at home.” And while the singer won’t be able to wear any of Marchesa’s red carpet confections anytime soon, she does have her eye on a few special looks. But, Lopez admits “Right now the best thing I can do for myself, for my body is to keep resting which is not easy for me. I like keeping busy and it is very hard because if they say ‘be off your feet for four hours a day’, I’m like ‘oh, God!’ It’s hard.”

Well, okay…I can understand wanting to feel good about oneself, and if she doesn’t want to wear sweats or something like that in the privacy of her own home, then fine and dandy.  I mean, that’s not my personal cup of tea, because to my way of thinking any excuse for sweats is a good one, but whatever she is into, you know?

But I do want to take issue with those shoes.  Lately, pretty much every pregnant woman I’ve seen in fashion shots or pap photos has been wearing ridiculously high heels while in the late stages of pregnancy, and I personally think it’s ridiculous.  Stilettos and high heels throw off your balance, put undue pressure on parts of your feet that aren’t made for it, contort the feet into positions they weren’t made for, put a strain on your legs and back, and cause an unnatural walk.  Throw in the back-straining effects of pregnancy (in J-Lo’s case, with twins), the fact that being pregnant throws off your center of balance, add the very real threat of falling and possibly hurting oneself and the unborn child, and I think the case can be made that high heels and pregnancy do not go together.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like that pregnant women don’t walk around any more looking like tents in unfashionable clothes emblazoned with teddy bears and accompanied by stretch pants.  Being pregnant doesn’t mean your sense of style and wanting to feel womanly, even sexy, goes out the window.  But there’s a fine line between looking fashionable and being safe, and I’m sorry…stilettos and high heels are not safe for pregnant women.  Plus, if the doctor is telling her to be off her feet for four hours a day, he’s got a reason…I don’t think high heels are part of what the doctor ordered.  Don’t put fashion before safety, Jennifer.  Healthy babies are more important than looking fashionable.  She already looks amazing, she doesn’t need dangerous shoes.

 

I’ll admit I have only the vaguest idea of who Joel Madden is (sorry, I don’t listen to whatever music it is he plays), but I do know that he’s shacking up with Nicole Richie, and that they recently had a baby girl, the adorably-if-unwieldy-named Harlow Winter Kate Madden.  He recently rhapsodized about love and life and babies on his blog:

I swear it’s so hard to leave during the day, but always so rewarding to come home to the little family. I’ve always been a guy who loves to love.Probably one of the things that define me outside of my work is LOVE. I had no idea what love even was until Harlow came along.

Me and her mother feel like the luckiest two people alive right now. This time in our life has been amazing. We both look at our little girl every single moment everyday and know there is nothing we wouldn’t do to protect her and her perfect little innocence. It seems like you turn on the tv, or get online and its all bad news.

We dont want her to know any of that yet. I actually never want her to know any of the pain and suffering we see out in the world everyday,  or how harsh people can be as a result of it. Having this baby has really made me realize we all start out that way, then somewhere along the way something happens and people go one way or the other. But all started out sweet and innocent just like my little daughter. The world could really make you bitter if you let it, but thats where music, and art come in to save the day.

You’ve got to surround yourself with the things you love. The whole point to DCMA and this site is a bunch of us friends doing what we love, surrounding ourselves with positivity. I want my kid to grow up around that.

Well, okay, Joel.  I’ll accept that there’s just been a new baby come into your life, and it’s always wonderful to welcome a new, wanted, loved little life into the world.  So, as a seasoned veteran of the parenting wars, let me give you a little advice, okay?  It’s offered with the best of intentions, really.

First of all, if you want to protect her innocence, the first thing you need to do is get out of the Hollyweird, crazy, fakery-driven lifestyle that you and Nicole are smack in the middle of.  I applaud the fact that you quit smoking to protect the health of mama and baby, but there are more dangerous things to worry about than second-hand smoke.  Find a quiet place to live, preferably far from the glittering lights.  Keep Harlow out of the public eye as much as possible, and give her a chance to live a relatively normal life (as much as is possible with two famous parents).

Next, you’re going to have to realize that as much as you want to, you can’t protect her from knowing about the bad things that go on in the world.  In fact, as she gets older, it opens up opportunities for you to talk about how there are bad things that happen, but here’s how to appropriately handle it when they do, and here’s how to keep them from happening or how to keep her from participating in them herself.  Trying to shield her from all bad news will just bring up a child who has a warped view of the world, and when she finally does step out on her own she will be totally lost.  Music and art are nice, but it’s entirely too hippie-child to think they can “save the day”.  I’m a musician and artist myself, but even I know that, at best, they just make the day bearable.

Finally, keep Paris Hilton away from her.  I’m serious.  There’s nothing good Paris could possibly offer her, except to serve as an example of what NOT to do or what NOT to grow up to be like.  Seriously, look at Paris and think, “Will that be Harlow in sixteen years?”

That should be enough right there to scare you into a private cabin surrounded by razor wire on 100 acres in the middle of Wyoming.

Pamela “ma boobs are bigger than ma brain” Anderson is pregnant. I have no clue who the dad is, but it’s anyone’s guess at this point. According to TMZ, she’s not only pregnant, but is also going ahead with her divorce from third husband Rick Salomon. The couple were married in October and after 68 days of marriage Pam filed for divorce, only to retract her filing a couple days later stating she and Rick were “trying to work things out.”

Whatever, that poor kid is doomed, between Pammy’s hep C and Rick Salomon’s herpes the poor little baby doesn’t have a chance. Let’s pray for a miracle.

More importantly, didn’t Pam claim she was pregnant while married to Kid Rock and use this information to make him fly to Canada when she was filming that lame movie with Denise Richards, only to then lie and say she had a miscarriage/wasn’t pregnant to begin with or some such sh*t?

These people are such attention whores. And regular whores for that matter. How much you want to bet she isn’t even pregnant? Like a conception could possibly take place in a toxic waste dump!

Pam is one classy broad.