No, I’m serious. Britain’s Living TV is going to sign up Wonky herself to star in a show called Paris’ Pooches, where she will manage a pet grooming business in London:

The heiress is set to invade U.K. TV. Paris Hilton has reportedly signed a deal with a British channel to star in a dog-grooming show entitled “Paris’ Pooches.”

Hilton, 27, allegedly inked a deal with Living TV television channel to star in a series, in which she will manage a beauty parlor for dogs in Bond Street, London.

An insider tells Sunday Star newspaper, “The shop is perfect for Paris. It’s a subject she’s passionate about and it’s a way for her to break into U.K. TV.”

“Watching Paris act out her Los Angeles lifestyle, in which tiaras for Chihuahuas are of real importance, should be very entertaining. And she will no doubt be hitting the clubs and parties over here in the same way she does back home.”

Yes, I’m serious. The same woman who admits she collects pets like she collects purses, who was well over the limit on how many domestic animals she had within the Los Angeles city limits, and who refused to spay or neuter her animals or give away the puppies (because only big meanie poopyheads take babies away from their mommas), is going to have a show about pets.

Let’s revisit the list of Paris’ pet sins, shall we?

To Ellen DeGeneres, on why she has so many dogs:

Ellen: Seventeen? Why do you have so many dogs?

Paris: Cuz they keep having babies, and I feel bad to give them away, because I feel like if I had a baby and someone gave it away it would be mean, so I feel bad for my dogs.

Ellen: Paris, you have to spay and neuter your pets.

Paris: They all just got fixed.

Ellen: All of ‘em?

Paris: (pause) (unconvincingly) Yes.

Ellen: No. You’re lying again!

Paris: Two–two of them weren’t.

On a cat that was forgotten at a vet’s office:

TMZ has learned that Miss P adopted the puddy tat — which she named Prada — at the Kris Kelly Foundation last May, about a week before she headed to Lynwood Jail. After Paris was released, we’re told she knew she had to have Prada neutered, but didn’t get around to it until a few weeks ago, on January 30.

But here’s the problem — nobody came back for Prada! About a week later, Kris Kelly herself called Paris to find out what happened, but she still hasn’t heard back as to what to do with Paris’ pussy.

Paris’ people say this is nothing to meow about. The cat was to be dropped off to be neutered and then delivered to one of Paris’ peeps. That apparently hasn’t happened yet. But Kris tells us that it’s “a clear-cut case of abandonment” (no pun intended, we think) and has decided not to return the cat.

In 2004, listing the animals she can remember:

Yeah, I’m a big animal lover. Tinkerbell is my life. She comes with me everywhere. I also have a ferret named Dolce & Gabbana. Ferrets are illegal [in New York], but whatever. I just bought a bobcat yesterday. She’s a little girl. I have rats, snakes, and a bunch of other animals, too, like cats and an iguana.

And from 2007, another inventory of her collection:

Paris says, “My animals make me really happy.” When speaking about how many animals she has, the socialite says, “eleven dogs, three cats, three ferrets, two rabbits, and two monkeys.” Many of these animals are allowed to run free around her home according to Hilton.

She tells Elle that the monkeys and ferrets are kept at her ranch but, “the dogs and cats and bunnies run around my house. I have this guy, Eric, who’s like a zookeeper, and he’s with them all the time. He loves them, and I love them, too. But since I work a lot I’m not always home.”

In addition to the well known Chihuahuas, Tinkerbell and Bambi, Hilton owns a Rottweiler named Tyson and eight other dogs. In 2005, Hilton got in some trouble with animal authorities.

The first incident involved Hilton purchasing a kinkajou. The animal, Baby Luv had to be given up because it was illegal to be owned as a pet. The second instance involved Hilton attempting to own a baby kangaroo as a pet, which she purchased in Australia. She has also won numerous awards for being the worst pet owner on the planet.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…this woman is not an animal lover, she is an animal hoarder. She attaches human emotions to animals, she collects them as though they were things, she is convinced she is the only one who can truly love these animals, and by believing she is doing something so wonderful with these animals. All classic signs.

And she’s being rewarded for this behavior with a television show. Is this not a perfect example of what is so wrong and screwed up about the celeb lifestyle and those who pay to televise it? Besides, it’s pretty clear that “hitting the clubs and parties over here in the same way she does back home” is the real reason for the show. And are they serious, saying that tiaras for dogs are of “real importance”?

Makes me glad I have cats. Just try to put a tiara on a cat.

do not want!

Ice, Ice, Baby my arse! Wife beaters need a good swift kick to the teeth as far as I am concerned, and Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) is no exception. This is Robert’s second arrest for domestic abuse (he was arrested on similar charges in 2004) and that makes it a pattern, not an accident.

According to a report in the Palm Beach Post, Van Winkle went postal on his wife after she purchased a bedroom set:

Deputies arrived at their Wellington home around 7:15 p.m. to find the 40-year-old star, whose real name is Robert Van Winkle, on his motorcycle, two blocks from their home.

He started yelling at me for going out to buy a bedroom set. In front of my daughter,” she told a deputy, the arrest report says. “I’m sorry I can’t say any more until I talk to an attorney.”

Her husband, in turn, told deputies that he and his wife had been arguing since the previous day.

He said his wife is bipolar and takes medication but still has irrational and argumentative episodes and had thrown a picture frame from a rear balcony to the ground, where it shattered near him and their 8- and 10-year-old children.

He denied pushing his wife, the report says. He said he left on his motorcycle so they could cool down.

It’s not the first time he has been arrested in South Florida. In 2004, he was booked into the Broward County Jail on a domestic battery charge, records show.

In addition, a series of driving infractions - including driving with an expired license, driving 74 mph in a 45 mph zone and having illegally tinted car windows - culminated in a warrant for his arrest after he missed a court appearance.

He also was hit with $220 in impounding fees in 2004 when his pet wallaroo and goat escaped in Port St. Lucie and were picked up by animal control officers.

There’s likely more to this story than we are getting, and Mrs. Van Winkle may be a loose cannon herself, but there’s never an excuse to start slapping people around. Just walk away, call the cops, leave, whatever, but don’t start giving beatdowns in front of the kids.

Having witnessed the insane amount of anger which lurks in Vanilla Ice’s heart, it doesn’t surprise me to hear he can’t control himself. During his stint on the “Surreal Life” on VH1, he was often seen having angry meltdowns, including intimidating women on the show. What’s with all the anger people? First Artie Lange, now Vanilla Ice. It’s the recession, I blame the recession. Makes peeps loopy!

Denise Richards refuses to talk about her weight in front of her girls for fear it will set a bad example for them:

“I’ll never talk about weight around them,” the actress tells Shape magazine in its May issue. “And they’ll never hear me say, ‘Mommy’s feeling fat today.’ That kind of attitude just makes young girls grow up to be dissatisfied with their bodies.”

Instead, Richards says she tries to set an active example for her girls, Sam, 4, and Lola, 2.

“Working out is part of my life, not just an I-have-to-get-ready-for-a-photo-shoot thing,” she tells the magazine. “I exercise almost every day. The girls usually play in the workout room with me, so they’re learning by example.”

However, she has no problems whatsoever warping their psyches by pimping them out on her new reality TV show, using them to get ratings (and ultimately money in her pocket).

While I agree that we should present healthy body images to our daughters, and not constantly talk about how dissatisfied we are with this or that about ourselves, whoring out toddlers for the sole purpose of putting money in your own pocket probably isn’t the best thing for them either.  After all, these little girls are not of an age where they can consent to ruin their lives on their own.  Guess that’s where momma has to step in.

Remember…contact E!, tell them how disappointed you are that they are choosing to air this show, and boycott!

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Frazer says:2. “Very Paris. Black oh the black, black shoes, black gloves, black hat, love black to wear to hide the spare tires but to photograph– hate it.”

Lauren Conrad, or as we affectionately like to refer to her in the celeb gossip world, LC, has made a name for herself not just as a reality TV star, first on MTV’s Laguna Beach and then The Hills, but also as fashion designer.

As someone who watched the first generation of Laguna Beach: The Real O.C., I always saw Lauren as the more ambitious of the bunch, where early on she showed tremendous interest in fashion design and was responsible for setting up a charity fashion show to help victims of the mudslides which struck her hometown of Laguna Beach, CA.

Since then, she’s moved from the relative security of affluent LB to Hollywood Hills, a part of L.A that rests in the foothills overlooking the seedier side of the metropolitan area we refer to as “Hollywood.” The Hills and its cast have provided much fodder for us tabloid journalists, from the infamous battle between LC and her former best friend, Heidi Montag (girlfriend of the cad Spencer Pratt) to speculation of how much reality actual exists on the segments of the show, to Lauren’s own internship at Teen Vogue - talk about living life through a fish-eye lens!

In any case, what we do know is “real” is Lauren has launched her own line of wearable fashion for the youthful generation of Hollywood’s trendy set and anyone who wants to look like them, called appropriately: The Lauren Hill Collection.

As promised, we have exclusive photos from Lauren Conrad’s fashion show shot by none other than Getty Images photographer and photog to the stars, Frazer Harrison. Frazer kindly provided commentary on Lauren’s line and her first major fashion show. Very cool indeed!!!

More pics and commentary after the jump:

But wait, there’s more…

Well, not to quibble, but yes, Dina…you do have a choice.  However, I don’t expect you to make the “Responsible Caring Nurturing Parent Who Doesn’t Whore Their Children Out To The Spotlight” choice.  Really, it would destroy all the preconceived notions I have about you.

Pimp Mama ShizLoLo talked about the upcoming reality show featuring her “other” daughter, Ali (oh yeah, and Mama will be in it, too, did you expect anything less?):

Dina, 45, tells PageSix.com that they decided to do a reality show because, “… we have no choice. Tabloids and reality shows are not going away. If they know who Ali is as a person, it’s better.” […]

Although Lindsay may be making a few cameos on the show, Dina insists, “Lindsay has her own career. It’s about Ali.”

Last month, Ali told Teen Vogue, “I grew up watching Lindsay. It made me want to do what she does… I want it so bad. So bad you don’t even know.”

Although big sis Lindsay has been through the Hollywood ringer this year, Ali has no reservations about being in the spotlight, telling PageSix.com, “I’m so excited.”

In fact, the Mean Girls star had some advice for little sister Ali. Ali tells PageSix.com that Lindsay told her, “Stay strong. Don’t let rumors tear you apart. Don’t let anybody bring you down.”

That’s the same kind of generic crap we used to write in our friends’ high school yearbooks.  Can’t she come up with something better than a line stolen off a lucite keychain at All For $1?

I thought perhaps Dina would have learned to keep her children out of the spotlight after observing what happened to her eldest child, but then I remembered it was Dina Whoreherchildrenoutasfastasshecanhan, and my sanity returned, as if somebody suddenly dopeslapped me hard on the back of the head.  Which is exactly what Dina needs.

Once Ali’s usefulness to Dina is exhausted (as Lindsay’s is), wonder if she’ll start in on the boys?  My guess is they wouldn’t look as good in a topless photoshoot.  But seriously…if Ali became an adult and then decided she wanted to pursue an acting career, then she could go for it and it would be a totally different thing.  But the girl is fourteen years old!  Whatever happened to, “No!”?

Oh wait.

Lots of Paris Hilton news, so let’s get caught up.  First of all, she’s on the prowl to find a new friend…you know, someone she considers fat or ugly so she can stand beside them and look hot:

“The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend,” a source tells Usmagazine.com. “Paris is tired of the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust.”

The untitled project – expected to be picked up by either MTV or VH1 – will be her second foray in reality television. Hilton’s The Simple Life, costarring pal Nicole Richie, aired from 2003 to 2007.

The new show is “going to be full of good chick drama and you will see a side of Paris not seen on Simple Life,” the source tells Us.

So much material, so little writing space to appropriately fit it all in.  First, I’m sure she’s totally going to find someone “new” and “cool” who is completely trustworthy by using a reality TV show.  Because, you know, people are so totally honest and real when they go on reality TV.  They never do anything like make stuff up or lie about themselves.  And I’m not sure there is a side of Paris we haven’t seen, thanks to Rick Salomon and her own pantyless escapades.

Plus, all you Paris-wannabees, how pathetic is it that she has to use a reality TV show to find herself a new friend?  Oh wait…it’s not about friendship, it’s about money.  Forgot myself for a moment there.

Next, she has looked a bit closer to home to try and find luck in the romance department:

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden are officially a thing, meaning if all goes well, Paris and Nicole Richie could be … sister-in-laws. And you thought the Manson family was scary. […]

Sources close to the situation tell TMZ, “They are dating for sure,” and that they actually met a while back but were in other relationships at the time. “It was all about the timing,” we’re told.

Apparently Paris and What’s-His-Name (hereafter to be known as “The Nottie and the Nottie”) were spotted at Home Nightclub in St. Louis danc–wait, St. Louis?  Missouri?  Paris knows where that is?

The last time I checked, once Paris gets a man in her life the girlfriend thing goes out the window.  Hope any of the potential Paris beeffeffs don’t plan on getting too chummy.

And animal-hoarding Paris was spotted out at a controversial pet store.  Yes, Pets of Bel Air, the pet place linked to a puppy mill and supplier to people like Paris and Britney Spears and Denise “Thumbody’s tampered wit da bawwwwwwwmb” Richards and Robin Williams (what?  Yep), was graced with the presence of Nottie and Nottie on Monday.  Like Paris needs any more pets.  What she needs to do is get rid of most of the ones she already has…you know, the ones she’s never home to take care of and that she let breed irresponsibly.

Okay, my fingers are officially revolting against writing anything else about her, so I’d better stop before they jump off my hands and run aw

Yesterday, as most of the United States watched Eli Manning and the New York Giants take down Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, New Orleans (any more “New” names?  Okay then, we can continue) took time out to have a parade, and guess who reigned as Bacchus?

Do you know what it means to be king in Orleans? Hulk Hogan, named King Bacchus by the Carnival group that first brought celebrities to lead their parades, said Friday that he was just starting to. 

“This is better than winning the World Wrestling Federation championship and slamming Andre the Giant!” he told a small crowd of patients, parents, doctors and other employees in a parking lot outside Children’s Hospital. “It’s just now hitting me how big this is and what an honor it is.”

He styled next to a huge plaque naming him Bacchus, god of wine and mirth, held up by krewe captain Owen “Pip” Brennan. […]

Each year the Krewe of Bacchus’ celebrity king visits Children’s Hospital to meet the patients. In a statement released Tuesday by Bacchus officials, the celebrity wrestler said one reason he accepted the offer to lead this year’s parade was Bacchus’ relationship with the hospital.

Well.  Isn’t that nice.  He can do good things for children in the hospital (and let me say that I in no way am belittling visiting children in the hospital), but he can’t take care of his own children or help them grow up to do things like, oh I don’t now, accept personal responsibility?  Or perhaps not supply alcohol to a party that teenage son Nick was at the day of his accident which put his friend, Marine John Graziano, in the hospital with life-threatening injuries?  You know the accident where Nick was found to have alcohol in his bloodstream?  (Now, before anyone jumps my butt, I didn’t say Hulk gave his son a beer, just that he supplied alcohol to a party that his son was at.  Any other conclusions, you’ll have to draw yourself.  You see, I have to say these things so that certain people can have what I did and did not say made clear to them.)

Chairman of the Crewe of Bacchus King Committee Michael Hunt (yeah, if I had that name I would want to be called “Michael”, too) defended his choice of 1980’s has-been wrestler and drunken-driver-father as its celebrity monarch:

Hunt is clearly frustrated with the knee-jerk criticism of the selection.

“People don’t know what goes into the process,” Hunt said. “We don’t sit around toasting marshmallows. It’s a very exact science.”

Hunt explained that he and a group of advisers begin by throwing celebrity names around. Then, he said, “as arrogant as it sounds, I deem if they’re worthy.” […]

Hunt wishes the public would trust his selection instincts. He points out that last year he presented TV mobster James Gandolfini at the height of his popularity. Though, he cryptically recalled, Gandolfini “did what most people should never do: believe that they are the god of wine.”

Hunt views the controversy surrounding his selection of Hogan as a perverse plus.

“Running Hulk Hogan is the perfect choice because it incites controversy,” he said. “Controversy isn’t always bad.”

Look up “irony” in the dictionary and you’ll find this.

According to Janet Charlton, Hugh Hefner and one of his…um…well, Holly Madison visited a fertility clinic in hopes of continuing the Hefner bloodline:

Holly has been rhapsodizing about motherhood for the last two seasons on the show and she brings it up every chance she gets. Hef was against it at first, but eventually he started to weaken to the idea (keep in mind this would be his THIRD family) because Holly was so desperate to be a mother. Recently, Holly and Hef were seen in the waiting room of a Beverly Hills gynecologist who specializes in in vitro fertilization.

Okay.  I’m about to get controversial, so hold on to your shorts.

I’m not saying Holly shouldn’t have a chance to be a mother (although my views on celeb parenthood are pretty well-known by now…have a kid, drop out of sight for eighteen years and raise them out of the limelight so as not to screw them up too badly with the Hollyweird lifestyle coughbritneylindsayparis…you can always screw them up with your own special brand of crazazy, though, people with no money OR silicone chesticles have been doing that for years, where there’s a will there’s a way), but there are thousands of children waiting to be adopted who need good homes.  Now, I realize I’m equating “good homes” and “Playboy mansion”, but just because she’s a silicone-filled airheaded bottle-blonde poptart doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be a good mom.  And I know the adoption process can be lengthy, difficult, and expensive, but what else does she do with her days?  Put that money of Hef’s to good use for a change and adopt a child or two or three who really need good homes.

And I don’t think dad would be a hands-on type of father….I can’t see him getting up at 2 AM for diaper changes or having a mini tea party or taking Junior outside for a game of catch, so the kid might be safe from his influence.  Besides, how much longer is Hef going to be around, anyway?  She’d better be ready to be a single parent.

Listen to me.  Like any kid she comes into contact with is going to have any sort of normal upbringing.  Lesson for all you young things…one day you’ll want to reproduce, so live your life in such a way that you don’t have to run and hide the evidence when your kid asks you what you do for a living….listen to me again.  Like she would be embarrassed.  I’m going back to the real world now.

Trouble is striking our young female celebrities from the A-List to the D-List. As the nation is gripped with the latest crisis to strike popstar Britney Spears, it would be easy to forget a troubled runner-up on America’s favorite pastime, Fox’s American Idol.

Jessica Sierra, a contestant on Season Four of AI is no stranger to trouble with the law. Sierra’s first brush with the law occurred at a Florida bar when she got into an argument with a fellow patron and threw a glass at his head, which required stitches. While being processed, police found cocaine in Jessica’s purse and she was then charged with possession. Jessica had been placed on a year-long probation in that case, and was already signed up for a reality series hosted by Dr. Drew Pinsky (of Lovelines fame) called Celebrity Rehab for none other than, Vh1.

Within two weeks of being placed on probation, Jessica once again found herself in trouble back in Florida. This time she was thrown out of a club for being drunken and disorderly only to try and fight her way back in. Police were called, and the now infamous encounter occurred which she not only struck a police officer, but vomited in their cruiser and offered sex in exchange for them freeing her, as well as, hurling some ethnic slurs. Needless to say, this did not sit well with the judge and Jessica has been sitting in a Florida jail since her Dec. 1 arrest.

During her incarceration a couple other pieces of bad news have popped up, including Jessica revealing she is pregnant, as well as, a sex tape has been made public. Honestly, it’s kind of hard not to feel sorry for someone when they have this much going against them. Her father, Joseph Sierra summed it up pretty well:

“She’s in jail and she’s pregnant, you know. What else can go wrong?”

Fortunately, there is at least one person in Jessica’s corner, Dr. Drew Pinsky. Dr. Pinksy, the host and mentor for those booked on his new celeb reality show, flew to Florida to testify and plead on behalf of Jessica for the judge to allow her to be sent to an extended stay in rehab over what would be a difficult jail sentence while pregnant. The judge in the case, Daniel Perry, reluctantly agreed, though with a cautionary warning:

“I don’t want her getting interviewed. I don’t want her on TV. I’m over that,” Judge Perry also issued Jessica a direct warning, “Either you finish it on your first try or you are going to prison. Stay out of Ybor City.”

Judge Perry also extended her probation to three years to begin after her year-long rehab stint. Sheesh, let’s hope she shapes up for the sake of her baby.

It would seem, from Riley Giles’ MySpace, that he and Lindsay are less than impressed with momager Dina’s request that they be on her new reality show:

In a bulletin posted Monday, snowboarding stud Riley reveals — in typically oblique fashion — that he and Lindsay were asked to be part of the show, but has this to say:

“ADVICE OF THE WEEK: if your a mom, with 4 kids, the best thing u can do for them right now is have a reality show. WE. DO. NOT. WANT. she had the nerve to ask us to be on. no thanks!”

Youch.

HMM.  I wonder just how much of the deal with E! concerned Dina’s ability to get Lindsay on the show?  And I wonder how much of the deal is now in the dumper because of Lindsay’s supposed refusal to be whored out participate?

Perhaps those rumors of trouble between Lindsay and Dina have more truth to them than was originally thought.  You haven’t seem them together lately, have you?  Usually Dina is all over Lindsay, but I haven’t seen them together since before Lindsay checked into Cirque.