A liar and a whore

Well, well, well. It seems the news is out about John Edwards’ paternal obligations to his former mistress and her 18-month old daughter. Which as far as I am concerned, was a big FAT DUH!

I remember when John Edwards was a fresh face to the democratic party and a potential hopeful to the White House. John’s wife Elizabeth has suffered more than her share of tragedy, from losing her beloved old son Wade in 1996 to a diagnosis of breast cancer, remission and then having her cancer come back with a vengeance. It was during this second bout of stage 4 cancer, that John Edwards chose to carry on an affair, and impregnate apparently, with a woman whose opening line to John was “You’re hot.”

More on the philandering, LYING, asswipe Edwards from CBS:

Former North Carolina Senator and Democratic Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards is expected to admit that he is the father of the 18-month-old daughter of former mistress Rielle Hunter, sources tell CBS affiliate WRAL.

Edwards acknowledged the affair last summer but has previously denied that he fathered the child, whose name is Frances.

As WRAL notes, longtime Edwards aide Andrew Young initially claimed paternity but is now writing a book in which he will say Edwards is the girl’s actual father.

Hunter testified last week at the federal courthouse where a grand jury is investigating whether campaign funds were illegally used to buy her silence.

The sources told WRAL Edwards could acknowledge paternity before the investigation concludes.

I am a firm believer that there is place in Hell reserved especially for the most flagrant of wrong-doers. John likely has a bronze plaque awaiting his arrival. It’s not so much the cheating or the impregnating, as it is his timing and lying. When you turn your back on your dying spouse and the mother of your children when she needs you most, you REALLY, REALLY are the scum of the earth.

As for you Rielle, you are a vile, opportunistic piece of trash. I hope both of you enjoy your extra warm eternal vacation in the afterlife.

Madonna’s Smirk Says It All

I promised myself I wouldn’t write about Madonna, ’cause she just makes me retch, but sometimes you must break your own rules in the interest of the public.

I could never stand Ms. Phony Pants, right down to the way she speaks. Despite her preposterously pretentious name, was one of six kids born in Bay City Michigan for Heaven’s sake. Her father was Italian and her Mom French Canadian, so I don’t have a clue where she came up with that lame accent — likely the same Fantasy Land she also lives in.

So as much as I try to ignore her, I couldn’t resist poking fun at her shacking up with Jesus…Jesus Luz that is. Jesus is a 22-year old Brazilian model who has been seen all over the place with Madonna including a trip to Madrid, touring the Prado Museum and the Royal Palace.

Back in March of 2009, Madonna and Jesus appeared in a steamy 46-page photo shoot in W Magazine which showed her frolicking in a hotel bed with Jesus. He has his name tattooed on his back, perhaps, just in case he forgets it. Or maybe in case Madonna forgets it. I also noticed she was wearing a cross around her neck in some of the shots. Perfect!

But hey, Madonna is a walking contradiction. Do you remember when said she didn’t want her children watching TV? I guess she forgot it was the early MTV’s videos on which put her on the map to stardom. If kids were not allowed to watch TV back in the 80’s, maybe Madonna would still be in Bay City Michigan. Ahhh…wistful thinking

So I guess TV is out, but boy toys and steamy photo shoots are ok? Not to mention all the other questionable crap she has done after she had kids. Her last photo shoot for her 11th album “Hard Candy” was certainly a trip to Sluttown. She even named her tour Sticky and Sweet.  What is up with all these sexual innuendos?  Does Madoona still think this is hot? It may have worked in her younger years, but now, it’s getting sad and the time has come to put that thang away.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a prude in any sense. But when you have children involved, it gets to a point were you just have to grow up and get some class girl. How can someone write childrens book and then go out on stage and hump a guitar? What are her kids going through? I can just hear one of her daughter’s friends: “Hey Lourdes! (ugh, hate the name) your Mom can really hump a mean guitar!”

From Sean Pean, to Dennis Rodman, to porn star Tony Ward to Guy Ritchie, and asking David Letterman to smell her underwear on TELEVISON (maybe that’s why she didn’t want her kids watching Mommy on TV) to kissing Britney Spears, and now a boytoy named Jesus? We get it Madonna, you are SO shocking. *Yawn*

As much as we wish Madonna would embrace her 50’s with class and dignity, it looks like this cougar is just getting started. In fact, Madonna may be the ultimate cougar, with 28 years between she and her latest sex-toy Jesus, putting Demi Moore to shame, with only 15 years between she and her hubby Ashton Kutcher.

And at the risk of getting nasty comments suggesting if Madonna were a man, nobody would say anything about her newest boy toy, you’d be WRONG. While part of me says, get it while you can, and the other part of me just says ewwwwwww because well…were talking about Madonna, and for some reason, she just seems a bit long in the tooth to be pulling her “Like A Virgin” routine. Again. And again.

Come Here Jesus And Give Mommy Some Sugar

It’s anyone’s guess what Madonna will come up with next, or who she will be “frolicking” with, but I only hope for her kid’s sake that she decides to clean it up a bit. With two African adoptions under her belt, her attentions are elsewhere. So THANK YOU JESUS…Jesus Luz that is.

HolyUnderAge Sluts Batman!

Perhaps you remember a while back a story running in the British tabloids about a baby-faced 13-year old boy named Alfie Patten. Little Alfie was supposed to be the father of brand spanking new baby birthed by his 15-year old girlfriend Chantelle.

Possessing an unnaturally youthful face, innocent-looking Alfie became the poster child for the woes of teen pregnancy. I remember being shocked that someone who looks barely a year older than my five-year old could have not only engaged in adult activities, but was even physically mature enough to impregnate his significantly more mature girlfriend.

Well I have good news folks, Alfie’s not the daddy. Bad news, this is NOT the outcome the little guy had hoped for. Alfie had cheerfully stepped up to the plate to take on the important role of father to Maisie, the little girl he thought was his daughter. Here’s more on the tawdry and sad story:

A DNA test showed a 13-year-old boy in Britain is not the father of a baby born to a 15-year-old he had unprotected sex with once, The Mirror reported.

Chantelle Stedman told Alfie Patten, who was 12 when he slept with her, he was her newborn daughter Maisie’s father.

The story caused a worldwide media frenzy, while politicians criticized what they called Britain’s declining morals.

At first Stedman said Patten was the only boy she had ever slept with, but soon after other teens came forward saying they too could be the baby’s father, because they claimed to have had sex with the girl.

Last month a friend of the Stedman family claimed Patten was scammed by the girl’s parents who wanted to cash in on the sensational story.

It is still not clear who the baby’s father is.

The parents of Chantelle get a capital C for CLASSY. Yep, this is what you call a smooth move by a couple of grade A asswipes. It’s not bad enough your 15-year old daughter is pregnant and so disturbingly promiscuous she doesn’t have a farkling clue WHO the father is, but you then go and compound the situation by bringing an innocent boy and the media into it simply for a little scratch.

Well Stedmans, great job, you have really outdone yourselves in the rotten douchebags department. I sure hope Alfie and his family don’t sue the hell out of you (re: I HOPE THEY SUE YOU, YOU GREEDY BASTARDS).

Alfie, take some advice from me: dry your eyes, blow your nose and cut your losses. You dodged one seriously UGLY bullet right there. Now, go outside and play some soccer or whatever it is little boys in the UK do besides having sex with sketchy older girls.

According to reports, and now video footage, famous homewrecker and child hoarder Angelina Jolie showed her true spirit at VH1’s Critic’s Choice Awards.

Apparently, Angelina, regressing to former bad girl behavior, was none too impressed she lost out to the younger and better actress Anne Hathaway for her performance in Rachel Getting Married, who shared her Best Actress award with her idol and legendary actress Meryl Streep. Glosslip reader Rachel first alerted us to the FoxNews report on Angie’s reaction to Anne’s win, and they weren’t holding anything back:

Anne Hathaway couldn’t hold back the rambling and tears as she received the dual honor of Best Actress (along with “Doubt” actress Meryl Streep) for her performance in “Rachel Getting Married” at Thursday night’s VH1 Critics Choice Awards. But one lady who looked less-than-impressed was fellow nominee Angelina Jolie.

As Hathaway gushed about how thrilling it was to win something with her “idol” Streep, the cameras caught Jolie (twice) with such a severe scowl it caused quite the gasp backstage.

Let’s put it this way: if looks could kill, Hathaway would definitely be dead.

“Angelina didn’t say much for the rest of the night,” an eyewitness told Tarts. “She was all smiles before the announcement, and it was clear she wasn’t happy.”

For a the world’s highest-paid actress, one would think Jolie would have found it an appropriate time to use her skills to hide those feelings of disappointment.

In Angie’s defense, Anne’s speech was REALLY LOOOOONG, and kind of annoying, but it was definitely earnest and sincere. There’s something very sweet and genuine about a well-known star being nervous, excited and taken aback about winning an award, so congrats to Anne.

Back to Angie, so the anointed one was making grumpy faces during Anne’s speech, and like we said, it could be from disappointment at losing to someone as affable and effervescent as Anne, or because Anne’s speech was kind of goofy, but either way, she looked like a straight up biznatch. Hardly a shock there. To add more fuel to the fire, apparently partner and baby-daddy Brad Pitt’s hands weren’t only used for clapping, and those close to their table were treated to some old school Angie action, with Pitt and Jolie making out, which included Brad slipping his hand up Angie’s dress. Classss-y!

So when you think about it, this is all a normal night for Ms. Jolie. Get nominated, lose, scowl at competition, gratuitous display of affection and some slut action to drive the point home. Congrats Anne, and welcome back to the real Angelina Jolie!

Justin Gaston, an underwear model is dating Miley Cyrus, who is apparently an underwear model in training. Gaston is 20 while Miley, star of Disney’s tween show Hannah Montana, is 15. I was pretty concerned about this relationship and the age difference, but after seeing these pictures, ehh, what’s to worry about? Clearly this guy’s mental age is in the 12-year old range.

Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley’s father, seems to have lost his way in his parental responsibility and continues to show poor judgment in regards to his daughter. Not only has he done nothing about the continuous leaks of Miley doing her own amateur underwear modeling, but he even participated in the promoting of his daughter in scandalous photos and questionable decisions.

And of course, he totally approves of Miley’s new boyfriend, the 20-year old underwear model, Justin Gaston. From the SFGate:

Miley Cyrus’ protective father, Billy Ray, has given the pop star’s “guy pal” Justin Gaston the seal of.

The 15-year-old has been linked to 20-year-old Gaston — a former contestant on reality TV show “Nashville Star” — for several weeks, and he joined her dad onstage to perform at Miley’s Disneyland party on Sunday.

All parties have denied Gaston is romancing the underage star, but he has won over Billy Ray.

He tells “Access Hollywood,” “He actually reminds me a lot of myself when I was 20 years old and I was living and searching for the dream.

“He’s got a great heart and soul, and a lot of determination. I think that’s the true measure of a man, is when you measure his heart.”

Was that supposed to be irony describing Billy Ray as “protective”? It wasn’t lost on me.

As for the “true measure of a man,” it could also be said that it can be found in how well a man looks after his precious children, and in this case I’d say Billy Ray Cyrus falls in the “very small, flacid” range. If I ain’t being too subtle.

Hollywood is like a the Bermuda Triangle, people enter with decent morals and good intentions only to get sucked into a magical vortex of senseless whoring and depravity.

Oh, and clearly the Disney Channel is run by the devil.

Look, I’m a woman, and I know what Lindsay’s doing with her eyes.  That is one intense look and it has nothing to do with Cinco de Mayo or Hold The Mayo or Pass The Miracle Whip (okay, maybe the last one, a little bit, as long as you aren’t out in the sun):

Lauren [Conrad] and Lo looked particularly sloppy and Lindsay, well….rumor is that she was trying to cozy up to Joel [Madden], despite having her weird non-girlfriend Samantha Ronson by her side.

Good night.  Is there anything walking with a penis that Lindsay won’t try to bonk?  Never mind that Joel is supposedly in a committed relationship with Nicole Ritchie and that he has a new baby at home…this girl is honing in on her prey.  I just hope he’s got some Germ-X in his pocket before he takes something home to Harlow.  Don’t let Nicole see this pic…she’ll kick his butt and then not eat for a month.  (No, I’m not trying to be mean.)

And shame all over Joel for ever allowing himself to get in that situation to start with.  He should know better than that.  Of course, it is Lindsay…I guess the alluring, musky scent of fake tanner and cigarettes is just too much for any red-blooded male to overcome.  So can he really be blamed for that goofy look on his face?  He’s just a man.  Just a mortal man.

I’ll bet “Top Mom“ Dina is so proud right now.  Happy Mother’s Day!

Pamela “ma boobs are bigger than ma brain” Anderson is pregnant. I have no clue who the dad is, but it’s anyone’s guess at this point. According to TMZ, she’s not only pregnant, but is also going ahead with her divorce from third husband Rick Salomon. The couple were married in October and after 68 days of marriage Pam filed for divorce, only to retract her filing a couple days later stating she and Rick were “trying to work things out.”

Whatever, that poor kid is doomed, between Pammy’s hep C and Rick Salomon’s herpes the poor little baby doesn’t have a chance. Let’s pray for a miracle.

More importantly, didn’t Pam claim she was pregnant while married to Kid Rock and use this information to make him fly to Canada when she was filming that lame movie with Denise Richards, only to then lie and say she had a miscarriage/wasn’t pregnant to begin with or some such sh*t?

These people are such attention whores. And regular whores for that matter. How much you want to bet she isn’t even pregnant? Like a conception could possibly take place in a toxic waste dump!

Pam is one classy broad.

I can not express how disappointed, yet in awe, I am of Lindsay Lohan.

It is not easy finding nice things to say about her. Yet, I dug deep, deep, deep within my greatest reserves of goodwill and largess and said she had “talent” and was far less useless than say a whore like Paris Hilton, or that crazy loon Britney Spears. This was a real gesture of my own magnanimity, and how does this trollop repay me? By making ME look like an ass.

Yes, it is all about me.

Anyway, Lindsay was in Italy over the weekend to accept some kind of made-up award at the Capri Film Festival. She was joined by that little cheerleader from Heroes Hayden Pantyhose and while there, it seems Lindsay found herself some hot Italian sausages.

Now before I go any further, I have to share some insider information with you. Italian men (men from Italy) will hump a dead cat. No really, that’s how they roll. They are testosterone laden freaks who harass women on the street in packs or as individuals. Old Italian men, or little Italian boys — they are all the same, driven to sex up anything female. That said, I like Italian men and their indiscriminate need to try and mate with anyone. To them, Lindsay must have seemed like some kind of goddess from the land of horny sluts, open to their salacious advances and turning none away, regardless of inappropriate levels of body hair or stomach fat.

Ok, back to the story. Lindsay hooked up (or at least kissed) Italian waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio on Friday night, an then on Saturday actor Eduardo Costa, an older gentlemen whom she flirted and kissed, only to move on to Dario Faiella, yet another actor. She must have found what she was looking for in Faiella, as he got the grand prize. And likely, an STD.

Lindsay is pictured above with Faiella in what appears to be an awkward and most likely embarrassing post-coitus moment.

There are other rumors Lindsay spent somewhere near $700 on liquor over the weekend, and well, that may explain her amorous endeavors.

I am not sure whether to chastise her, or give her high fives for single-handedly redefining the feminist movement. I think a compromise is in order.

WooHoo Lindsay, way to go, you brazen, cheap harlot!!!! SLUT. IT. UP!!!

I don’t know who this Shauna Sands person is, but I saw this grim picture of a *mom* with her daughters out in public dressed like a hooker.

I have kids, I know it’s shocking, and I can tell you my oldest (and youngest for that matter) would NEVER let me out of the house dressed like a cheap prostitute. Both are under eight years of age and even in their youthful immaturity they would be able to recognize an absolutely embarrassing ensemble like this Shauna Sands person is wearing.

TMZ says she’s a Playgirl model. Is that a euphemism for “whore,” ‘cuz if it is, that’s a new one to me.

Gawd woman, dress like a decent human being when you are out with your kids. What kind of lecherous old pervs are you hoping to attract? Those shoes scream “I dance on tabletops for a living and let sweaty, lonely men put dollars in my panties.”

*rolls eyes*

I realize that Paris probably thinks she looks sexy in this Alice and Wonderland get-up, but if you look again, you can see Marilyn Manson trying to claw his way out of her diseased body. Come to think of it, those two would make a great couple: the Prince of Darkness and the Heiress of Whoreville.

More of Paris being an ass after the jump. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
But wait, there’s more…