Looks like Spencer and Heidi have put a hold on their honeymoonin’.

Spencer Pratt aka Speidi (hate conjoined names with a passion) was interviewed by Pop Wrap of the NY  Post, and happened to mention that he hasn’t been gettin’ any from his wifey-poo because he is a fraid of her becoming pregnant. He is preventing Heidi’s dream of becoming a mother by refusing her sex. Oh Spencer, you are a side splitter!

He says that Heidi has him ”debating whether to cut off his nuts”. Considering there isn’t much to cut off in the first place Spence, I am sure there are many people standing in line who would be willing to do that for you.

Apparently, Spencer is mortified of Heidi going off birth control and not telling him about it. Hmmm, what’s that Heidi? Birth control? What would Jesus have to say about that?

Spencer also says that sex really isn’t a fact in their marriage. Wow, at their age, (or any age for that matter) I find that pretty sad and funny at the same time. Maybe they just totally bore each other to death in bed. Or perhaps they may be distracted by a mirror in the room and can’t stop looking at their reflections.

I guess Spencer and Heidi haven’t considered ALL the other alternatives they can do to get their groove on without doing the dastardly missionary position nasty. Perhaps you two should rent a couple of videos or buy a book or two?

But on the other hand.. maybe it’s a good thing that they are not reproducing. Speidi offspring is a frightening notion. After all, what will they do when their baby gets more attention then them? Oh the inhumanity!

At any rate, for the life of me, I don’t see how discussing their sex life, or should I say the lack of their sex life is very complimentary to their already failing careers. It makes Spence look like more of a wuss, and the admittance of Heidi’s birth control use, makes them look like the phony Christians they truly are.

People wrote:

There are many things most people would rather not dwell upon when considering the facts behind the marriage between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, perhaps the most reviled pairing in reality TV.

Thank God sex isn’t really a fact in their marriage, according to Pratt.

Speaking to the New York Post”’s PopWrap on Tuesday, Pratt, 26, says that he’s tried to prevent Montag, 23, from realizing her dreams of becoming a young mother – by refusing her sex.

“I’m not even kidding, my wife – OK, I’m gonna get crass here – but we’re barely having sex because I’m scared that she’s gonna have a baby,” he says. “That’s the level our marriage is on right now. I’m not even kidding – my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts.”
Hidden Fear
Behind his abstinence is his fear that Montag might go off her birth control without telling him, he says.

“She’s not the kind of person who would lie – she would just walk away and not answer the question,” he says. “So yes, I’m very concerned. Our sex life has dramatically changed recently.”

Pratt, who hints that he’d like to go on a double-date with President Barack and Michelle Obama to “share the spotlight,” and bashes frequent Speidi mocker Joel McHale, host of The Soup, as “a struggling wannabe actor just clowning on reality stars,” also gets in a dig at Lauren Conrad – whom he claims quit the MTV reality show only as a ruse to get more money.

“She quit The Hills because Speidi was getting more famous than her. So she quit thinking the show would end, but she was wrong. Her ego ruined her life and her career,” he says. “I pray for her every day and we’d all love for her to come back to The Hills when she realizes her move didn’t work.”

Pratt says he wants to go on a double date with Obama? *laughs holding sides*

Gee, what would that conversation be like over dinner? Would love to be a fly on the wall during that outing.
Maybe the double date would go something like this….

Obama: “So Spencer, why are you famous again? And why did I agree to this double date?” (as Michelle ducks into the bathroom for the 3rd time since they sat down to dinner, to avoid talking to Heidi.

Spencer answers Obama: “Uh… excuse me? I was on I Am A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here dude!”

Heidi corrects Spencer and says, “WE were on the show“.

Obama says, “is that the show that you two left early and Heidi was crying all the time?”

Heidi interupts and starts to cry and whine… ”Yeah but… they were SO unfair! And there was icky bugs and stuff. And I was the only awesome person on the whole show! And if it wasn’t for Jesus, I would have left even earlier than holding out for those four torturing days. Thank God Baldwn baptized me on show”

Spencer chimes in “ahem! WE we the most awesome people on that show. We totally ruled dude.”

Spencer then asks Obama, “Well then, how about The Hills? Have you seen how awesome we were on The Hills?”

Obama, annoyed, realizing what losers they are….looks at his watch and says, “NO“.
 
Michelle comes back to the table and Obama gives the hint to Michelle for them to leave by shifting his eyes back and forth towards the door.

Spencer  says,  “you never heard of the Hills? Dude! that’s like SO impossible.”

Obama stands up and says, “well we really should be going, I have an important meeting tomorrow”

Spencer says, “ok cool man, you must be really busy with all the President dude stuff and all. Maybe we can do this again some time”The Obamas pretend not to hear Spencer as they hurry out the door.

Spencer proudly sits back and says ”Man, they totally loved us.”

And Heidi says, “Totally”

Spencer grabs Heidi’s leg, winks and says, “come on…. let’s get out of here and do some serious dry humping. Which I am totally rad at.”

Heidi says “Totally“.
End scene.

*Sigh*
I digress…
So back to not having sex and their dwindling careers….

Spencer and Heidi can always live off Heidi’s line of whore bag clothes called Heidiwood. (if they are still selling that is) I find the name Heidiwood for her fashion line totally ironic now.

Maybe they should change the title to “Speidi-Blue-Balls” and feature bedazzled chastity belts. Awesome!

Word of advice Speidi… Save your money dudes. I think your future careers will involve Heidi eventually doing a commercial for tampons. And down the line you both may be asking if people want paper or plastic.

Or perhaps you two can do a Christian public service video on abstinence? I can just imagine what it would sound like…. 
Spencer would say, “Just don’t do it dudes, you end up with babies and junk”
And then Heidi would say, “Besides sex can be SO icky! Yuck!”

I say if you want some really big bucks there’s always the all mighty sex tape leak that you two can fall back on. A comedy sex video that is. *snicker*

Oh wait….that’s  right… you ain’t gettin’ any.

Speidi Off To Dry Hump Like….Ummm, Errr…Rabbits?

Spence, Hold My Drink While We Hump Dance? Praise Jesus!

Everybody and their grandmother has been reporting on “Speidi’s”
(Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt = ICK!) recent I’m A Celebrity Get me Out of Here brat-capades. I really didn’t want to give them any more attention, so I didn’t report their latest law suit against the show from Heidi’s ulcer and her much reported hospital visit, or the fact that they are claiming they were tortured and abused by the show.  YAWN.

Oh! Can someone please tell Heidi you can’t get an ulcer over night? DumbASS.

I made the mistake of tuning in one evening, to I’m  A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, and needless to say, between Heidi’s Jesus preaching, Spencer getting baptized by Steven Baldwin and both of them having hissy fits, my TV almost ended up on the front lawn.

They're Just So Mean WAHHHHH!

So why am I reporting about Heidi now?

Because Heidi, in all her hypocritical religious glory, has decided to pose for Playboy’s September issue. When I heard the news of her Playboy gig, it not only gave me the dry heaves, it succinctly validated just how much of a total fake dipshit she really is.

So, while I on one hand I will be forced to fight the nausea, on the other hand, this Playboy spread will also bring me joy because it makes a mockery of her ridiculous and phony bible thumping. Perhaps Jesus told her to pose nude? WWJD? Show us fake titties of course!

Sadly, many high profile religious leaders have turned out to be very hypocritical, oh hai Jim Baker and David Miscavige. So how surprised should we be that Heidi and Spencer wanted to have it both ways? Either they are incredibly stupid, or this angel/exhibitionist crap Speidi are pulling, is part of their grand scheme of achieving even greater heights of hypocrisy. I am pretty sure these two don’t even know what religion they are?

How exactly can you present yourself as some kind of religious role model, while simultaneously owing your own super trashy clothing line Heidiworld AND pose for Playboy?

*Fact*  Jesus loved zebra print halters, hot pants and stiletto heels on Mary Magdalene. *snicker*

Heidiworld... The Best Church Outfits

Now if you haven’t guessed already, I am not a big fan of organized religions myself, but even worse than blind adherence and inappropriate preaching is being a big phony ass holy rolling/attention whore/fake. Is there something in the Ten Commandments about being a fake attention whore who uses religion to promote themselves? If not, there should be.

In a MTV article she claimed:

Montag said that she and Pratt read the Bible regularly, and described herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist.” 

AND “I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old,” she said. “I always felt this crazy connection to God.”
AND when asked about the sex tape that Lauren Conrad had supposedly shot with ex-beau Jason Wahler.

“I don’t even want to talk about that,” Montag said. “There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”

Ummm, She claims she has been religious since she was TWO? God knows the truth about the sex tape? And is no one offended  that shes comparing the persecution of Jesus to her and Spencerbeing persecuted over a sex tape? Which BTW, Spencer did apologize for eventually for his role in spreading lies about Heidi’s former best friend, Lauren Conrad. Keep it classy Speidi!

*BANGS HEAD AGAINST WALL* Bitch PA-LEASE!

To add even more comedic fodder to the mix, Heidi and Spence got married at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena (the only church that would have them perhaps?) They also wanted to do a Christian album together. Confused? So are they.

Hmmm…. something tells me that  Heidi doesn’t know what she believes in? Maybe she thinks if she keeps saying Praise Jesus enough, it will make up for her slutty, fake persona. Little newsflash: IT WON’T.

I think Heidi must use a “Religion game spinner” when she gets up in the morning? I can just picture it….

 
Today is Tuesday…spin…yay! today I am a Scientologist! Oh wait…their TOO culty and scary. Spin Again…ok…Ahh! I’m Christian today! yay!

So back to this posing nude for Jesus b.s., er I mean Playboy.

PEOPLE reported:

 Heidi Montag has gotten a lot of exposure lately – but the newlywed is about to get even more: She has posed for the September issue of Playboy, PEOPLE has confirmed.

The reality star was most recently stirring up drama on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here, shot in Costa Rica, where she was briefly hospitalized. In April, she married her Hills costar Spencer Pratt.

Details of her Playboy photos are, um, scant: “There is nudity. It’s tasteful – she had a lot of fun with it,” says a second source. A rep for the magazine had no comment, and Montag’s rep was not immediately available to respond to questions.

Well Heidi is no stranger to using her body for some free PR, Ms. Religion also posed for Maxim last year, in yet another lovely church ensemble.

I think Heidi should just do a religious porn flick and get it over with.

Now before all you religious types get your kickers in a bunch and start leaving ugly comments, remember, this is a CELEBRITY GOSSIP blog and it was meant to entertain, and if necessary, offend!

Some days I love my job. Writing about celebs can be a lot of fun, but then there are days when I just have to go WTF? Today is one of those days. Why? Because I have to write about two dimwitted knucklehead McSpazatrons, that’s why.

By now you’ve probably guessed I am talking about Spencer Prattle on and on, and Heidi Montag, the two biggest fame whores on the planet. And that’s not hyperbole, seriously, there is NOTHING these two won’t do for some attention. I’ve seen sugar-addled toddlers on Halloween with more self-control than Speidi.

So, apparently, The Hills rejects Spencer and Heidi got married again for the umpteenth time and managed to get the tabloids to pay money for their nuptial pics. The irony is not lost on me that I am being a complete hypocrite for writing about these two, but in all fairness, I didn’t start it. Plus, it’s a slow celeb news day. So without further frivolities, here’s the two dumb-dumbs in their Big Day duds and some commentary from Us Magazine (enbablers!):

Heidi’s mom shared a moment with her daughter before her big day. “I’m just so happy they found each other,” she told Us. “I feel like I’ve passed on the job of taking care of Heidi to him, and it’s a big job! He’s the only other person alive who could do it.”

Apparently, Heidi’s mom Darlene, has had a change of heart, because here’s what Heidi’s mom said about Spencer back in December when the two “supposedly” got hitched in Mexico:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi,” Darlene Egelhoff, 46, told Us in an exclusive interview from her home in Crested Butte, Colorado the day after Montag, 22, blew off Thanksgiving with her family to stay with Pratt in Cabo San Lucas., the site of her Nov. 20 elopement. “I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged.”

“Spencer has tried to cut everyone out of her life,” Egelhoff tells Us. “I’ve been honest with Heidi, and it’s caused our relationship to decline. I’m more devastated about that than the marriage, because I’m confident the marriage won’t work out.”

Oh how the worm has turned, or been paid off. Whatever, everyone knows these two are just paid Us Magazine sponsors doing what two insane people must do to pay the rent. Oh, and frenemy Lauren Conrad showed up to attend to her contractual obligations. Doesn’t she look thrilled to be there? Don’t worry, she was paid to look disaffected. Pardon my skepticism, I had a bowl of Grumpy-O’s for breakfast.

If Spencer and Heidi weren’t so over-the-top annoying, it’d be like some kind of brilliant performance art, with them playing the public and the public going along for the ride. But then Heidi had to go and make music and that’s where I draw the line. An affront to my common sense is one thing, but an affront to my ears? HELLS TO THE NO! So if I must suffer, so must you. Here’s her new “song” title Sex Ed, a wedding gift for her fake hubby. If I were Spencer, I might be a bit insulted being given a song called Sex Ed. Then again, if I were Spencer I’d have driven myself off a cliff by now.

*Burp*

Sorry, coffee just barfed up in my mouth. Now, please excuse me while I go take a shower and try and clean the dirty off of me.

Tom Cruise has become a tragic figure in the world of Hollywood. Once a hot commodity and object of many a young girl’s fantasy, Cruise is now an embattled soon to be has-been. His latest film, Valkyrie, about a failed German plot to kill Nazi leader Hitler, has become an unintentional comedy due to Tom’s delivery without even a hint of a German accent and the image of Cruise doing the Nazi salute, may be his ultimate undoing. The film, which seems to be cursed, will likely do more to destroy Cruise’s career than improve it, is set to be released on Christmas day. Also being released on Christmas day, feel-good comedy Marley and Me starring Jennifer Aniston, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons starring Brad Pitt.

It’s fairly safe to say most will skip an overly earnest Tom Cruise taking himself too seriously, which may be what led to his latest weirdness.

Somehow the two biggest nobodies who became somebodies via the “reality” TV show, “The Hills”: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt managed to hitch themselves to a “real” Hollywood star, albeit one which is falling fast, Tom Cruise. On a talk show called “The Hills Aftershow” (as if the real show weren’t bad enough), Tom Cruise gets asked about Spencer and Heidi’s fake marriage (which garnered them a cover on Us Magazine, blech!). See video above for the madness. Even Tom looks bewildered as to how he ended up talking about these two sh*theads.

I can’t emphasize enough how completely talentless, devoid of entertainment potential and audaciously obnoxious Spencer and Heidi are. From their fake wedding vows, to their on-the-wrong-side political viewpoints, every move they make is conceptualized for the purposes of maximum monetization. If they weren’t so brazenly depraved, they’d be admirable. But alas, the ability of Spencer and Heidi to squeeze every ounce of fame and money from their long overdue 15 minutes has rendered them so contemptible, that were one of them to miraculously discover they ACTUALLY did possess some sort of talent (beyond staged photo ops) the world of matter and anti-matter might collide in such a spectacular display of catastrophic explosions that the universe as we know would be rendered obsolete.

Seriously, these two SUCK A$$!

In conclusion, Tom Cruise’s willingness to even exist in the same world as these two short-bus occupants is a direct indictment on Cruise and his favorite pet-project, Scientology (which his association with and shilling for has singlehandedly destroyed his once white-hot career) thus proving the equation that famewhoring + our slave-like adherence to spoonfed pop culture is killing us one reality show at a time.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to my morning cocktail. Drinking early helps…a lot.

The world’s two most boringest attention junkies decided that they just weren’t getting the sort of press they thought they deserved lately, so they decided to make their traveling roadshow more of a permanent run and got hitched:

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying,” Montag, 22, tells Us.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

“I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, ‘Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,’” Montag tells Us.

“She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that,” she adds. “I don’t know when I’ll tell her.”

Giving Exclusive! interviews to Us is her very reason for existing.  Who are they fooling?  Their whole relationship is a media event.  These two are about as real as Heidi’s breasts.  Wonder what they spent their check on?

Heidi couldn’t stop crying after her vows, and I couldn’t stop crying because this is about the most interesting thing that has happened in the celeb world so far today.

Taking bets on when we get the Exclusive Divorce Details?

I swore I would not write about these knuckleheads reality stars on our hallowed blog, but hey, even I can be shallow from time to time

So when I saw this PR release in my inbox, I checked it out and the sticker shock on what Audrina spent on her OWN birthday made me almost drop a deuce in my 100% cotton, reasonably priced drawers. While $4000 may not be much in Audrina’s world, for me $4000 is a large investment. I can say in an entire YEAR, I might have spent about half that amount on clothes for the WHOLE family. Granted, I am a bargain shopper and wait for sales at the Gap, Macy’s, and I sometimes shop at Marshall’s and TJMaxx when I can, but for the most part, I wouldn’t dream for a second about spending more than $15 on a t-shirt.

I don’t know how much these girls make being on their fake-reality show, “The Hills,” but DAMN, I want that job. The ladies of “The Hills” were featured on Rolling Stones most recent cover. WHY? I can think of about 15000 other individuals more compelling than these ladies, but hey, it’s what the young people want.

Here’s the PR release, we get these pretty often, I ignore them frequently because it’s not relevant in my view of Celeb culture, but hey, seeing what people spend is kind of interesting:

But wait, there’s more…

I have to admit that a guilty pleasure of mine is watching the tabloid antics of these two.  From Heidi Montag’s glorious video for Higher to Spencer Pratt’s constant self-affirmations that he is a mover and shaker to their oh-so-spontaneous photo-ops, I wake up every morning wondering just how they’re going to top themselves.  Well, I believe the day has arrived that I’ve been waiting for…yes, the Speidi video game is in the works:

“We’re definitely developing the Heidi and Spencer video game,” Pratt told Usmagazine.com last week at video game giant Electronic Arts’ Burnout Paradise pre-Valentine’s Day lounge in L.A.

Pratt, who said he is collaborating with EA on the game, told Us, “it’s top secret. Let’s just say that everyone will be addicted.”

Good news to those who love-to-hate The Hills pair: “You can definitely play as us or you can play against us,” Pratt said. “You can even torture me.”

He said “there’s going to be two versions: the adult version and the one for minors,” adding, “just be ready, that’s all I have to say.”

Expect the game to hit shelves in 2009, Pratt said, “right around Christmastime, probably.”

 

And of course, since true love always prevails, they’ll still be together almost two years from now.  Because this relationship isn’t about money or fame or getting one’s name in the papers…no, this relationship is for reals, bay-bee!  I now totally believe in romantic wishes and happy endings, because if these two can find true love, then by golly jinkies so can I.  I wanna be Speidi!

BRB…I need to find my insulin, and then I gotta run down to GameStop and pre-order my copy today!