I’ll take Johnny Depp please!
Is that the way the clients of California Cryobank sperm bank order their baby makers?

Apparently the California Cryobank has come up with the idea of matching up their sperm donors with famous celebrity faces. Are they genius entrepreneurs helping their clients make a tough decision of who they should pick as their baby daddy? Or are they just trying to make more money than other sperm banks by claiming their donors are celebrity look alikes? Or both?

How does this sperm bank match their donor’s faces with celebrities? With high tech face-recognition? Nope!
Employees of Cryobank sit around a table and put the donor’s pictures up on a screen and argue which celebrity looks like that donor the most. When they come to a consensus, they add that information to the donor’s file, and then the donor’s name goes into a huge data bank. Clients can then search the data base for a donor by which celebrity they want their child to look like.

Although clients are not allowed to see the donor’s ACTUAL picture by law, clients can  search for a potential donor by picking out a celebrity name.

Too superficial?
How will the general public weigh in on this?

I wonder if someone will pass up a donor with a better IQ, for a donor that looks like Mario Lopez? I also wonder if people out there will pick a celebrity look alike in hopes on trying to cash in on their offspring down the line, especially if their child ends up as a dead ringer of a celebrity.

Hey Kate Gosselin, this has your name all over it! Only eight kids? What’s the big deal? The Duggars have you beat by a landslide! It can be your new show! “Kate Plus Eight Plus Elvis!”
And remember Kate, there is a plus side besides the new show…which ever donor you pick… he can’t take money out of your bank account! 

Now I have seen just about every way there is to make a buck in the ol’ USA, and a lot of it ain’t too pretty. And there are some wackos out there who may try to claim that their child is the child of an actual celebrity. I wouldn’t put it past them. Far fetched? Perhaps.

But take the case  of a women trying to collect millions from Keanu Reeves. She is claiming that he is the father of at least one of her four adult children.  *snicker*
Even though Reeves took a DNA test to prove that he wasn’t the father, and he also said he never met the women, she still isn’t backing off. 
What did Reeves have to say about this whole ordeal? 
Rest assured, he didn’t say, ”eeeeeexcellent!” *snicker*

Of course Cryobank does have a disclaimer to cover their butts in this overly litigious world:

“No celebrity is meant as an exact match for any donor, nor should you assume that your future children will look like any celebrity listed.”

NBC’s Today Show covered the sperm bank story, and on this video, you can see the employees sitting around a table with the donor’s picture on a screen and trying to figure out who the donors most resemble. Man, where do I sign up for this cream puff gig?

Scott Brown, communication manager of the California Cryobank said to NBC TODAY,

“It’s not that our donors look like celebrities, it’s that celebrities look like our donors,”

Oh! I see what he did there…. he is SO crafty!

You can also pick a young or older version of the celebrity too. Perhaps you would like a young Sean Connery as OO7, or the older more sophisticated Sean Connery. The choice is yours!

There are MANY stars as well as athletes listed in their data base. And let’s not forget musicians and the less than famous celebs. You can pick from Eddie Van Halen to Jackass reality star Stev-O!
I kid you not, he is on the list.
Wow, seriously…if anyone picks the Steve-O look alike, I am afraid I just don’t understand, unless he is a nuclear physicist.

 
So are there people out there opposed to this celebrity look alike baby daddy factory? YES.

Some snippets from NBC’s TODAY,

The program has its share of critics, especially in the bioethics world. University of Albany professor Bonnie Steinbock bashed California Cryobank’s celebrity-match program on CNN, saying, “There’s something strange about a culture that has stratified rigid types of beauty where everyone looks alike; now they’re trying to create children through who the actor of the moment is.”

Brown’s defense:

Not so, says Brown. While the process may seem superficial, it is actually extremely helpful in guiding prospective parents through a stressful and often confusing time, he asserts.

“Seem superficial”?
Some people would argue that it is superficial. But don’t people have the right to choose which donor they want for whatever reason, since they are the ones paying for it? And what if it does help the client make their choice?

Take the opinion of a perspective Mom who was trying to pick a donor:

“I’m flipping through the catalog with a friend of mine, feeling like I was about to recruit a basketball team, because it was just all stats.” And while she whittled down her list, the Cryobank couldn’t show her a picture of the donor — but it could tell her one of her finalists resembled Freddie Prinze Jr.
“For me, that clinched it right then and there,” she said. “I’ve always found him attractive!”

Freddie Prinze Jr.? Really? That clinched it for her? To each their own.

So matching a face to a donor may actually make some clients feel more at ease about who they pick, or actually help them to decide who to pick. I hope people have the good sense to pick donors with good qualities, rather than picking a donor because they like Orlando Bloom.
But then again, this is the land of the SUPER DUPER superficial, so nothing would surprise me.

I wonder if Cryobank’s business will be booming?

I can see it now…
Mothers with their kids are at the playground and one mother says to another,
“wow your little boy really looks like Leonardo DiCaprio! Any relation?” 

The proud Mom says, “Well no, it was donor #09756-QL5, we were really big fans of the movie Titanic, so that’s why we went with him”.

I guess if there is one guy who is a real dead ringer of a handsome celebrity, he will be in big demand and asked to come back quite often. There can be a panic at Cryobank if they run out!  What happens then?

It may go something like this:

“OMG! We are fresh out of the Ryan Reynolds look alike! Get 9087-K490L on the phone stat! Tell him we have some new vids and magazines! Yeah I know he has been in twice a day for the past month and he’s a bit tender… Chain him down again if you have to, until he puts out. We are in the baby making business people!”

MORE???

I guess in the long run it can become quite a lucrative and fun “job” if you are a celebrity look alike donor. What guy wouldn’t want this gig? At $50- $75 a pop, I am surprised that there is a job shortage for men in the US! Hell, they ain’t getting paid for doing it at home!

Tough luck for all you donors out there who look like Gary Busey (sorry Gary) or OJ Simpson. (not sorry OJ)

I imagine their “stuff” wouldn’t have too many takers and is probably passed up for the gloopus of a more hunkier looking celebrity look alike.

But things may not work out exactly the way you have planned. Even though you picked out your favorite celeb look alike, don’t forget there is a 50/50 chance that your child may be a girl and you may end up with a pretty scary looking child! And I am more than sure that Cryobank does not issue refunds for fuglies.

Very Scary Indeed!

I bet some clients just won’t really care if the donor they picked has only two brain cells….
Just as long as their celebrity knock off looks good in a tux!

Sad news out of Florida:  Four men, two former college football players and two NFL players, are missing at sea after going for a fishing trip in the Gulf of Mexico and have yet to return:

The U.S. Coast Guard continued to search for two former Tampa Bay Buccaneers and two former University of South Florida football players who went fishing in the Gulf of Mexico on Saturday and never returned.

The original area being searched Sunday, about 750 square miles west of Clearwater, “has about tripled,” Coast Guard Petty Officer Sondra Kneen said this morning. [...]

The missing boaters were identified as former Bucs Marquis Cooper and Corey Smith and former USF players Nick Schuyler and Will Bleakley. Cooper, a linebacker, plays for the Oakland Raiders. Smith, a defensive end, played last season for the Detroit Lions.

The Coast Guard said at a news conference Sunday that it intended to search overnight for the missing boaters. There was no determination of how long searchers will continue looking.

Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officers are expected to join the search of inshore waters today.

The Coast Guard’s search was hampered Sunday by bad weather conditions, including gusting 30-mph winds and 14-foot seas. Sunday morning, the Coast Guard pulled in its 47-foot rescue boat because the rough seas.

Coast Guard Capt. Timothy M. Close said there was no communication with the men even before the weather started to pick up and no SOS call was received.

“That’s not to say they didn’t send one out,” he said. “We didn’t receive anything.”

The men were in a 21-foot, center console boat manufactured by Everglades Boats, Close said Sunday. The company advertises that because of the construction technique, the vessels are difficult or impossible to sink, he said.

On its Web site, the company also says the construction process “makes Everglades Boats unsinkable.”

Our thoughts and prayers for a safe and speedy recovery of these men.

UPDATE:  One of the players, Nick Schuyler, has been found clinging to the boat, and the search has been narrowed to a more specific area.  It seems the boat was anchored when it flipped.

Our thoughts and prayers are with everyone involved.

I’ve purposefully held off on writing about this because I wanted to see how it played out, and now I have my answer…Olympic swimming champ Michael Phelps, caught on camera attached to a bong as long as his forearm, has been disciplined by USA Swimming and has lost a major sponsor:

The Olympic swimming sensation Michael Phelps, who was photographed inhaling from a marijuana pipe, has lost a major sponsorship deal and has been suspended from competition for three months.

Kellogg, the food company, said Thursday that it would not renew its contract with Phelps when their deal expires at the end of February. It would not disclose the value of its contract.

Later Thursday, USA Swimming suspended Phelps for three months.

“Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg,” Susanne Norwitz, a spokeswoman for the company, said in a statement.

USA Swimming publicly reprimanded Phelps, who won eight medals at the Beijing Games, temporarily withdrawing its financial support to him and barring him from competition through early May. Phelps receives a monthly stipend of $1,750 from the organization. The national and world championships will be held in the summer.

“We decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and hero,” the organization said in a statement.

Phelps’s agent, Drew Johnson, also released a statement, saying that Phelps accepted and understood the decisions. “He feels bad he let anyone down,” the statement said. “He’s also encouraged by the thousands of comments he’s received from his fans and the support from his many sponsors. He intends to work hard to regain everyone’s trust.”

Darryl Seibel, a spokesman for the United States Olympic Committee, said Thursday that U.S.O.C. officials were willing to work with Phelps to ensure that he does not repeat his misstep. [...]

As it stands, Phelps’s actions have already put a dent into his sponsorship spoils, which some marketing experts say could reach $100 million in his lifetime.

It’s also being speculated that he might now pull out of the 2012 Olympics:

“This is a decision of mine that I’m not going to make it today and I’m not going to make tomorrow,” Phelps told the Baltimore Sun.

“It’s going to require a lot of time and energy and a lot of thinking for myself – but also talking to (my coach Bob Bowman) and talking to my family and just deciding what I want to do.”

And then there was the apology offered after that little DUI back in 2004:

Wicomico County District Court Judge Lloyd O. Whitehead accepted an agreement between Phelps’ attorneys and prosecutors and granted Phelps probation before judgment. The sentence means Phelps’ record will be expunged if he complies with the terms of probation.

“I recognize the seriousness of this mistake. I’ve learned from this mistake and will continue learning from this mistake for the rest of my life,” Phelps told the judge as more than 100 spectators packed the courtroom, mostly to see the famed Olympic champion.

Which sounds remarkably similar to the apology offered just a few days ago concerning this latest slip-up:

“It’s something I am going to have to live with and something I’ll have to grow from,” Phelps told The Associated Press outside the pool where he trains. “I know with all of the mistakes I made, I learned from them and that is what I expect to do from this. By no means it is fun for me, by no means is it easy.”

And he was described as being quite out-of-control at the party where the photo was taken…although, one must take into account the tabloid style of the paper and the possibility that the person offering info was trying to give them their money’s worth.  But then again, you never truly know the private life of a public figure.

Now, before people start in on me, let me just make this one thing perfectly clear from the start:  I like Michael Phelps.  I think he’s cool, and I have enjoyed watching him compete in the Olympics.  I don’t have any personal animosity against the man.  That being said…I do, as a blogger and as a human being, have to step back and take a look.

There are some who believe this should be totally a non-issue because of the drug involved.  The debate over whether or not to legalize marijuana rages on in this country, with supporters on both sides making compelling arguments.  And yeah, he could have been caught with a needle in his arm or a crack pipe in his hand or on the receiving end of a steroid shot, so the situation could have been much worse.  But whether or not one agrees or disagrees with the laws concerning marijuana in this country, the fact is that it is illegal to smoke pot.  If you’re busted with it, you’re going to have to pay the consequences.  It’s really just that simple.  Agree or disagree, them’s the rules, and you have to play by the rules if you want to continue doing the things you enjoy.

Let’s put it this way…I recently was the recipient of a speeding ticket, busted while traveling up a short hill into a small town by a cop hiding behind a clump of trees (which also conveniently hid the speed limit sign, posting a speed which was a good 10 MPH under what I was going).  While I was seething and wondering why this guy didn’t go after a drug dealer or something, since the town I was in has a bad drugs reputation, he handed me a ticket.  I was polite, respectful, and later on I quietly paid my fine.  Now, I could have bucked against the system, declared that the speed limit was unreasonable, screamed about the unfairness of my little infraction when compared to the druggies of the town, griped about the sneaky cop with his sneaky radar gun, and continued to speed up the hill in protest…but all that would eventually get me is my driving privileges taken away. You see, whether we agree with certain rules or not, sometimes we have to follow them to continue doing what we like to do.  I like to drive…therefore, I’m going 25 MPH into that town from now on.

Michael should have known, as a young man with more Olympic gold than most small countries, his every move will be scrutinized.  Whether he intended it or not, he is now a celebrity, and with that comes every yahoo with a cellphone camera ready to catch you in a private moment doing something stupid.  He never should have put himself in a situation where he ended up drunk sucking on a bong.  I don’t care that he’s young.  Plenty of young people manage to make it through life without ever rolling a blunt or chugging a beer or getting a DUI or getting caught with drugs.  And the photo was taken in November…the Olympics were in August.  How long does a person really need to unwind from the stress of the Games?  Being young and successful is no excuse for being stupid…dude, there’s a reason why they call it dope.

Now, having said that, do I think Michael deserves to pay for this forever?  No, I don’t.  Every good parent knows that when your kid does something wrong, you have to punish them.  You give them a stern lecture, you ground them for a while, you take away an activity they enjoy, you dock their allowance, you give them a chance to say they are sorry.  But eventually, when you feel they’ve learned their lesson, and when you feel you can trust them again, you slowly restore their privileges to them, albeit with the stipulation that they mind from now on or face worse consequences.  I think that is what should happen with Michael…he’s screwed up twice now, luckily with no serious repercussions to anyone but himself.  He’s being disciplined, again.  He’s being told that if he minds, he’ll eventually get his privileges back.  And that’s as it should be.  No punishment should be forever.  Besides, he had to tell his mom about it…sometimes, that’s punishment enough.

But Michael, as a parent, let me say this to you…eventually you’re going to run out of chances.  Even the best, cutest, most talented child gets to the point where they push the last button.  This is the second time now you’ve been caught exhibiting very bad judgement, and I sincerely hope it is the last.  I hope your apology was sincere, and not just “I’m sorry so please don’t pull my sponsorship dollars.”  There’s a big difference between being sorry you did something and being sorry you got caught.  Time will tell, and actions speak louder than words.  Take your punishment, learn from this, and most importantly…don’t let it happen again.

I don’t expect to have to have this conversation again.  Now go clean your room.

Of course, I’m old enough to remember the original, which makes it even funnier. 

Coca-Cola adds life…have a Coke and a…SMILE!

…here’s the sport I look forward to every Summer Olympics.  Table Tennis!

No, I am not kidding.

Why yes, I do also watch curling in the Winter Olympics.  Why do you ask?

Happy Friday, everybody!

All the shallow people in the world who are making nasty comments about Michael Phelps’ appearance exemplify why the world is going to hell in a hand-basket. Michael has brought joy and pride to the United States representing us in the 2008 Olympic games, he has accomplished feats we can only dream about, he loves his mom, he’s gives back to his community and has a work-ethic we should all strive for, yet all I keep reading about in the rags is how “unattractive” he is.

GROW UP people, not everything is life is about looks. Not all things center around people’s appearance. Not to mention the fact that I think Michael is perfectly handsome, but I tend to value what comes from the inside more than the outside, so I don’t expect everyone to have the same aesthetic viewpoint I have.

As for the Amanda Beard/Michael Phelps dating story, he’s WAY TOO GOOD for any athlete who cheapens her talents by posing for Playboy. Why not let the sluts with self-esteem issues do spreads, and the athletes set good examples for our youth? Yeah I am talking to you AMANDA. I am not sure what’s more disgusting, the despicable way you spoke about a teammate, or or your tasteless visage plastered all over the web?

When asked about whether she’s dating the world’s greatest Olympian, did Amanda really need to respond with “Ewww, gross,” or “I have better taste than that?” All I can say is her taste is all in her mouth. And most likely, that’s not all she puts in there.

If I ain’t being too blunt.

HORE! (same letters with a little rearrangement)

The Cleveland Cavaliers tied up the playoff series with the Boston Celtics tonight in true Cleveland fashion = all or nothing. During the game, Cleveland star and local hero Lebron James collided with Celtics forward Paul Pierce and the two ended up spilling into the crowd. According to BallDon’tLie blog, Lebron’s mother, Gloria, a local loose cannon went all ghetto on Pierce and started to ball him out, to which Lebron responded with a “Sit Yo Ass Down!”

Once a mom, always a mom.

[Editor's note: since YouTube is "performing maintenance" (or in other words, auditing their inner thetans) I can't verify if the woman is in fact his mother, so let's throw caution to the wind and assume it is]

Over the weekend, Giants Super Bowl-winning quarterback Eli Manning done went and got himself married up to his long-time girlfriend Abby McGrew:

Giants quarterback Eli Manning wed his college sweetheart Abby McGrew during a beachfront ceremony at sunset Saturday.

About 60 loved ones flew to Mexico to join Manning and his bride for the intimate ceremony at the One & Only Palmilla, a swank resort along the Sea of Cortez on the Baja Peninsula.

Manning, 27, and McGrew, 24, exchanged vows while standing on a platform in the sand as waves crashed over rocks behind them.

The family was on hand to wish the happy couple well, including Super Bowl-winning brother Peyton, who offered some words of encouragement before the ceremony.

It seems that the whole event was laid-back, enjoyable, and fun for everyone:

Hours before the ceremony, Manning worked out pre-wedding jitters, hitting the gym by 10 a.m., running furiously on the treadmill, lifting weights and doing push-ups for an hour and and a half.

During the rest of the day, the Super Bowl MVP and his bride stood by the old adage that the groom not see the bride the day of the wedding. [...]

Manning’s parents, Archie and Olivia Manning, were overjoyed to see their youngest son get hitched.

Archie gave a heartfelt toast Friday night before a rehearsal dinner in front of the resort’s old Spanish Mission Chapel, getting tears in his eyes as he raised his glass.

Manning and McGrew met when they were students at Ole Miss. He proposed last March during a quiet date in Hoboken.

The couple is famously low-key and kept their wedding plans under wraps until just last week.

Wedding guests remarked all weekend about how relaxed Manning had made the celebration for all of them.

Good for them.  I’m happy for Eli, whom most people wrote off as a QB while he was still trying to find his footing with the Giants.  Say what you will about the Mannings (yeah, people have, and I’m sure more will in response to this post), at least we don’t see photos of them splashed across every newspaper and sports section in the land for all the wrong reasons.  When was the last time you saw either Peyton or Eli in the news for drunk driving, or being busted for drugs, or for beating up their wife/girlfriend?  They seem to have settled down since college (like most people do) and all you hear about now are either their prowess on the football field or their philanthropy works.

And face it…it’s refreshing to see a famous couple who don’t need to get over themselves.  Rumor is the wedding set Eli back about $500,000, which by celeb wedding standards is pretty modest.  And spending the day floating around in the pool with your buddies while your big brother tells embarrassing stories about your youth sounds to me like any good ol’ boy’s wedding, not some stuck-on-himself overinflated-ego jock who believes the world revolves around them just because they can throw a football.  It’s a nice palate cleanser.

Best wishes to the happy couple!

Soccer (oh wait, football…no, check that, it’s soccer) star David Beckham has opened his third academy for aspiring young people:

The state-of-the-art World of Sport complex has been set up to benefit the children of Brazil and provide them with on-site coaching and access to top-class facilities, much in the same way as his academies in London and Los Angeles.

Beckham said: “This is by far the best training camp I have ever seen.

“It will be the best football facility in the world and I am very proud to have an academy in Brazil where kids can come and enjoy themselves and play football in a safe environment.”

Davey Boy also hopes that his new facility will draw soccer clubs from all over the world to train, and hopefully to help future athletes in the form of Brazil’s young people.

But here’s what I really want to say about the whole thing:

PULL YOUR PANTS UP!!!

Great balls of fire…he’s a zillionaire, but he can’t afford pants that fit right?  Yank that belt tighter!  Srsly!

This Sunday is D-Day for Superbowl XLII, where the country gathers around the television to watch two teams of tough, rugged, trained and taut manly men compete in the testosterone-laden game of football. There’s no room for “gay stuff” in this game, ok? Oh, maybe not ok.

According to this article, one of the teams competing in this year’s championship at UP’s Football Stadium has some not-so-out gay guys on their team. That’s not all, there’s said to be at least a 15% rate of gay men playing in the professional league today. Gives a new meaning to towel-snapping in the locker room.

The author Ian Halperin (my guest on last Sunday’s radio show and author of Hollywood Undercover) drops another bomb about one more lucrative American institution which is attempting to hide its anti-gay attitudes. We can certainly understand why. With as much money as the NFL generates in advertising revenue, franchise rights, and merchandising it’s no wonder they want to keep it’s membership in the “gay” club a secret. Here’s what Forbes had to say about the NFL’s financials:

The National Football League is the most valuable and profitable team sport in the world. This year the average team is worth $733 million, a 17% increase over last year. Operating income (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization) for the 32 teams came in at $851 million on revenue of $5.3 billion, an operating margin of 16%. Baseball teams come the closest in valuations to football, with an average value of $295 million (see: “The Business Of Baseball”). When we last looked at the National Basketball Association, the second most profitable sport, the league’s operating margin was only 6.5% (see: “The Business Of Basketball”).

The league’s national television contract ($17.6 billion over eight years) is responsible for the NFL’s rich team valuations, and a cap on player salaries of no more than 65% of specified revenue explains the fat margin.

That’s not chump change, and one can only speculate how the average “male” would respond to knowing some his favorite players are in fact, playing for the same team, so to speak. Here’s what Ian revealed to Queerty:

We’ve always thought American football to be a little faggy and now we have the totally unsubstantiated proof! Scientology exposer Ian Halperin – who infiltrated the “religion” by posing as a gay actor looking for a queer cure – tells us that a footballer basically outed the entire National Football League, especially the NY Giants:

“One NFL star told me at least 15 percent of players in the NFL league are, and another 20 percent are bi. Interestingly, he said the NY Giants, who are in this year’s super bowl, have at least a half dozen players who are gay.”

When I asked Ian how he came upon this information, he explained:

“Basically, I was explaining to the reporter that during my time at COS [Church of Scientology] I discovered that COS was not the only entertainment or well known entity that was homophobia. I learned this after talking to an NFL star at a big Hollywood party I was invited to while I was undercover.”

Well, I’ll chalk this one up as a “wait and see” whether it pans out as being accurate. But you can also look at it this way, if 1 in 10 men taken from any random sample are designated as being gay, or in other words 10% of the population and there are 74 registered players on the NYGiants roster, that’s 7.4 gay football players on the Giants alone. Not sure about that .4% guy. Maybe he’s just confused.

As an aside, I don’t think being “macho” and “gay” are mutually exclusive. Men are men any way you slice it. You can have effeminate gays and very “butch” gays. There’s no rule which states being gay equates to not liking football. Gay people are just people who have a defined sexual orientation as being attracted to the same sex. This does not mean however, they can’t also like watching dudes pound each other in the dirt. In fact, I’d think that could be kind of appealing to anyone, regardless of their preferences.

To be fair, I contacted the Giants home office in East Rutherford, NJ and would like to give them an opportunity to speak to the veracity of this statement. I will post any updates or statements from their public relations people.