Come on people!
Are you freaking kidding me?

Michael Vick who went to jail for being the leader of a dogfighting ring, was just released from jail after serving only 18 months of his 23 month sentence at Leavenworth.

Not only was his sentence a mere slap on the wrist, but he has once again signed up with Nike as a spokesman. Nike dropped Vick back in 2007, but they recently changed their minds and struck a new deal with him. The amount Vick that will receive from Nike has not been disclosed.

To make matters even more sickening, Vick will have his own eight part television series called the “Michael Vick Project” which will come out in 2010. The project will be produced by DuBose Entertainment,( Vick’s production company) MV7 Productions and Category 5 Entertainment. It will air on BET.

A snippet from Msnbc.com  about the show:

“The tentatively titled “Michael Vick Project,” a “docu-series,” not a reality show per se, will spotlight his comeback with the Philadelphia Eagles and also delve into his back story, from his difficult childhood to his 2007 arrest for running a dog-fighting ring, according to the L.A. Times.”

 
WTF?
Why would Nike and BET do business with someone who was guilty of animal cruelty? This means he will STILL be profiting from dogfighting in the long run.

But guess who else is behind this project?

According to the LA Times,

The project has the support of the Eagles, the NFL and former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy, who has acted as Vick’s mentor since his imprisonment, say the producers. Also on board, they say, is the Humane Society, which has enlisted Vick in its battle to end the widespread abuse of dogs in the inner city.

What is this about Vick working with the Human Society? What does “enlisted Vick in it’s battle to end widespread dog abuse” mean exactly?

According to Humane Society president, Wayne Pacelle, who met with Vick while he was in Leavenworth, Vick is supposed to work towards getting young kids to cease any involvement in these activities by appearing in public service announcements.

No word lately about this particular project. I just don’t think these PS announcements will go over too well with the general public. They just may come off looking like a skit from Saturday Night Live in my opinion.

And unless Vick is volunteering his own time, donating funds from his new show and shoveling sh*t out of dog pens at the local pound, I am not convinced at all that he is a changed man.

They confiscated more than SIXTY dogs from Vick’s place when they broke up his dogfighting ring. Apparently BET and Nike have very short memories. And I presume that coach Tony Dungy is only concerned with getting Vick back on the field.
It was Roger Goodell, who suspended Vick indefinitely. Kudos to Goodell!

 
Thank goodness 22 of these poor pitbulls went to Best Friends rehab sanctuary in Utah.

National Geographic has a TV show called DogTown, which spotlighted Vick Dogs.

Meet Denzel, Just One Of Many Of Vick’s Victims

And Georgia, Another One Of Vick’s Victims

Of course the pictures above of Denzel and Georgia show their battle wounds from their fighting all healed. But their scars are still very visible on their faces as well as in their eyes.

Anyone who supports Vick, will be supporting someone who was guilty of a very cruel and brutal pastime.

The short time he spent in jail, was simply not enough. And although he has a three year probation, which requires him to wear an electronic monitor and to work a $10.00 an hour construction job. Again, not enough. 

Many people are not able to find a job these days. I’m sure that they would love to have that job in this economy. But instead, they give the job to a convicted animal abuser.

If the “Michael Vick Project” goes through, I hope the show goes over like a fart in church.

I sincerely doubt that Vick has proven ANY remorse what so ever by serving his cream puff jail sentence. And it sounds like these new deals with BET and Nike may have been struck during his jail time, since they are going to happen relatively soon.

So that means he sat and jail and wheeled and dealed about making MORE money as soon as he got out. And again that money will be made from him telling his story about his tough childhood and his arrest for dogfighting. Therefore profiting from dogfighting once again.

I don’t know who I am more disgusted with…
Vick the dick, the justice (?) system, or the other a-holes who are awarding him with continued wealth and fame. 
JUST DISPICABLE!

The only reason why I gave Vick ANY mention at all, was to spout my outrage. I can only hope that people will choose to send Vick a message by not supporting him in any way shape or form.

So write to Nike and BET and tell them how you feel about them hiring a man who operated a dogfighting ring and who not only had the dogs trained to kill each other, but then put money down on watching the dogs tear each other apart.

Tell BET he should not profit from telling his story. And tell them if this show does go through, that any money made from this series should go straight to the Best Friends dog rehab where his dogs were sent.

And as far as Nike goes…
If they insist on using Vick for a spokesperson….
Then Vick should set up some sort of deal with Nike. They can either have a percentage of their sales go straight towards animal rehab, or they can deposit a percentage of his pay right into the Best Friend’s bank account.

Of course I hope public outrage nixes both deals before they can ever happen.
But if they go through, Vick should have to redeem himself by having his money go to abused animals.
Although as far as I’m concerned, he can never be redeemable in my book.

No Animal Should Ever Have To Endure This Torture

They say Karma is a bitch, and I hope it catches up to Vick real soon.

How many times out of the goodness of your heart, have you donated to a good cause? Did you ever wonder if the good cause you donated to was on the up and up? Have you ever checked out a charity before donating your hard earned money? Well you should.

Just because it looks like a charity is on the up an up or sponsored by celebrities, doesn’t mean your money is going where you think it may be.

Glosslip is about to give you a small lesson in the many front groups of Scientology. If you are thinking that there is no way that you have have given cash to Scientology, think again. It happened to me, only I didn’t realize it until YEARS later. I will get to that later.

As you may or may not know, the cult of Scientology THRIVES on deception and secrecy. It has hundreds of front groups. Some of the better known front groups you may have heard about are, CCHR, Narconon, Criminon, Applied Scholastics, WISE, ABLE, FASE, and The Way To Happiness. 

While all the proceeds from these groups end up going to the same place, which is Scientology of course, the names of these groups usually are attached to a business, an inmate betterment program, a drug treatment program, a dentist or chiropractor’s office (we will get to that) or a school which teaches L. Ron Hubbard tech, like Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s school, the New Village Academy.

But there are a whole slew of names that you may not be aware of that are in fact Scientology.  Scientology’s deception runs so deep, that your own town officials may have some of these programs implemented and your tax dollars are ending up in Scientology’s pockets without you even knowing it. Yes, your tax dollars may be funding a Scientology drug rehabilitation program. Sad but true. It has happened in many states in the U.S. and just recently in New Mexico.

Ask Albuquerque Mayor Martin Chavez whose tax payers paid over $1.5 million dollars to run the now defunct Second Chance program which was run in their old Westside Jail. This program used Scientology’s teachings and the very dangerous Purification Rundown, which is also used by all Scientologists. This of course is the same program used in Narconon AND Criminon AND the NY Fire Fighter’s Detoxification program, just to name a few. ALL the same program, only with different names.

FYI…The Second Chance program left in the middle of the night and not only stole items, but left an outstanding bill. They owe more than $600,000 in tax liens, about $400,000 is due to the IRS, and more than $200,000 to the state. I would  like to know why Joy Westrum, who ran that particular Second Chance, is not being brought in for questioning? Crazy, isn’t it?

I know if that was MY money going towards a Scientology phony baloney drug rehab, I would be slightly miffed, to say the least.

Some of these programs that you may not be aware of are: The Drug Free Marshals, (this program is for children, and a new chapter just opened in Cincinnati) STOMP (Stop Torture of Mental Patients), World Literacy Crusade, Riders Against Drugs, The Association for Peace in the Middle East, Cry Out, Artists For A Better World, Slums To Schools, Racing For Human Rights Awareness & Education, Educating Children International, Fight for Kids, Author Services Inc., Volunteer Ministries, Guardian Art, Youth For Human Rights, Human Rights International, The NY Fire Fighters Detoxification Program, (created after 911, a front group for Narconon) Poets for Peace And Poets For Human Rights, and the list goes on and on and on. Narconon has MANY front groups and has recently been handing out pamphlets and information in many schools across the US. Tell your school no thank you!

Other names for Narconon front groups are stopaddiction.com, cocaineaddiction.com, ecstacyaddiction.com, methamphetamineaddiction.com, addiction2.com, just to name a few. Click here for more of Scientology’s front groups to watch out for.

Disturbing enough, the front groups names I just listed are merely  a drop in the bucket. Scientology has hundreds more and has successfully eked their way into law enforcement positions, government positions, our jail systems, our schools, our colleges, Hollywood, football teams, soccer teams, the arts and entertainment world, and yes, even NASCAR.

NASCAR driver, Kenton Gray, founded the Dianetics Racing Team in 2001. The name Dianetics Racing Team was a title taken from a book by founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard.

Kenton drove a car sponsored by Bridge Publications, (another Scientology front group) which publishes Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s “Dianetics”, the biggest book of dribble I have ever had the misfortune of trying to read.

The hood of the car that Kenton drove read “Dianetics”, along with a volcano graphic. The slogan is “Ignite Your Potential”. *rolls eyes*

Poor Kenton has no idea what he has gotten himself into. I am sure a lot of his prize money will be going towards Scientology courses and auditing so he can climb his way up Scientology’s Bridge To Total Freedom or what we here at Glosslip refer to as “The Bridge to Nowhere and Financial Ruin.”

Scientology has also been infiltrating other countries for years now. They are looking for “fresh meat” to join their Sea Organization and their Volunteer Ministries. They have snaked their way into India, Africa, Russia, Thailand and even the Czech Republic and many more. They typically go into countries with using their front groups The Way To Happiness and Volunteer Ministries ostensibly to help the underprivileged. Many unsuspecting people have joined the Volunteer Ministries through Scientology’s “World Crusades”  events that Scientology holds thinking they were helping people, completely unaware of the negative influence they were spreading until it’s too late.

Scientology also creeps into businesses through companies like Sterling Management, Hollander Consultants, Silkin Management Group, (formally called Hollander Consultants) and Stellar Consultants, these are just a few. They are ALL affiliated with WISE, which stands for World Institute of Scientology Enterprises.

How is Scientology able to achieve getting into businesses? They contact the owners and tell them that their employees productivity will increase greatly if they take their courses. Of course they are Scientology courses. Scientology courses which were written up by L. Ron Hubbard. They also tell the owner that they too will also make money depending on how many employees they get on course, so naturally some business owners jump at the chance to make more money. The owners must pay a licensing fee to WISE for use of the course materials and also a pay a percentage to WISE.

What is being taught in these courses? L. Ron Hubbard tech of course! And why? MONEY for Scientology and hopefully indoctrination into Scientology down the line. It’s all a a very slow deceptive process.

CONTINUED:

But wait, there’s more…

Sad news out of Florida:  Four men, two former college football players and two NFL players, are missing at sea after going for a fishing trip in the Gulf of Mexico and have yet to return:

The U.S. Coast Guard continued to search for two former Tampa Bay Buccaneers and two former University of South Florida football players who went fishing in the Gulf of Mexico on Saturday and never returned.

The original area being searched Sunday, about 750 square miles west of Clearwater, “has about tripled,” Coast Guard Petty Officer Sondra Kneen said this morning. [...]

The missing boaters were identified as former Bucs Marquis Cooper and Corey Smith and former USF players Nick Schuyler and Will Bleakley. Cooper, a linebacker, plays for the Oakland Raiders. Smith, a defensive end, played last season for the Detroit Lions.

The Coast Guard said at a news conference Sunday that it intended to search overnight for the missing boaters. There was no determination of how long searchers will continue looking.

Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officers are expected to join the search of inshore waters today.

The Coast Guard’s search was hampered Sunday by bad weather conditions, including gusting 30-mph winds and 14-foot seas. Sunday morning, the Coast Guard pulled in its 47-foot rescue boat because the rough seas.

Coast Guard Capt. Timothy M. Close said there was no communication with the men even before the weather started to pick up and no SOS call was received.

“That’s not to say they didn’t send one out,” he said. “We didn’t receive anything.”

The men were in a 21-foot, center console boat manufactured by Everglades Boats, Close said Sunday. The company advertises that because of the construction technique, the vessels are difficult or impossible to sink, he said.

On its Web site, the company also says the construction process “makes Everglades Boats unsinkable.”

Our thoughts and prayers for a safe and speedy recovery of these men.

UPDATE:  One of the players, Nick Schuyler, has been found clinging to the boat, and the search has been narrowed to a more specific area.  It seems the boat was anchored when it flipped.

Our thoughts and prayers are with everyone involved.

It’s the three degrees of Nicole Kidman…she doesn’t really have anything to do with this story other than the rather odd coincidence of ex-husband Tom Cruise, adopted son Connor, and current hubby Keith Urban all being at the Daytona International Speedway for this year’s running of the Great American Race, which probably made for some very interesting conversations at two separate dinner tables later that night:

Cruise brought his father-in-law and adopted son Connor along for company as he got behind the wheel of the same vehicle used in the 1990 film.

Sporting a pair of sunglasses and leather jacket, the star appears to have aged well, looking younger than his 46 years.

There was no sign of ex-wife Nicole Kidman though, who he met on the set of the film and subsequently married.

Kidman’s current husband however, country music star Keith Urban, attended the event to  perform a surprise two-song set for reporters.

Urban took brief questions from reporters and laughed awkwardly when asked what his favourite racing film was.

“Uhhhhh … Cars?” he stammered, choosing the animated movie over the more obvious Days Of Thunder that featured his wife as Tom’s love interest.

Later, Urban and Cruise both attended the pre-race driver meeting. The two were seated on opposite ends, but Cruise heartily applauded Urban when the singer was introduced.

(I know Dawn ususally does the CoS stories…she rawks, I suck, but be gentle.)

I remember when Days Of Thunder came out…back in the day Tom was the hawt young thing, the darling of the cinema, and fans simply could not get enough.  Then, by most accounts, he was introduced to Scientology in 1990 by former wife Mimi Rogers, the same year this movie was released (DOT was filmed in 1989, released in June 1990), and while he has had certifiable hits since then, the deeper he gets into Scientology the worse his movies perform at the box office.  Now, he’s done gone and lost his mind to a pseudo-religion, his career is going down the toilet, and fans are running from Tom and his footbullets in droves.  Too bad, because I can still see traces of that hawt young thing in the caricature he has become (perhaps assisted?)…why oh why did he have to join a cult?  Maybe the CoS thinks that NASCAR rednecks are too stupid to know about their atrocities…but they are wrong.

However, it disturbs me to see father-in-law Martin Holmes in this photo-op with Tom.  His son-in-law seems to have the Midas touch in reverse, and he doesn’t allow anyone near him who doesn’t at least pretend an interest in the church, so this is probably the only way Martin can see his daughter and granddaughter.  However, anyone pictured with Tom automatically makes one ask just what is going on.

And here’s a slightly OT question for everyone…people were ticked about how the race ended, shortened by rain.  But why did Fox insist they start the race so late to begin with?  Had they started at the normal time, there would have been plenty of time to race the entire 200 laps before the storm rolled in, and drivers wouldn’t have been driving like men possessed to try and get the lead before the red flag.  As it was, had they decided to wait out the rain, dry the track, and finish the race (all in all, taking at least 3 hours if not more), the ending probably wouldn’t have been shown on Fox, because God forbid they interrupt their prime-time television lineup for something like a car race…but Daytona is lit so it could have been done.  There was two airtime hours of stupid pre-race crap (yes, including that boring Keith Urban set), so had they ditched that junk and got down to the business of racing earlier in the day there would have been 200 laps.  Just shut up and race!

(ps…in 2006 there was an attempt by the CoS to break into NASCAR, but from what I’m finding on the web it was epic fail.  The website is gone…however, a Scientology car has been active in Switzerland [translated page], and Scientologist driver Kenton Gray’s team has a site, but it doesn’t seem to be up to date.)

Bicyclist Lance Armstrong is offering a reward for the return of his finely tuned, very expensive, and super-cool-looking bike, which was stolen sometime Saturday night:

Whoa!! They just came to my room and said our truck was broken into and someone stole my time trial bike! Wtf?!? APB out to the twitterati.

It seems that this isn’t your run-of-the-mill Schwinn with a banana seat and a baseball card in the spokes (although that would be cool), but a precision instrument and one of a kind:

Lance Armstrong came out of retirement to cycle his way back to the top of his sport -  but he is going to need a new bike to do it after having his stolen by thieves.

The seven-time Tour de France winner has offered a reward for the return of his custom-made time-trial bike after it was stolen from his team truck in the middle of the night before he was due to start a race in California. [...]

He wrote on his page: ‘There is only one like it in the world therefore hard to pawn it off. Reward being offered.’

Armstrong’s bike was stolen from the Team Astana truck during the night before Stage 1 of the Tour of California.

He had rode it to a 10th-place finish on Saturday in Sacramento during the Tour prologue, in what was his first competitive appearance in his native country since beginning his cycling comeback last month.

He’s now offering a reward for the safe return of his bike, which he uses in time trials.  So if you have any info on this bike, remember…you saw it on GlossLip! 

Watch CBS Videos Online

Wow, this one ranks right up there with some of the most famous denials of all time:

“I did not have sex with that woman.”  (Bill Clinton)

“I am not a crook.”  (Richard Nixon)

“I’ve done nothing wrong.”  (Rod Blagojevich)

And now…”No.”

That was the answer Alex Rodriguez gave to Katie Couric back in 2007 when asked point-blank if he had taken any sort of performance-enhancing drugs.  Now, since it has come out that he has indeed taken performance-enhancing drugs, his memory has returned and, oh wait, maybe he did partake of some of them there drug things after all:

His voice shaking at times, Alex Rodriguez met head-on allegations that he tested positive for steroids six years ago, telling ESPN on Monday that he did take performance-enhancing drugs while playing for the Texas Rangers during a three-year period beginning in 2001.

“When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day,” Rodriguez told ESPN’s Peter Gammons in an exclusive interview in Miami Beach, Fla.

“Back then, [baseball] was a different culture,” Rodriguez said. “It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time.

“I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.” [...]

Rodriguez’s admission comes 48 hours after Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez was on a list of 104 players who tested positive for banned substances in 2003, the year when Major League Baseball conducted survey tests to see if mandatory, random drug-testing was needed in the sport.

Sources who know about the testing results told SI that Rodriguez tested positive for testosterone and Primobolan, an anabolic steroid. In his ESPN interview, which his ex-wife, Cynthia, attended, Rodriguez said he did not know exactly which substance or substances he had taken. In 2003, there were no penalties for a positive result.

“Again, it was such a loosey-goosey era,” Rodriguez said. “I’m guilty for a lot of things. I’m guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions. And to be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.”

A three-time AL Most Valuable Player, Rodriguez blamed himself and his $252 million contract he signed with the Rangers in 2001 for his decision to use PEDs.

“I felt a tremendous pressure to play, and play really well” in Texas, the New York Yankees third baseman said. “I had just signed this enormous contract … I felt like I needed something, a push, without over-investigating what I was taking, to get me to the next level.”

Rodriguez also said part of the reason he started using drugs was the heat in Texas.

“Can I have an edge just to get out there and play every day?” he said to himself. “You basically end up trusting the wrong people. You end up, you know, not being very careful about what you’re ingesting.”

Rodriguez added: “I am sorry for my Texas years. I apologize to the fans of Texas.”

Rodriguez, who joined the Yankees for the 2004 season after a trade from Texas, said his years as a Yankee “have been clean.”

“I’ve played the best baseball of my career since,” he said. “I’ve won two MVPs since and I’ve never felt better in my career. Of that I’m very proud of.”

And what do the Yankees have to say about this admission?

“We urged Alex to be completely open, honest and forthcoming in addressing his use of performance-enhancing drugs,” it read. “We take him at his word that he was. Although we are disappointed in the mistake he spoke to today, we realize that Alex — like all of us –is a human being not immune to fault.

“We speak often about the members of this organization being part of a family, and that is never more true than in times of adversity. Alex took a big step by admitting his mistake, and while there is no condoning the use of performance-enhancing drugs, we respect his decision to take accountability for his actions. We support Alex, and we will do everything we can to help him deal with this challenge and prepare for the upcoming season.”

*waves hand*  I have a couple of questions?

But wait, there’s more…

I’ve purposefully held off on writing about this because I wanted to see how it played out, and now I have my answer…Olympic swimming champ Michael Phelps, caught on camera attached to a bong as long as his forearm, has been disciplined by USA Swimming and has lost a major sponsor:

The Olympic swimming sensation Michael Phelps, who was photographed inhaling from a marijuana pipe, has lost a major sponsorship deal and has been suspended from competition for three months.

Kellogg, the food company, said Thursday that it would not renew its contract with Phelps when their deal expires at the end of February. It would not disclose the value of its contract.

Later Thursday, USA Swimming suspended Phelps for three months.

“Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg,” Susanne Norwitz, a spokeswoman for the company, said in a statement.

USA Swimming publicly reprimanded Phelps, who won eight medals at the Beijing Games, temporarily withdrawing its financial support to him and barring him from competition through early May. Phelps receives a monthly stipend of $1,750 from the organization. The national and world championships will be held in the summer.

“We decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and hero,” the organization said in a statement.

Phelps’s agent, Drew Johnson, also released a statement, saying that Phelps accepted and understood the decisions. “He feels bad he let anyone down,” the statement said. “He’s also encouraged by the thousands of comments he’s received from his fans and the support from his many sponsors. He intends to work hard to regain everyone’s trust.”

Darryl Seibel, a spokesman for the United States Olympic Committee, said Thursday that U.S.O.C. officials were willing to work with Phelps to ensure that he does not repeat his misstep. [...]

As it stands, Phelps’s actions have already put a dent into his sponsorship spoils, which some marketing experts say could reach $100 million in his lifetime.

It’s also being speculated that he might now pull out of the 2012 Olympics:

“This is a decision of mine that I’m not going to make it today and I’m not going to make tomorrow,” Phelps told the Baltimore Sun.

“It’s going to require a lot of time and energy and a lot of thinking for myself – but also talking to (my coach Bob Bowman) and talking to my family and just deciding what I want to do.”

And then there was the apology offered after that little DUI back in 2004:

Wicomico County District Court Judge Lloyd O. Whitehead accepted an agreement between Phelps’ attorneys and prosecutors and granted Phelps probation before judgment. The sentence means Phelps’ record will be expunged if he complies with the terms of probation.

“I recognize the seriousness of this mistake. I’ve learned from this mistake and will continue learning from this mistake for the rest of my life,” Phelps told the judge as more than 100 spectators packed the courtroom, mostly to see the famed Olympic champion.

Which sounds remarkably similar to the apology offered just a few days ago concerning this latest slip-up:

“It’s something I am going to have to live with and something I’ll have to grow from,” Phelps told The Associated Press outside the pool where he trains. “I know with all of the mistakes I made, I learned from them and that is what I expect to do from this. By no means it is fun for me, by no means is it easy.”

And he was described as being quite out-of-control at the party where the photo was taken…although, one must take into account the tabloid style of the paper and the possibility that the person offering info was trying to give them their money’s worth.  But then again, you never truly know the private life of a public figure.

But wait, there’s more…

Of course, I’m old enough to remember the original, which makes it even funnier. 

Coca-Cola adds life…have a Coke and a…SMILE!

The Pittsburgh Steelers (my pick) ultimately emerged victorious, but HUGE props to the Arizona Cardinals for making it a game.  Kurt Warner is the man who got my son interested in football, so he was a sentimental favorite for me.  I would have been happy either way.

I thought I was going to have a heartattack during that last five minutes.  GREAT game.

What did you think of the game?

We try not to acknowledge fame drop-out Jessica Simpson too often, it merely encourages her, and honestly, encouragement is the LAST thing she needs. But alas, sometimes Jess’ ability to draw unwanted attention to herself goes above and beyond, and even we can’t look the other way.

So, what did Jessica Simpson do besides wear that unfortunate ensemble, which also included a pair of “mom” jeans? Well, she spouted off at the mouth about her equally moronic boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo, whose career has taken a nosedive since she came into his life. Like we’ve said before, Jessica is an albatross, a bad omen, a curse upon the land. Oh, and she’s now relegated to singing at chili cookoffs (to be fair, there were 30,000 people there).

First the ensemble. Jessica is a pretty girl, there’s no doubt, but she’s also what Judd Nelson as John Bender from the great film The Breakfast Club would call a “Claire.” When Claire (played by the original firecrotch, Molly Ringwald) says, “I’m not fat,” Bender explains, “Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at ‘em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh…”

Yeah, so that describes Jessica, and I have found through empirical research that the more she blabs about her current love interest (for now, Tony Romo) the fatter she gets. Now, I have no problem if Jessica Simpson wants to be all puffy and bloated, that’s her business. But if she is going to get up on stage and sing at a chili cookoff wearing that redonkulous outfit, well then it becomes MY business.

But wait, there’s more…