Time to take a break from the CoS. Glosslip reported Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy bassist, Pete Wentz) are not only engaged, but also pregnant. We expressed both our disgust at the poor example they are setting for their fans (it’s not like birth control isn’t available in Hollywood) and the fact that they are disgusting attention whores.

Apparently, since her appearance in SNL, when she showed her lip-sync skills were lacking, Ashlee has spent her time getting knocked up, not working on her vocals.

Don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just keepin’ it real.

This is dumb as hell, but I just couldn’t resist.

Any self-respecting celebrity would ignore a tabloid magazine making false claims about them being dumped, but not that glamorous albatross Jessica Simpson. Hells No! Jessica did NOT get dumped by Tony Romo and she has sicked her lawyers all over OK! Magazine for saying otherwise.

What.Ev.Er! Everyone knows tabloid magazines make up half the crap they write anyway. They’re not in it for the journalistic integrity. Ok! Magazine doesn’t care about facts, investigative reporting, libel, slander or over-the-top B.S. They care about selling magazines. All they have to say is “sources reveal exclusively to Ok!, that such and so, did such and such.” And it’s up to the consumer of said magazine to discern what sounds reasonable and what doesn’t.

Here’s the cease and desist letter from Jess’ lawyers to Ok! Magazine.

I will spare you the legal mumbo jumbo, essentially it says Ok!’s mean, they make sh*t up, they can’t back it with any verifiable sources, and they suck. I can’t say as I disagree, but to put too fine a point on it really draws WAY more attention to a story no one cares about anyway.

So Tony didn’t dump Jessica, YET. Rest assured, at some time in the near future he will, because let’s face it, Papa Joe is an annoying, creepy, interfering celeb-pimp who uses his little girls to boost his ego and line his pockets. He’s the one Ok! should be publicly dragging through the mud, not his two goofy kids.

I don’t normally talk about John Mayer, his blog, which big-titted starlet he’s boinking or any other manner of inconsequential nonsense. This is a serious blog, not some frivolous site where we scrawl little penises next to people’s mouths. Plus, I am not good at Photoshop.

Anyway, I saw this story and had to respond because I think it’s really sweet John felt compelled to stick up for his former paramour Jessica Simpson, as she continues to her reign of cursing all whom she comes in contact with until they wise up and move on. Then somehow, their career’s soar. Weird.

As we all know, the Dallas Cowboys lost their bid for the Super Bowl title when they were beaten by the NY Giants. It is likely the Cowboys would have lost anyway, because these things happen, but as it stands, their quarterback Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson and they’ve been on a losing streak since she showed up and Sunday was no different.

Cowboy fans and Texas people alike have maligned the poor girl and John spoke up on her behalf on his blog:

But wait, there’s more…

Jessica Simpson, recently separated from her main squeeze John Mayer, is now spouting philosophical musings, reading books and apparently following around A-list actors who promote ecological responsibility.

Page Six is reporting that Jessica was seen following The Departed star Leonardo DiCaprio around while sailing on a private yacht during her visit to Cannes:

Jessica Simpson was at an exclusive party on a private yacht after the Vanity Fair party at the Hotel Du Cap Saturday night, but she wasn’t fitting in with fellow guests. The part-time girlfriend of John Mayer “spent the whole night following Leonardo DiCaprio around like a lost puppy,” said our source. “He just seemed freaked out and kind of ignored her.” Simpson’s rep could not be reached.

And if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, Jessica recently posted this glimmering gem of wisdom on her official website:

I just got back from spending some time in Europe, and while I was there I visited many museums, and have been reading about different artists. I have also been writing a lot in my journal recently. I was reading a book about Michelangelo and there were 2 quotes that caught my attention - “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

These quotes inspired me to write the below passage. I hope you can find your own individual meaning in it, as I keep coming back to it and find new strength

“Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we’ve mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this… What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action? Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better? I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I’ve discovered somewhere worth traveling to… In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I’m left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity. There is no discovery.”

This is just sad, Jess’ clearly trying hard to change our perception of her and makes us see her a whole new light.  She became a brunette, she dated an earthy crooner and now she’s reading books, but the dim bulb within continues to flicker and fade. I feel sorry for her. Jessica seems sweet enough, but clearly she wasn’t as gifted in the brains department as she was the breasts department. 

This happens sometimes.  It’s called balance.  Our great creator in his infinite wisdom, rarely sees fit to grant us all we need to be a “whole package.” This is why supermodels are usually stupid and/or b*tches, smart women aren’t always the prettiest, why jocks are often inarticulate troglodytes, bloggers are fat and bitter and Jessica Simpson has naturally huge knockers and not a brain betwixt her enormous ears.   She should embrace the “assets” she was given and work that angle.  It’s what I like to call living an “adequite” and “authentic” life.

There are exceptions of course, Milla Jovovich is a supermodel who is both smart and nice, Natalie Portman is quite pretty and highly intelligent, Michael Jordan is capable of intelligent conversation and can wipe the court with yo’ ass, and of couse there’s Scarlett Johansson who has a spectacular and natural rack, plus reads books and stuff.  

And as for bloggers — well I am the exception not the rule — for not only am a blogger who was  granted with searing insight and worldly wisdom, but also vast beauty (and sadly a small rack and a big butt - so it all works out in the end.) 

AND I AM NOT BITTER ABOUT IT!

Insiders (Rush and Molloy) are reporting that Jessica Simpson’s dad wants to take a crack at re-inventing the troubled popstar Britney Spears.

According to an inside source, Joe Simpson is considering managing Spears’ career, or what’s left of it, just as he has done for Jessica and her sister, Ashlee. The former Baptist minister even tried to set up a meeting over the weekend with Spears, our source attests - though Jessica’s rep Cindi Berger denies it.

Seeing as how he’s done such a great job with his daughters Jessica and Ashlee, sure, why not. Go for it dude. Maybe you can hook her up with that other kid you were helping, Lane Garrison. You know the one who went on a coke and alchohol bender with some underage kids and killed one in a car crash. Yeah, Joe, you are a freaking genius of epic proportions.

Let’s see:

You ruined Jessica’s marriage to Nick Lachey by foisting them into the spotlight at the beginning of their marital life. How did that turn out? Oh yeah, in divorce with both their lives in shambles. The good news is, Nick, perhaps the most mediocre singer on the planet had a hit album. What about Jessica? Wait, her album was a flop, but she’s dating modern day crooner John Mayer and has turned super-fug.

You advised Ashlee to lip-synch on live TV and almost completely destroyed her career in the process. Please tell me you didn’t have anything to do with this whole Pete Wentz thing? Because nothing says, “I’m a hot young starlet” like dating a guy who admits to being a makeout bandit with guys. Wow, that’s what I call a ringing endorsement.

And now, you want to help Britney Spears back on her road to stardom? She’d have a better chance with Rasputin running her career and getting styling tips from Marilyn Manson. No, seriously, that’s a good idea. Get Rasputin on the horn.

Joe, sit down, shut up, go away and keep to leching on your own daughters you creepy egomanical loon. Britney can handle ruining her career all by herself, she doesn’t need you accelerating the process.

You know how they say once a girl gets herself a man, she really lets herself go?  Well I think that pretty much applies to Jessica Simpson. 

I tried to ignore that fake tan.  I tried to ignore the poorly executed hair color (which makes the tan look AWFUL), I even tried to ignore the general feeling that she’s given up trying to look good - but I cannot and will not forget the above photo.  There’s no excuse to not keep her girls underwraps.  What, she’s doesn’t own a mirror?

Anway, this story about Jess and her main peen John Mayer on vacation in Rome made me want to throw up:

“Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn’t get to sleep for a long time. “This woman was saying she couldn’t believe Jessica sounded like she was getting it on so loudly in the room next door.”

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, please keep your weird sex stuff to your damn self, that means your freaky noises and attention-getting moaning.  People only do that because they WANT people to hear them.  Spare me!

And then there’s this Daily News blind item revealed at IDLYITW :

Which blond bombshell, on a recent visit to Rome, became ill and soiled her bedsheets so badly that the hotel mattress had to be replaced? “Also, she and [her boyfriend] have a reputation for really dirty sex,” says a snitch.

Look sh*t happens to everyone.  I one time had what had to be the Ebola virus and crapped in my pants at work.  Needless to say, not a high point in my career, but at least no one had to replace my chair.  It takes a lot of fluid to ruin an entire mattress.  Trust me, I have kids, I know.