So here it is sweeties. Your play by play of Friday’s Oprah Interview with Tom Cruise. I should state for the record that in general, I tend to be sympathetic of Oprah. She’s not perfect and she has, I think, lousy taste in reading material, but I’ve always liked her and she reminds me of my stepmother, so I tend to cut her slack. However, she managed to break the bonds of my patience this time, although she had the help of Mr. Cruise.

From the start of the interview it was like some nightmarish Robin Leach “When Wealthy Folk Visit Each Other”. Both Katie and Tom were on hand to welcome The Oprah and guide her in to “the mudroom”, where Chez Cruise had provided Oprah with her own brass plated cubby with her own monogrammed slippers to wear around the house. “Let me know if these aren’t comfortable,” says Tom. “I can always get you something else,” which somehow brings to mind a sweatshop in back full of pre-clears busily sewing Oprah labels on the back of an infinite number of slippers. Katie gives her totally authentic sounding contractually obligated “I love you” before leaving to “take the kids into town”.

Others have commented on Oprah’s somewhat tacky obsession, possibly even mania, with money and expensive things. Girlfriend is always bringing up the Benjamins, and not necessarily to her credit. Anyone remember the time she interviewed Anderson Cooper, whose old money mom Gloria Vanderbilt was in the audience, and she started going on about how she’s always impressed by people who don’t have to work who do make something of themselves? You could just see that Cooper was so appalled and mortified. It was a car crash of old money and the nouveau riche.

I’m afraid this unseemly aspect of her personality was in full force. First, she walks in to the huge spotless multi-jillion dollar kitchen which is possibly bigger than the average person’s home and says “It’s just SO NORMAL and kitchen like!” and then proceeds to compliment the wood paneled refrigerator. Show of hands of everyone out there with their fridge paneled to match the rest of their solid oak kitchen. Later, when Tom is showing her all his scripts, which he’s had leather bound, she becomes almost apoplectic over how much he could get for these on eBay, which she insists on repeating multiple times. It was not attractive.

Possibly my favorite moment of “When Wealthy Folk Visit Each Other” comes after visiting the gym, the toy wing, the spotless kitchen and then the dining room, Oprah tells Tom why she loves his home, and this is a direct quote: “[it’s] so earthy and so simple…Oh! There’s the photo that Annie Liebowitz did [of TomKat & Suri for Vanity Fair]”. Uh, yeah. I’m not going to ask for a show of hands for how many of you have an Annie Liebowitz portrait of yourselves on your earthy, simple dining room wall.

Lots of other sites offer a play by play of “the Interview” that follows. Oprah does bring up the “tough” questions, though you get the sense that Tom had received a list of them weeks before hand. As I watched the interview, I realized something about the way Cruise handles interviews which I’ve never witnessed so clearly before. Cruise has two ways of answering questions. Well, technically three.

One is to recite a very carefully rehearsed anecdote which has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Hence we get him telling the (highly suspicious) sounding story of how he himself carefully waxed the floor so his socks would slide for that shot in Risky Business, and later the oh so cute story about how he dressed up like Santa but his genius daughter Suri saw through his sham immediately.

The second similar way he has of answering questions is to repeat a carefully rehearsed sound bite. Thus he repeatedly said in answer to the Oprah Q&A about Brooke Shields “It came out wrong” and “It should be up to the parents”. Since we’re talking about Tom accusing Brooke of ruining her career by taking anti-depressants, and no one said a darn thing about giving drugs to kids, it sounded really weird.

The third way he had of answering questions is to simply repeat the question he’s just been asked in the form of a statement. “Were you surprised?” “Oh…yeah…I was totally…you know…surprised….absolutely surprised.” “Were you prepared [for the crazy fame that followed Risky Business]? I mean, how could you be?” “Oh, no, no, of course not….how could anyone be…prepared” God, I wanted to slap him myself through the TV, and though I haven’t been giving Oprah credit for much in this dog and pony show, I do give her credit for not smacking him.

He declined to say anything substantive about Scientology except “I think it’s best for people to read about it for themselves,” and then quickly reassured the world that respect for other religions is an absolute tenant of faith for Scientology, and OF COURSE he believes in God. I was particularly interested in how he handled Oprah’s questions about whether he was preventing Nicole from having access to the children. He described their relationship as “good, easy”, and “we share custody, that’s what we do.” Then, in case we didn’t get that, he said again that they “share custody, whenever”. So, whenever what? Whenever Nicole makes up her mind to move back to LA and stops behaving like a Suppressive Person?

Honestly, it’s hard to tell sometimes if Cruise is a lousy liar or just a lousy interview. Perhaps it’s the same difference. I have no doubt that he’ll be totally controlled and perfect for Monday’s chapter in front of a live audience, especially since the whole point of the show is to laud him for a movie which most people barely remember from twenty five years ago. Yay! Let’s pretend we all care! Yay!

I don’t think I can bear to watch it. Best of luck to you if you manage!!

[Above is a guest post from KT at Populucious, please visit often, and thx KT]

VS.

The only thing more unsavory than writing about celebs, is writing about sites who write about celebs. It’s a well known fact (at least to us) that Glosslip thinks Gawker is force-fed on over-priced wine and cheap pate. Just because they own a thesaurus, this has somehow given them the impression they are cooler than the rest of us “hacks.” The reality is, their parading themselves around like the school valedictorian is just a sham to cover up for the fact, that they like all of us in this business, want to be the slutty cheerleader who gets to toss off the quarterback. It’s a blog eat blog world.

Some background to this sissy-fight. TMZ, the brain-child of Harvey Levin did something tasteless yesterday, and this got Gawker all in a tizzy. The original post has been edited, but according to Gawker, TMZ reported American Idol finalist Elliot Yamin’s mother died, and they used the opportunity to make a tasteless joke. Gawker says:

“They made fun of someone’s dead mother. In a piece posted yesterday afternoon they wrote: “The mother of ‘American Idol’ contestant Elliott Yamin died last night in Richmond, Va. She was 65.

 Claudette Yamin had been hospitalized over the weekend…
Yamin finished in 3rd place in 2006 on ‘Idol,’ behind Katharine McPhee and Taylor Hicks — who, like Mrs. Yamin, will never be heard from again.” Commenters were upset in their usual thoughtful, Socratic way and TMZ eventually acknowledged the thoughtless remarks toward the end of the day. Mind you I say “acknowledged,” not “apologized for.”

Yep, that’s tacky. Then again, this is tabloid journalism, decorum is a rarity. Gawker postulates on why they are in fact BETTER than TMZ:

You know what’s funny about TMZ? No, I’m… uh, I’m actually asking. The site is so screechy and repugnant that I always have to click away before I can remember to look for anything remotely amusing. The way they eagerly roll around in pop shit and gleefully smear it everywhere, because it’s so campy and naughty, reminds me of the dumb queens from high school and their haggish friends who would shriek and think they were hysterical because they said “cum dumpster.” I can find nothing entertaining or redeeming in any of the site’s content. It’s all just base and poorly written and arbitrarily amoral. I’m just as complicit in the whole awful celebrity-industrial complex as they are, but good god let’s try to have a little style while we ruin people’s lives, eh? Shut this thing down, please. Oh, and the wretched TV show too. There is no reason to see and hear Harvey Levin and his army of smug little shits every goddamn day.

They easily could have reported the debased incident and left it at that, then again, Gawker really is the tattle-tailing type. When I picture Gawker in my head, (really a collective of writers) I picture the class suck-up who does extra-credit to boost their already weighted 4.25 GPA to cover up for the fact they masturbate constantly to pictures of Hillary Clinton (old school style). You just know they were the kid the teacher put in charge when she left the room, and while everyone else was drawing penises and boobs on the chalkboard, they were taking detailed notes to hand in assuring detentions for everyone. Lulzkillers, that’s Gawker.

Maybe it’s a NY vs. LA thing, but there’s something very ironic and sort of sad when a site which prides itself on being some sort of intellectual standard for “tabloid” journalism starts wagging its finger at the trouble-makers.

Not only is Gawker not qualitatively different from TMZ, both shoving and pushing to bring you their own brand of tawdriness, but with Gawker you are forced to swallow the stagnant air of pretentiousness they blanket their reporting with.

At least TMZ doesn’t pretend to be something more than they are: a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray. Whereas Gawker thinks if you dress it up with sprig of parsley you suddenly have yourself a picnic al fresco.

Hey, does that make Glosslip a palette cleanser?

If you are an Ethan Hawke fan, I recommend you close your browser now, because this won’t be pretty.

Ehthan Hawke and his children’s nanny, Ryan Shawhughes (who’s now pregnant with his child) have been shacking up for a while now, and some (most, actually ALL) people are sure he was dipping into the help, well before the ink was dry on his divorce with ex-wife Uma Thurman.

This, after reported rumors of his marriage being ruined by an alleged affair with aspiring model Jen Perzow. Ethan denies the rumors, but Uma’s alluded to there being some kind of infidelity in the marriage and has said in interviews that her divorce was an “excrucitating” process. Thurman has also said she and Hawke do NOT get along, despite having two children from their union.

So with this history presented, we have a new story where Ethan behaved in a horrific manner recently, ON STAGE, and said some unspeakable things about his ex. Here are the details from New York Magazine’s Savannah Ashour:

Out of nowhere, actor Ethan Hawke hopped up onstage, strapped on an acoustic guitar and bared his soul to the audience. “Someone I know wrote this song while shooting a movie in Paris during his divorce,” he said. We, along with the rest of the audience, gasped. He was totally talking about himself, and more important, Uma Thurman!

Wait, but didn’t they get divorced seventeen years ago? Who cares, we said to ourselves, because by the way, Ethan looks good. He proceeded to sing a ditty that included lyrics about “not caring if [he] ever saw New York again,” “the lawyers,” and — most telling — “my wife.” Uma! “My wife hates me,” he sang, adding something about how she would call him a prick, how he longed to send for his children, tralalala singing stuff. We were intoxicated, both with beverages and with memories of Dead Poets Society. And then! “My wife is a big fat beast,” he sang. We gasped, along with the rest of the audience. He called Uma fat! In public! Sheepishly, Hawke broke his musicianly stride: “Yeah, I was very upset at the time.” And still is, we suspect.

Where to begin? Yes, Ethan your wife hates you, and yes you are a prick, and a very small, shallow, unfaithful, stupid, ignorant and clearly very immature pointy headed prick. If you really longed for your kids maybe you should conduct yourself in a more respectable manner than screwing anything that stops long enough for you to hump it, like some nobody model and the woman who was supposed to be baby-sitting your kids, not schtooping you.

Also, not sure what universe you live in Ethan, but Uma has never, ever, not once been a “big fat beast.” An uber-tall, lanky, unique looking woman yes, but a big fat beast? I think not. We’re all sorry you are short Ethan, and lack the foresight in not anticipating your ex-wife ’s less than stellar reaction to you cheating on her, but seriously, STFU!

We get it, it sucks to be you, Ethan. A craggy-faced, hardened, has-been who got his nanny pregnant and thus must deal with the consequences, but don’t take it out on Uma.

You better hope Uma doesn’t use one of her Kill Bill moves on you and crack you the nuts, forever giving you that pained expression you wear in all your pictures since she dumped your cheating ass.

Sore loser.

After almost a year, comedian Eddie Murphy has still not seen his newest offspring:

[Lawyer Gloria] Allred didn’t comment on the Enquirer’s report that a source close to Eddie claims he and Mel only slept with each other three times during their relationship, or that she told him she was on birth control. However, the powerhouse attorney exclusively told us that regardless of the couple’s past, “I think it’s sad and inexcusable that Mr. Murphy chooses to punish his baby by refusing to visit her or be involved emotionally or in person in her life. It’s shocking that he continues to refuse to be involved with his daughter and that he has intentionally missed the precious first year of her innocent life.”

Oh ugh.  Gloria Allred.  I really can’t stand that woman.  Can she shut up now?  No, it isn’t sad, it’s probably the best thing for that little girl.

A few months ago, Mel B was apparently fighting depression because of Eddie’s refusal to visit his daughter:

Spice Girl Melanie Brown is battling depression because ex-boyfriend Eddie Murphy is refusing to visit their daughter, Angel.

Scary Spice’s lawyer Gloria Allred reveals the singer is desperate for 6-month-old Angel to have a father figure in her life — but the actor reportedly wants to play no part in her upbringing.

It would seem the plan from Eddie’s point of view is to wait until the baby is older and see her then, although that is a convenient way of putting it off indefinitely:

Although Eddie accepts that Angel is his daughter, he has said that he won’t see the little girl, because he doesn’t want to set eyes on Mel.

A source said: “He says he will have to wait until Angel is older before he can get to know her without any interference from her mother.”

Secrets behind the couple’s doomed three-month fling have been revealed in legal papers in which Eddie, 46, states that Mel allegedly asked him for a $9million (£4.5million) house, plus living expenses for 18 years in exchange for her silence while she was pregnant.

But Eddie baulked at the demands and it is claimed he has since refused to see the baby and the Spice Girl.

You know…Mel B needs to just realize that Donkey has absolutely no interest in anything other than himself.  He is not going to be visiting his daughter any time soon, if ever, and the sooner she can come to terms with that the better off both she and her daughter will be.

Eddie doesn’t seem like the sort of role model one would want for one’s daughter, but then again maybe that thought should have occurred to Scary Spice before they did the nasty.  Eddie, for his part, has always claimed that Mel tricked him into getting her pregnant.  But the last time I checked, we are responsible for ourselves, and there’s no reason for Eddie not to have taken birth control matters into his own, um, hands.

Of course, we do have to take into account that the blood was not flowing to his brain, so he obviously wasn’t thinking straight.  Wait…does that explain his whole personality?

However, Mel isn’t exempt from her share of the blame here.  We obviously don’t know the details of the birth control situation (and it all boils down to he-said/she-said anyway), but the last time I checked it takes two to tango, and if there were any questions about it then the answer to sex would have had to be a no.  Plus, if she did indeed try to take him to the cleaners over this, and if she did purposefully get pregnant just to take his money (how last century), then she needs her own reality check, and I ain’t talking about one you get from a TV show.  I’m not so sure she did the latter, but I don’t have much of a problem believing the former.

So basically, you’ve got two people who don’t seem to have their priorities straight, fighting about a baby.  If I were Angel, I’d ask Gloria to get me a new set of parents altogether, these two are malfunctioning.

Mel, a little advice.  It is better to have no father in your child’s life than a bad one.  A reluctant and hostile father, angry at the mother, can be one of the worst influences on a child that there can be.  Find a good father figure for your daughter (um, hello, perhaps your husband…if you thought enough about him to marry him, then you should believe is is good father material, right?), let him take over that role, and move on with your life.  It would be the best thing you could ever do for her.

You may remember my article on the divorce of rocker chick Pink and motocross champ Carey Hart.  Or maybe not, and that’s okay…my special kind of wit isn’t appreciated by everyone.  So I ran across this little interview that Carey gave, and by the time I finished reading it, I had to ask myself:  Why did they bother?

For the first time, freestyle motocross champion Carey Hart has lifted the veil of silence on the breakup of his marriage to pop-punk princess Pink. Our tattooed hometown hero admitted that they’re still the best of friends and he’s in no hurry to start dating again! […]

Carey told me when we chatted at the opening of Robert DeNiro’s new Ago restaurant in the Hard Rock Hotel: “In fact, it’s too early to go off dating again. Anyway, I have no real interest in that. She is still the love of my life and we remain the best of friends and talk all the time.”

Now, if you remember, Pink and her STBX had what they call an “open marriage”…that’s where the two parties keep the bedroom door open so that anyone can wander in and out.  But while Pink was rethinking this approach (and wanting to add a couple of little Pinkies to the mixture), Carey was busy testing out the limitations of the open-door policy.  And even Pink decided to test the waters with a mystery female, plus she’s been spotted having a bit of fun of her own:

Sitting on the lap of a new man last night, Pink, 28, seemed to be really enjoying herself at Hollywood’s infamous Metal Skool at the Key Club. The duo got superclose and exchanged numbers at the end of the night, in between her performances with the band.

And they also have said that their careers got in the way:

The downfall of the marriage came as a result of careers getting in the way. P!nk has headed back to the studio to work on her music, while Carey is busy opening new nightclubs.

So lemme get this straight.

• Pink and Carey fell in love and got married.
• Pink and Carey decided that an “open” marriage would be best, since Pink was gone so much on tour and she didn’t want Carey to be lonely.
• Pink decided she wanted little Pinkies, Carey decided not so much.
• Pink is busy with her career.
• Carey is busy with his career.
• Pink and Carey decided they were just too busy to be married to each other.
• Pink and Carey decided to get a divorce.
• Pink and Carey are “best friends” and the love of each other’s lives and they talk “all the time”.

Um…HELLO?  If someone is the love of your life and you talk all the time and you’re already married…why bother getting a divorce?  Or if you’re going to not take the time to work at your marriage and blame it on “I’m just too busy,” why bother to get married in the first place?  And since when does “too busy” count as a reason to dissolve the marital bonds?

Marriage is like a tattoo.  Once you get it, even if you get it removed, even if you can’t see it, it’s always there.  Unless, of course, you just don’t bother to pay attention.  After all, what’s a few marriage scars between best friends?

According to People, Jennifer Lopez has registered at baby boutique Petit Tresor, and she has a wish list of things for her little bebés gemelos as long as her jewel-encrusted, impeccably manicured arm:

Following in the footsteps of Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez called upon the experts at Hollywood favorite baby boutique Petit Tresor. The new mom opened a lengthy registry and had owners Nina and Sam help her design fabulous nurseries for the arrival of her twins! So what’s in store for the twins? J.Lo will keep her new baby boy wrapped in a cashmere cardigan, hat and bootie pants from Baby Cz, $279 and, of course, a matching pink set, $279, for the new fashionista of the family. The two newest members of the Anthony-Lopez clan will also have a set of Plain Mary’s Hunk and Babe onesies, $169. For the nursery, the twins will dream away in Chelsea Sleigh cribs, $1390 each while Mom and Dad relax in Glam Gliders $1,420 each. And when they need changing, the twins will have a Clara changing table, $1780. And why give up gorgeous handbags just because diapers are involved? Check out Jennifer’s Italian leather and snake skin trim Mia Bossi diaper bag, $1250.

[for the record, I didn’t find a Mia Bossi leather diaper bag at the site, but I did find this Italian leather and snakeskin trim bag, $1250]

Um…HELLO?  You have got to be kidding me.  Cashmere sweaters, $170 onesies, $1400 baby cribs, leather and snakeskin diaper bags?  You can get onesies at Wal-Mart, five in a pack for nine bucks.  At Target, you can get a really pretty sleigh bed for less than $400, and that’s one of the most expensive ones offered there.  And when I left the hospital, they gave me a free diaper bag, and they even filled it with goodies.  Granted, it wasn’t Italian leather, but it looked kind of like fabric and it cleaned up really easily when the poopy diapers leaked.

And that’s one of my points.  These. Are. BABIES.  What do babies do?  They eat, sleep, cry, poop, pee, spit up, and generally lay around like lumps while making as large a mess as possible from such a tiny little creature.  They can go through several outfits a day when they’re really little, what with spit up and runny yellow diapers, and it gets worse when they get to be toddlers and start feeding themselves (or wanting to, anyway) and running around the house finding all sorts of things to get into.  What is the point of dressing the tots in $300 outfits when they are going to puke all over them?  It sounds to me like it’s the parents showing off the size of their egos.  After all, stuff like that just plays to the egos of the parents…the baby could care less if it is wearing a onesie from a ritzy boutique or one from Wal-Mart.

And here’s another point.  If Jennifer’s friends really wanted to be so “helpful”, then they should save their money and definitely NOT buy Jennifer and Marc anything.  After all, these two have enough money to go buy their own baby clothes and furnishings (maybe they could use some of that $6M they’re getting from whoring out their kids to People).  It’s a waste and an abomination.

I say, instead of spending $300 on a cashmere set, their friends should take that same $300 (or any other amount they’d spend on overpriced baby bling gifts for Jennifer and Marc the babies) and donate it to a shelter for abused and battered women and children, or to a children’s charity, or to a home for abandoned infants and children.  It would go to much better use than giving it to a greedy, narcissistic, egotistical, out-of-touch-with-reality diva.

And that goes for all the other greedy celebutard parents as well.

Jamie Lynn Spears (not dad Jamie nor mom Lynne…seriously, don’t they have baby books down there in Louisiana?) has completed another step of her education (she already passed Sex Ed) and passed her GED:

The 16-year-old pregnant star of Zoey 101 was seen studying for the exam last month and has expressed interest in attending Louisiana State University.

“I haven’t thought anything about what I might study,” she has said. “I’ll have to look more into that. But if I went anywhere, I think it would be fun to go to LSU.”

Hey, y’all, can you get me a dorm room with a nursery?  Because there’s this baby…

Oh wait, she’s going to give the baby to her mom to raise.  Becuase her mom did such a good job with her and her sister, don’t you know.

And it seems she’s having some, um, issues with being pregnant:

Various internet news websites report that the Zoey 101 star is in serious denial about her delicate state and, rather worryingly, is also having severe body-image issues.

Jamie Lynn’s state of mind is said to have got so bad, her mother, Lynne, supposedly jetted across the country to be by her side after Jamie screamed at her down the phone, saying: “I’m not pregnant!”

So far gone is Spears’ denial, she’s said to be “trying to go about her life as she always did,” says an insider. “She still hangs out until late at night and eats junk food.” […]

The craziest and lamest tidbit of all has to be the claim that a friend supposedly joked at a party that he liked Jamie Lynn’s “sexy new curves” - ’twas a compliment that sent Spears into a spin as she snapped back, “Shut up!”

Star magazine reports that Spears then turned to a female companion and said, “I hate my body!”

“Jamie Lynn is having severe body image issues,” adds the insider. “For the past few years, she’s been this cute little TV star. Now she sees herself ballooning - and she can’t handle it.”

Um…HELLO?  Welcome to reality, Jamie Lynn.  This is what happens when little girls try to grow up too fast.  Unfortunately, it seems (from everything I’ve read) that she’s not quite ready for motherhood, since it’s been said she’s basically handing off the baby to her mother once it is born.  Gotta resume the fun life!

Seriously, I applaud her on getting her GED (which, I think, is more than her sister has…correct me if I’m wrong).  But it’s clear she still has the mindset of a typical 16-year-old.  I’m not saying at all that you can’t be a single mom and go to college (lots of women have successfully done it, and without the money that Jamie Lynn has to hire nannies and support and pay for tuition without having to work too).  But I am saying that she will have a baby, and I hope she doesn’t just dump Little Jamie Junior off on meemaw and run off to party.  It seems that she just doesn’t realize how much of a life-changing event having a baby can be…of course, she is only sixteen, which unfortunately is old enough to have adult sex but too young to comprehend the consequences.

Time to pay the piper.  But I’m sure she can do that with the millions she’ll get from the exclusive baby photo deal I’m sure her so-called mother has in the works.

And another one bites the dust.

Add rocker Pink and her motocross hubby Carey Hart to the list of Hollywood marriages doomed to fail because of that old chestnut, Two Careers.  Guess that whole “open marriage” thing (while the cat’s away, the mouse can play…or something like that) didn’t work out so well after all:

Sources close to Carey Hart tell TMZ that the motocrosser is telling people that he and his ex still love each other and “will remain best friends.” The downfall of the marriage came as a result of careers getting in the way. P!nk has headed back to the studio to work on her music, while Carey is busy opening new nightclubs.

TMZ has also learned that Hart is opening the first of his new brainchildren — a spot called “Wasted Space” — at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas in May. The club will be a live music venue that will feature new rock bands — and music legends.

However, this might also have something to do with it:

Just days after Pink’s husband, Carey Hart, was spotted cavorting with a sexy VIP casino host during a debauched weekend in Las Vegas, the singer has announced that the couple are ending their two-year marriage. The split comes as no surprise, as there have been rumors for months that the celebrity couple was on the rocks. Although in August 2007, Carey dismissed the breakup rumors as “just a bunch of trash talk,” Pink’s publicist confirmed to PageSix.com that the couple is in fact divorcing. […]

A source — who was at Tabu Ultra Lounge at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas on February 11 with Carey — tells PageSix.com, “The sexy VIP host quickly became the focus of his attention when he arrived at the lounge and the duo were inseparable into the early hours of the morning. He couldn’t stop complimenting her and was intent on talking to her all night long.”

The “Stupid Girls” singer was also seen cavorting with a mystery female on February 7 at Macy Gray’s private showcase at Hotel Café in Los Angeles.

Apparently their occupations are cavorting (hey, both mentioned cavorting, at least they have that in common), focusing attention on people other than their spouse, complimenting, talking, heading to the studio, and opening nightclubs.  Wow, I can totally see how busy their lives are.  No wonder they couldn’t make a marriage work out…I can see, they definitely had no time for each other.

So you, middle America blue-collar worker, now you finally have a valid reason to get out of your marriage.  Both you and your spouse are working two jobs to try and make ends meet, you’re trying to take care of your children and make sure they have food to eat and clean clothes to wear, you’ve got to somehow fit in PTA meetings and kids’ doctor appointments (you don’t get any, no time for them) and grocery shopping and making sure the gas man is paid before he shows up to disconnect your only source of heat, you’re searching both you and your spouse’s work schedules so maybe you can snatch an hour or two together once every ten days or so, and you fall into bed exhausted every night (or morning), wondering just how you’re going to make it to the end of the week on the $7.42 left over out of your check and wishing your spouse was home for just a few minutes…now, you realize that it doesn’t matter that you’ve put twenty years of hard work into your marriage, it doesn’t matter that you’ve learned marriage is a series of compromises and values and commitment, and it definitely doesn’t matter that you can’t afford a divorce even if you wanted one (which you don’t, but everybody seems to be getting one, should you pick up an extra job to make sure you can afford it?).

Because, like a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, you can see that “busy” suddenly qualifies as grounds for divorce.  Um…HELLO?  Don’t you feel like a fool for spending all those wasted hours “talking it out” and “not going to bed until the argument is settled” and “compromising” and “taking time out for each other”?

I know I do.  I’m just so golly gosh-darned busy!  What’s Trope and Trope’s number, again?

Because you know they are going to need therapy after this little tidbit got out:

On being made fun of:
“Those are sort of formative experiences. I wouldn’t want my children to miss out on any of that teasing and bullying. Don’t you think it kind of makes you who you are — when you don’t make the soccer team?”

On kids today being overpraised:
“That’s the thing that drives me crazy about today: Everybody wins the award, everybody’s the MVP? No! They’re not, OK? I distinctly recall the two weeks of crying because I didn’t make the volleyball team. But it made me interesting, you know?”

No, Reese, it made you weird.

Are all parents in Hollywood crazy?  I actually kind of liked Reese until I read that.  I understand the point of not wanting to protect your kids from everything that comes down the pike, because that just produces kids who have a very warped view of life and what they feel it owes them.  As much as we as parents might want to, we can’t–nor is it healthy–to protect our children from everything.  And yes, I agree with the not every kid is an MVP part.  I mean, when they’re little, it’s one thing…everybody plays, everybody wins.  But by the time they get to teenage years, they should be well versed in the fact that not everybody can win, not everybody is cut out for every sport, and somebody has to lose.

However, while most parents recognize that a certain amount of bullying is inevitable, it isn’t something that is desirable.  We don’t want our kids to be bullied, and will even go so far as to stop those actions in some way, whether it be dealing with the other person in some way or teaching our kids ways of coping (and yeah, in my case that meant my dad teaching me how to defend myself).  And this is like comparing apples to puppies, because not making the soccer team is a far cry from bullying behavior…unless, of course, the bully is coaching the soccer team.  Yeah, run into a few of those.

What possesses people to say these things in public?  Um…HELLO?  Those kids are certainly going to get bullied now, because after all, it’s what their Mommy said she wanted.  And what’s she going to say when her kids get home and tell her about an incident?  “Well, honey, you’ll thank me for it later.  It builds character!”

Congratulations.  If your goal was to make sure your kids have a normal childhood, welcome to Fail.

Since I about killed myself last week delving into the artfully orchestrated and seemingly-sinister Church of Scientology, I had to take a break. That kind of evil overload will drain a person of their will to live. But clearly, ACTUALLY being a Scientologist, like the once-handsome, now-bizarre looking John Travolta, will genuinely suck the life, color and hair out of you.

Only to have it replaced with something even Xenu and L. Ron Hubbard wouldn’t approve of.

Scientology is NOT funny. But that thing on John Travolta’s head is. Why does he have two different colors of hair? Seriously, what is up?