If you are an Ethan Hawke fan, I recommend you close your browser now, because this won’t be pretty.

Ehthan Hawke and his children’s nanny, Ryan Shawhughes (who’s now pregnant with his child) have been shacking up for a while now, and some (most, actually ALL) people are sure he was dipping into the help, well before the ink was dry on his divorce with ex-wife Uma Thurman.

This, after reported rumors of his marriage being ruined by an alleged affair with aspiring model Jen Perzow. Ethan denies the rumors, but Uma’s alluded to there being some kind of infidelity in the marriage and has said in interviews that her divorce was an “excrucitating” process. Thurman has also said she and Hawke do NOT get along, despite having two children from their union.

So with this history presented, we have a new story where Ethan behaved in a horrific manner recently, ON STAGE, and said some unspeakable things about his ex. Here are the details from New York Magazine’s Savannah Ashour:

Out of nowhere, actor Ethan Hawke hopped up onstage, strapped on an acoustic guitar and bared his soul to the audience. “Someone I know wrote this song while shooting a movie in Paris during his divorce,” he said. We, along with the rest of the audience, gasped. He was totally talking about himself, and more important, Uma Thurman!

Wait, but didn’t they get divorced seventeen years ago? Who cares, we said to ourselves, because by the way, Ethan looks good. He proceeded to sing a ditty that included lyrics about “not caring if [he] ever saw New York again,” “the lawyers,” and — most telling — “my wife.” Uma! “My wife hates me,” he sang, adding something about how she would call him a prick, how he longed to send for his children, tralalala singing stuff. We were intoxicated, both with beverages and with memories of Dead Poets Society. And then! “My wife is a big fat beast,” he sang. We gasped, along with the rest of the audience. He called Uma fat! In public! Sheepishly, Hawke broke his musicianly stride: “Yeah, I was very upset at the time.” And still is, we suspect.

Where to begin? Yes, Ethan your wife hates you, and yes you are a prick, and a very small, shallow, unfaithful, stupid, ignorant and clearly very immature pointy headed prick. If you really longed for your kids maybe you should conduct yourself in a more respectable manner than screwing anything that stops long enough for you to hump it, like some nobody model and the woman who was supposed to be baby-sitting your kids, not schtooping you.

Also, not sure what universe you live in Ethan, but Uma has never, ever, not once been a “big fat beast.” An uber-tall, lanky, unique looking woman yes, but a big fat beast? I think not. We’re all sorry you are short Ethan, and lack the foresight in not anticipating your ex-wife ’s less than stellar reaction to you cheating on her, but seriously, STFU!

We get it, it sucks to be you, Ethan. A craggy-faced, hardened, has-been who got his nanny pregnant and thus must deal with the consequences, but don’t take it out on Uma.

You better hope Uma doesn’t use one of her Kill Bill moves on you and crack you the nuts, forever giving you that pained expression you wear in all your pictures since she dumped your cheating ass.

Sore loser.

Don’t you know how people are, nobody loves you when you’re down on the floor after you fell off your shoes because they’re stupid and everybody is laughing at you?  (My apologies to John Anderson)

Baby needs a new pair of shoes, but these are evidently for people with more money than brains:

The 5 1/2in creations by Briton Antonio Berardi can hardly be described as high heels, since they lack the most important part - a heel.

For the bargain price of £1,800, the wearer will get to totter around with all her weight balanced on a thickened platform sole.

Unsurprisingly, fashionistas are jostling to buy a pair.

Stars including Gwyneth Paltrow and Uma Thurman invested in a black patent version costing more than £1,100, shortly after they were unveiled in Berardi’s spring/summer collection in Paris.

And Victoria Beckham apparently has a snakeskin pair.

They are going on sale in Browns stores in London, where they have to be ordered up to five weeks in advance.

Lincolnshire-born Berardi, 39, said he was inspired by Latin American music and 1980s post-modernism, adding: “When you walk, it is almost on tiptoe. You look really dainty.”

Uhm, no you don’t.  You look like an idiot.

Maybe this explains the “dainty” appeal of the shoes:

A spokesman for his Paris-based fashion house said: “The shoe has a bigger platform sole which stretches back further than normal and gives support under the arch of the foot.

“When walking though, you have to put your toe rather than your heel down first and you cannot wear them for very long.

“They are not dangerous because you would have to lean quite far back before you fell over.”

A reminder…don’t drink and couture. 

Seriously…$3600 to traipse around on my tippietoes, with my foot bent into a position feet are not meant to be bent into, just for a pair of shoes?  No thanks…I’ll stick to my crocs.  At least my feet don’t hurt and I don’t have bunions the size of ostrich eggs.

Oh yeah…and at least I have a brain and know how to use it to be individual, instead of being a slave to every crazy fashion that clomps down the runway.