Look, I’m a woman, and I know what Lindsay’s doing with her eyes.  That is one intense look and it has nothing to do with Cinco de Mayo or Hold The Mayo or Pass The Miracle Whip (okay, maybe the last one, a little bit, as long as you aren’t out in the sun):

Lauren [Conrad] and Lo looked particularly sloppy and Lindsay, well….rumor is that she was trying to cozy up to Joel [Madden], despite having her weird non-girlfriend Samantha Ronson by her side.

Good night.  Is there anything walking with a penis that Lindsay won’t try to bonk?  Never mind that Joel is supposedly in a committed relationship with Nicole Ritchie and that he has a new baby at home…this girl is honing in on her prey.  I just hope he’s got some Germ-X in his pocket before he takes something home to Harlow.  Don’t let Nicole see this pic…she’ll kick his butt and then not eat for a month.  (No, I’m not trying to be mean.)

And shame all over Joel for ever allowing himself to get in that situation to start with.  He should know better than that.  Of course, it is Lindsay…I guess the alluring, musky scent of fake tanner and cigarettes is just too much for any red-blooded male to overcome.  So can he really be blamed for that goofy look on his face?  He’s just a man.  Just a mortal man.

I’ll bet “Top Mom“ Dina is so proud right now.  Happy Mother’s Day!

Yay!  The good news just keeps on a-comin’ for Britney.  Yesterday, she got the news that she’ll get more time with her sons:

Although an order giving Federline custody of 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James remains in place, attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan said Spears’ time with the children will gradually be extended.

He said that Federline is pleased with the agreement and that he and his attorneys feel that Spears has stabilized in the months after two hospitalizations this year.

“I think that consistency over time with respect to structure and stability is something that would be welcomed by Kevin and, I’m sure, recognized by the court at the appropriate time,” Kaplan said.

“The children are doing great. I think they’re doing really great. That’s the key question, and that’s what all this is about.”

Britney herself showed up at the courthouse and actually stayed this time, talking to the judge and generally not acting like a lunatic (of course, the fact that both Osmarmy bin Loopy and Anon Brazilianwax are completely out of the picture probably helped that tremendously).

And, as Dawn and I predicted would happen, much of the kudos goes to dad Jamie Spears, who has stepped in and put her life in order:

Jamie Spears’ role as conservator has paid off. The pop princess was granted “expanded” visitation rights of her children, Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months, at today’s court custody hearing in Los Angeles.

The two parties — Britney’s team and her ex-husband Kevin Federline’s team — were expected to break for lunch, but instead they amicably reached an agreement over custody.

“I’m happy with the results,” K-Fed’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan told Star after the decision was reached.

At a press conference held outside of the courthouse, Kaplan said, “The court recognized signs of progress… Since the conservatorship has taken place, a lot of uncertainty is out of play.”

That’s lawyerese for “The leeching sycophants that were taking over her life have been kicked to the curb.”

Like I’ve said before, kicking Brit when she’s down just isn’t cool.  So many people have given her such a hard time, but these are people who either don’t understand mental illness or they don’t care that they’re making a fast buck off someone else’s pain.  I want her to get better and stay that way, because that way I can go back to making fun of her music and her clothes. 

I do hope she stays on this course and realizes just how close she came to losing it all.  And for all of you who said dad Jamie was just in it for the money and he’d bleed her dry and be horrible for her career…oh yeah, we called it way back, so put that in your smipe and poke it.

I have been debating for days now whether to even discuss the rather unflattering pics circulating of Mischa Barton in a bikini. This really isn’t the first time we were made aware of her less than smooth posterior, but surely this young woman (she’s all of 22) has a mirror and can see for herself that she’s in no shape to be wearing a far-too-small bikini for her body.

The problem with Mischa is she lives on a healthy diet of cigarettes, pot, booze, pills and who knows what else. Smoking is said to contribute to cellulite, and Mischa’s a living example this is true. Hey, even supermodels can get cellulite, it’s a matter of biology. But with a decent diet, plenty of healthy exercise and some self-tanners even those of us who haven’t been blessed with unnaturally smooth skin can look “ok” in a bikini.

Mischa needs to come to terms with reality and admit, even though she’s a pretty girl, she’s NOT in good shape and should really do something about that.

Smoking pot all the time will only lead to unhealthy snacking, so put the bong down and pick up some weights and take a walk young lady, those bumps on your humps are really out of control.

Your PSA for the day.

Lindsay Lohan Is Finally Blonde All Over (Too Bad It’s Just A Stolen Fur Coat) - dlisted

Scarlett Johansson Doesn’t Believe We Are Monogamous, Engaged To Ryan Renyolds Anyway - Deciever

Jennifer Hudson Is A Walking Fashion “Don’t” - pop on the pop

If Paul Simon Gave Me A Piano, I’d Definitely Make Sure It Was In Tune, Even If It Is In A Decaying House - Janet Charlton’s Hollywood

Amy Winehouse Is All Kind Of Zexy - WWTDD?

Last night I had the pleasure of interviewing Astra Woodcraft and her father Lawrence for our Glosslip Radio show on the BlogTalkRadio.com network. Both Astra and Lawrence were in the Church of Scientology’s most devout group called the Sea Organization and members who join must sign a billion-year contract. Being part of the Sea Org means devoting your life completely to Scientology and turning over total control to the Church. Apparently this also includes your reproductive life as well.

But wait, there’s more…

Why yes, I am going to post stuff about the 80’s everydamnday, so learn to love it!

While most people remember 80’s New Wave band A Flock Of Seagulls for their huge hit song, “I Ran,” my favorite is “Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You)” because of its melodic wistful beauty. I also remember thinking lead singer Mike Score had the fruitiest hairstyle ever. Even in the 80’s. But as fate would have it at some point I attempted to exact this look on my own dome and ended up with a cross between a fauxhawk and a mullet. Let me tell you, it was NOT pretty. Of course, very few hair styles from the 80’s were. I present you with some offenders:

But wait, there’s more…

Okay, don’t answer that.  I really, really don’t want to know.

Yes, it’s spring, and that’s the time when people’s fancies turn to cleaning out the house of all the junk that has accumulated over the past umpteen years.  it seems that stars aren’t immune to this, because over the weekend permatanned Pamela Anderson held a garage sale where you could pick up some, um, unmentionables (and I really do mean unmentionable):

Pamela Anderson has been selling off just about everything from one of her two homes in Los Angeles. We’re talking light bulbs, a hot pink butt blaster exercise machine, bedroom furniture, children’s toys — even used lingerie!

The garage sale took place over the weekend at Pam’s rented Malibu home with all proceeds going to the animal charity PETA. 

Eager fans wanting to grab a piece of Pam’s past waited hours in line for the sale to begin and were shuttled in vans to her house after meeting in a public parking lot deep in Malibu. Most buyers were avid estate shoppers or fans of the former Baywatch babe who just wanted a glimpse of her house. One buyer said, “I just want to see how rich people live.” […]

And like every good celebrity, Pam was milking the pr stunt for all it was worth. The entire thing was being filmed for her reality show on E! to premiere this summer.

Is there no d-lister that E! won’t put on a reality show?  First Denise Richards (who was Pammie’s co-star in some forgettable movie released some time that I forgot about), and now this.

Expect to see many of Pam’s former belongings on eBay.

It is interesting to see that she’s trying to raise money for PETA, seeing as how she uses makeup, hair dye, collagen injections, and breast implants, some or all of which were possibly tested on animals at some point.  Because she’s never do anything that would hurt animals.  Like serving pigs in a blanket at her wedding reception (along with tuna and lobster).  Or wearing a leather corset in Barb Wire.  Or act in a movie with an animal in it (because, you know, it’s just wrong), especially not one with a bear chained up in an ice cream truck.  Or go to the circus.  Or wear Uggs.  Or possibly fix a “problem”.  Twice.  (that we know of)

(thx Deceiver for the research help…moar caeks for you)

There’s a progress report hearing today in Britney’s continued legal case:

Though Spears has spent the last several months keeping a relatively low profile – and staying out of trouble – experts say it’s unlikely the pair’s current custody arrangement will change.

“As long as Britney remains under a conservatorship, she has a long way to go before the court views her as a capable mother,” says L.A. family lawyer Scott Weston, who is not involved in the case.

Word is that she might actually show up in person today, which would go a long way in impressing the judge, I would think, especially since her previous record of showing up and staying has been spotty at best.  I know it’s stressful, but sometimes the hardest things for us to do are the best things for us to do.

Brit’s dad Jamie is still in charge of her conservatorship until July 31, unless the court decides to change that at some point beforehand.

I must say that I’ve been hugely impressed by the way things are turning out.  Six months ago, I would have never imagined that we would be here, with nary a panty flash or Osmarmy Bin Loopy in sight.  While Brit may not have been happy with this at the beginning, I certainly hope she now sees that her father coming in and taking charge has been one of the best things that could have happened.  He has shown that he isn’t about the Benjamins, but rather about helping his daughter, and that is the best thing he could have done.

And I do hope that if the court does not decide to give her more visitation today, that she doesn’t get discouraged.  One of the things we all must learn is that when we make mistakes, we must pay for those mistakes, even if we are really sorry for those mistakes.  There must always be a period of punishment.  But the good news is it doesn’t last forever, and there will come a time when Brit will get full visitation back and possibly even custody, provided she can stay on this positive track.  Don’t give up, Brit, because the best things come to those who wait.

I don’t know what those women out there in Long Island are drinking, but I think they’ve had a bit too much tequila in their iced teas, if you know what I mean.  It seems that Dina Lohan, mother of perpetually off-the-wagon Lindsay and upstart Ali, is going to be honored as one of their “Top Moms”:

Right now, Dina’s daughter, Lindsay, is literally a poster girl for bad behavior. Her mug shot appears in liquor-industry ads as an example of a “hard-core drunk driver” who needs a Breathalyzer to stay off the road (even though the ads are against having the devices in every car).

Yet, Dina will be named a “Top Mom” tonight by a Long Island-based charity, Mingling Moms Organization, even though Lindsay went to rehab three times last year and was jailed for drunken driving and cocaine possession.

Mingling Moms president Erica Logiudice called Dina “such a dedicated mom . . . Through all the ups and downs of Lindsay, she has been by her side.”

Some of Dina’s fellow honoree moms are: Rae Stern, mother of shock jock Howard Stern; Lillian Robinson (Eddie Murphy); Ann Iris Guttenberg (Steve Guttenberg); Betty Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld); Shelley Stevens Herschlag (Natalie Portman); Amy Hughes (Olympic skating gold medalist Sarah Hughes); and Eileen Connolly (”Entourage” star Kevin Connolly).

Nothing like keeping standards high for other mothers to follow.  But don’t get too excited…it isn’t necessarily for excellence in motherhood; in fact, pretty much all you need to qualify is a kid and a Long Island address (at some point or another):

“We’re just honoring celebrities’ moms on Long Island,” a spokesperson from Mingling Moms tells OK!. “It’s something for Mother’s Day. It’s a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children.” […]

New mom Jennifer Lopez, who lives on the Island with hubby Marc Anthony and gave birth to twins Max and Emme in North Shore Hospital, will also receive the Celebrity Mom of the Year Honor for putting the media spotlight on the 118-mile long strip.

But these famous-by-association moms shouldn’t feel too special.

“It’s not just about the celebrities – it’s more about Long Island moms,” the rep says. “Over 1,000 Long Island moms will be at the Gala tomorrow evening as well.”

I wonder if JLo will show or blow?

Seriously…what’s the point?  I mean, if there’s not a lot of criteria for this, why bother with it?  I live out here in the middle of a cornfield.  Should I receive a “Cornfield Mom Of The Year” award just because I do?  Or maybe Dawn should receive a “Scientology Bootay-Kicking Mom Of The Year” award?  (Actually, maybe she should.)

The woman didn’t mention that while Dina has stood by Lindsay in her troubles, if Dina hadn’t been so busy whoring out her daughter instead of actually (oh, I don’t know) mothering her maybe there wouldn’t have been as many problems to deal with in the first place.  So if they are honoring Dina Lohan with any sort of award celebrating mothers, then that is truly one of the last signs of the Apocalypse.

Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails founder and mastermind, has taken his new found label-free life one step further and is giving away his new album, The Slip, for free. Take that Radiohead! Skip the step of guilt-free giving what you *think* the album’s worth, and just give the whole thing away for free.

NIN’s has a rabid fan base and most would gladly pay for the album, but Trent, being the gadfly in the music industry wanted to give back to his fans and what a tremendous goodwill gesture. Click here to download The Slip. Also, for those fans who want something they can touch, Reznor says there will be “physical products” in the July.

No word yet on whether Trent will be allowing me to give him a free back rub. Just kidding, well, not really, but yeah.